Don't Let Me Get Me
by SilentInMySanity
Summary: Erik and Kathrine try to fix their broken bond; but Erik's insecurities and violent impulses push Kat into an abyss of mental destruction. They both know that this is their last chance to make things right. But fighting with already broken hands proves to be nearly impossible. In the end though, no one can live without the other. Darker than the first part!
1. Chapter 1 - Lost and Gone

**Don't Let Me Get Me**

 **Summary:** Erik and Kathrine try to fix their broken bond; but Erik's insecurities and violent impulses push Kat into an abyss of mental destruction. They both know that this is their last chance to make things right; but changing is so hard. And fighting with already broken hands proves to be nearly impossible.

In the end though, they can't live without each other.

 **Warnings:** Substance Abuse. Mental illness. Illegal fighting. Toxic relationship at the beginning. Abuse.

 _This part has a darker touch in general._

 **A/N:** This is Part 2 of my Story. The first is called _Two Broken Halves Can Be A Whole_. I strongly advice you to read that part first if you haven't done so already because you probably won't understand what's going on otherwise.

I don't speak Spanish so I beg my Spanish-speaking readers for pardon if my sentences aren't perfect. We all know our troubles with the online translators… ^^

If anyone of you notices mistakes, feel free to let me know so that I can change them.

Of course I also appreciate any other Review :3

(I say _appreciate_ to hide how many meters I jump into the air, giggling like a maniac each time I get a Review…)

* * *

 **Chapter 1** – Lost and Gone

* * *

'' I need a horse. '' Madam Giry stops as she hears Erik speaking up from the shadows. 3 months passed since Kathrine left the Opera and Erik hid away in his dungeons. The Opera was released as much as they were worried about this sudden disappearance. Kathrine's permanent departure left much deeper marks in some of them than they expected. The new production Erik demanded them to play is still being rehearsed but it is odd not to have the Opera Ghost interrupt their sessions. No critic on the actors, the musicians or the managers. Not even a letter giving new orders. It was a peace no one really could take pleasure in. Some feared there might be a bigger plot behind it, some wondered if they could still be as successful if there was no critic from the dark genius and some -even if they would never admit it out loud- some were worried. Realizing that Erik was a man who is also in love caused sympathy from a few people. The news that Kathrine left the way she did spread like a wildfire and gossiping has not since calmed down. There are many different opinions on this topic. To Madam's surprise, there are quite a lot feeling sympathy for the Opera Ghost and his lost love. Kathrine was right, there is no better way to win a crowds heart than by romance.

The Managers sometimes seem like they miss Kathrine, Carlotta has not yet attempted to win back her title as Soprano Diva which Madam interprets as a willingness to leave this post alone. Perhaps the Diva also expects young Kathrine to return. Madam Giry herself openly admits that the young, rebellious woman found a place in her heart and that she misses her. The person who mourns Kathrine the most though, must be Meg. Antoinette's daughter has not yet found a will to laugh or to attempt friendship with someone else. Madam Giry desperately hopes that her young daughter will not feel this depression for long. Right now all Antoinette can do is be there for Meg and try to cheer her up.

Madam Giry calmly continues to finish her hair but her muscles tense. Her anger at Erik has not yet begun to fade and she cannot stop her lips from pressing into a thin line full of disapproval,

'' Why? Do you want to go find another woman whose heart you can brutalize? ''

'' I need you to ready a horse for me and wait by the entrance. I will ride to the docs, there is a boat to the new world sailing off after sunrise. I will find my way on board. '' Erik smoothly continues without showing whether or not her words affected him in any way. Part of Antoinette wants to decline his request. This arrogant, stubborn man finally found love and he breaks her heart in such a vicious way. Yes, Erik has done many things she could never really approve of, but nothing of this ever caused such a passionate anger to blossom in her. Still, if Erik comes out of his hiding this suddenly and directly wishes to find Kathrine, he must have considered this carefully. The part that wants to decline is overpowered by the part that wishes for Erik and Kathrine to finally be together and live a happy life.

She sighs and turns. Erik stands by the wall, the shadows almost completely hiding him.

'' Are you certain it is sailing into the new world? '' Antoinette stands up to close the distance between them. Erik nods,

'' Very certain. '' She's suspecting that he forced that information out of someone who may or may not be dead already. But in the end none of that matters -not right now. All that matters to her, and most likely to him, is that he will find Kathrine and make things right.

'' Do you know where to find her? '' Erik's eyes swiftly avoid her gaze for a moment, a gesture that is more than enough for her to know that he is not fully aware of her whereabouts.

'' I only know that she is living right in the heart of London, close to a LGBT pub. I am most certain that she will be in that local sooner or later. If I find it, I find her as well. ''

'' Erik your plan might appear simple… but you don't know how big this city really is. Finding a local with so little information might take you weeks. You have never been to the other world, it is a dangerous plan. ''

'' Antoinette you were right. I hurt Kathrine because of my own inhibitions and issues. She deserves an apology and if she can once again bring herself to forgive me, I will never again hurt her. I am willing to work on myself. Kathrine is my life. I am willing to take whatever risk is necessary to find her. Either I am successful, or I will die trying. '' Erik looks more honest than Antoinette has ever seen it with another human being. There is a part in her aching in fear for this reckless man's life. He is clearly underestimating the dangers of the new world. But even if she wanted to, she could never prepare him for that. Erik is capable to hide in the shadows and merge with them, he is a genius who will be able to take care of himself. This is no longer the boy she saved so many years ago. She trusts his abilities.

'' Very well. I will have a horse ready for you in 10 minutes. ''

* * *

As promised, Madam waits for Erik with a horse in front of the Opera. It is already late and the darkness of the upcoming winter perfectly allows him to become invisible. Erik has spent many months suffering and blaming himself. At first he tried to make himself believe that his decision was the right one but the longer he thought about it, the more he began to hate himself. Kathrine always told him to talk to her and always again has he chosen to do it the way he is already comfortable with: Run and hide.

He hurt Kathrine so many times that he lost count of it. And this is definitely the worst of them all. He would understand if she could never forgive him. Yet a part in him hopes her kindness and her love for him are still there and she might just be willing to give him one last chance.

The time he spent in hiding are over. He will no longer run from his problems, he will stay and talk to his lovely little hurricane about it. Kathrine deserves his entire trust and he will give her right that. Then again, there is still the matter of finding her. Erik looked at several maps and the thought back to the picture of his gigantic city causes him to pale just a bit. His lead is barely a lead and his chances are low but he will either find her or die trying.

Without making sure that nobody sees him, Erik walks out of the entrance and right towards the horse and Madam Giry. Every person that is still inside the Opera already knows who and what he really is. Nobody will scream or call for help. Not that any of that would really matter. He takes the reins out of her hands and pats the horse's neck gently. There is a stabbing in his chest, his heart is beating wildly in fear and excitement at the same time.

'' Thank you Antoinette. '' She nods curtly at first but to his surprise then pulls him into a gentle embrace,

'' Good luck. And be careful, Erik. This world is nothing like our own. You will have to find something else you can wear to avoid unwanted attention. Blend in with the darkness, I know you can do this better than anybody else. '' He nods and kisses the back of her hand in respect before mounting the horse.

'' And Erik? ''

'' Yes? ''

'' Find her. '' With a last, short nod at her he animates the horse and rides off to the docs.

* * *

Reaching the docs and sneaking on board was child's play. The horse will finds its way back to Madam, it'll let her know he made it. Below deck there are many opportunities to hide between boxes, crates and bags while still being able to see through the gate and seeing the darkness. The uneasiness in him grows as the boat departs and he is sailing right towards Kathrine's world.

 _Kathrine…_

What is he supposed to do? How can he find her? This local she mentioned is his only lead and Erik knows it is madness to go with nothing more. But his heart is aching, he needs to see her again. Needs to hold her, kiss her, beg for forgiveness and hear her sing once more. But all that is only possible if he finds her. _What_ if he can't find her? London is a massive town and it's not like he could just ask his way around until somebody might know her or that local. Madam was right, he has to be careful. He has absolutely no experience with that world. All he knows either comes from the tales Madam Giry told him, or from Kathrine's stories. Nothing of that is really helpful. Kathrine said the boat will take about 8 hours, so it will be about 3am by the time he arrives in London. Then again, the wind is strong and Erik feels the boat moving faster than the ship Kathrine was adding to her calculation. By guessing along he'd say they'll take 2 hours less, which means it'll be 1 am. Surely Kathrine will still be awake and in this pub to that time.

Erik attempts to sleep but finds himself too excited to do so. Many thoughts rush through his head. Fears, mostly. One of those fears that leaves him restless, is the thought that Kathrine might not forgive him for what he did. Perhaps if he explains everything to her she will show that same understanding she always had. Kathrine always forgave him for his mistakes if he showed that he truly regrets it, surely she can do it again. Hopefully she can. But he will have to worry about that later. First he has to leave the boat undetected. The man he… asked… about this boat said that due to trading it will stop right in London so that he won't have to somehow find his way there from another part of England.

* * *

When the boat finally stops, Erik wakes from the faint slumber he was in and sits up straight.

As soon as he hears everything becoming silent above him, he quietly climbs the stairs until he reaches the deck. But instead of meeting the total darkness he expected, he is met with an unnatural, garish beam of light. It only takes him a few seconds until he spots the source for this. Lanterns. But not like those in his world, and they are all around him on the mainland. More light is coming from the buildings around him. At once Erik realizes that even the night will not hide him here. He has to leave and find a safe-place before somebody spots him. As fast as his legs will carry him he gets off the boat and starts running to where it looks like darkness might win its fight against this irritating, unnatural light. To him it feels like he's running for hours on end until he comes to an alley that is drowned in darkness.

The second thing he notices about this world is that everything is so _loud_. Music reaches his ears, people and noises he just cannot name. The loudness of this world is unbelievable. He winces as another light suddenly flickers on close to him. Quickly he hides behind a staple of wooden boxes and watches how the door below the lightened plate that says 'Exit' opens. Two men come out wearing jeans and thick sweaters. The sight of the warm clothing has Erik shuddering as he realizes that his own clothing is everything but fit for this weather. London is covered in a thin layer of snow, the air that rushes through the alley every now and then has his shuddering. He will not be able to stand this coldness for long. He has to find Kathrine, quick. Or, perhaps, at least a place where he can warm up and find cloths more appropriate.

'' You goin' back home? '' There's a heavy slur in the man's voice. Both of them look highly intoxicated, they can barely stand without swaying.

'' Yeah. You know Kimmy, she'll heave ma damn head if I'm not all dolled up and sober at the dinner with her parents tomorrow. ''

'' Sarah and me never have these problems. ''

'' Wanna know how it stays like that? ''

'' _Don't marry her_. '' Both begin to laugh loudly before wishing their farewell and disappearing each into the other direction. The man that passes him stops as they make eye contact. Erik feels every muscle in his back tensing in anticipation. Should the man scream, Erik is left with no other choice but to silence him. He cannot risk being arrested or chased. After a while of silent starring the man grins and points at his mask,

'' Awesome mask, mate. '' With that he turns and continues his way. Erik's tense abruptly disappears and he's starring after the man confused. Is he not even a tiny bit afraid of him? There was no fear, not even disgust in that man's eyes, only a drunken smile. Surely the alcohol is to blame for that. Erik shakes the feeling off and starts walking into the same direction as the man while still trying to hide as much as he can in the shadows.

At some point he finds a ladder attached to one of the large houses. The ladder looks like it would lead all the way up to the roof. Maybe if he reaches the roof he will have a somewhat better orientation. He passes 5 rows of windows until he finally sees the end of the ladder. It doesn't take much effort of him to reach the top, but as soon as he allows his eyes to scan the area before him, his heart sinks to his knees.

This city is not only big, it is gigantic. He cannot see the end of the many lights and buildings. How will he ever find her in this mess of a city? He tries to spot anything that could be a hint to something Kathrine might have mentioned at some point, but there simply is nothing that catches his attention. The only thing at least somewhat familiar are the docs where he came from. Was his idea to come here foolish after all? He will need months, if not even years until he finds his dear Kathrine in this sea of foreignness.

Erik shudders again, the air is even colder this far up. He has to get down before his feet freeze to the roof. Just as he reaches the last set of windows, the light behind them flickers on and he is suddenly face to face with a woman in her mid 40s who screams the moment they make eye contact. To his surprise, she does not turn to run. Instead the window opens and the woman starts tossing things at him. Blindly he tries to avoid the objects being hurled into his direction until something heavy knocks him right off the ladder.

'' Stay off that damn ladder you creepy stalker! '' Many _very_ impolite words burn on his tongue but he swallows his rage as the window is slammed close and the light goes back out, drowning him once more into darkness. Screaming. At least _something_ familiar to him. On the other hand he is not familiar with people tossing things at him after they scream. Not even Kathrine did that yet, and she did warn him about it.

As if he would ever stalk on such a woman like that one! As if he would ever look at any other woman than his Kathrine to-

A stab of pain runs through his back. He places his hand over the spot and rubs it with a groan.

'' You alright mate? '' Erik turns his head on the voice of a boy much younger than him. He could be in Kathrine's age, maybe even younger than that. Quickly Erik scrambles to his feet and takes a step closer but still keeps a safe distance to him, just in case. He did not run from him yet, perhaps he will be willing to help Erik.

'' Are you familiar with the city? '' The boy grins at him and nods,

'' Born and raised. You lookin' for somethin'? Late Halloween party maybe? ''

'' My fiancee. ''

'' Ah, big fight and the Lady runs off. Classic. Any clue where she might be? ''

'' An LGBT pub in the heart of the town. She mentioned that it is a place she visits most of her nights. Would you be so kind and tell me where I can find it? ''

'' An LGBT pub at the heart of the city? Any further details? Maybe something bigger close to that thing? Or the name of the bar? '' Erik thinks back to the time Kathrine excitedly told him about that location.

 _'' So when we're in London I show you the pub I hang in most of the time. It's not very big but it's quite popular in my area and I just love it's name. The Sugar Babes. The name's kinda naughty because usually sugar babes are women who are in a sexual -or non-sexual- relationship with sometimes a much older man who gives them one hell of a raise for their bank account. But it's also totally cute and playful because who doesn't love sweet things and I just love it there! '' Kathrine explains quickly, her hands flapping around in wild gestures. There's an excited sparkle in her eyes that make them shine beautifully. The past days she's always again told him about certain things that she loves or hates about her world. She also explained things to him he might need to know when they get there but she often broke off in that while saying that it'll be easier for him to understand when he sees it._

'' I think the name of the local is the… Sugar Babes? ''

'' Phew no idea mate… I'll Google it, just a second. '' The boy takes out a phone similar to Kathrine's and taps around on it for a moment before showing him the screen,

'' Yeah here it is. Sugar Babes, 's close to the Chinatown Market. That's a long walk, you should get a Taxi. 's not that expensive. '' His first instinct is to inform the boy that he has no idea what a Taxi is but that might just make him question Erik so he decides against it. Neither can Erik read that odd picture that must be a map.

'' I do not have any money. If you could tell me the direction, that would be very kind. ''

'' Dude I'm serious, that's _at_ _least_ two hours. Here I'll give you some money- ''

'' That will not be necessary. '' The boy shrugs him off and begins to dig around in the pockets of his pants,

'' Ah poppycock, don't we all know the trouble with the ladies. Here, Taxis are over there. Good luck finding your girl. ''

'' Thank you. '' Erik looks down at the money in his hand a little unsure after the boy left. Two out of the tree people that saw him yet reacted quite well to his appearance- but one of them was heavily intoxicated and the other might be mentally disturbed. On the other hand he will most likely never find this bar if he tries walking around without any real direction again. With a sigh he walks into the direction the boy told him to. Soon he spots what the boy must have been talking about. There are more of the objects that look like very deformed, odd carriages and on their top is a plate with the word _Taxi_. Erik saw several of those metal cuffs on wheels passing him, seemingly moving on their own. He is not sure that he is ready to step into one of these things.

After starring at the Taxis for a long while he gives in. Inside the first one he sees is a man reading newspaper. As Erik approaches him with the money in his hand the man glances up at him. As the man's eyes look him over briefly before halting on the mask,

'' Where to Casper? ''

'' You must be mistake me with somebody else, my name is not Casper. '' The man huffs,

'' Funny. You wanna get somewhere or not? ''

'' A local named Sugar Babes, close to the Chinatown Market. '' Erik holds out the money to him as it seems the right thing to do and the man takes it after looking at a display in the middle of the Taxi's front. As Erik suddenly gets several coins back he stares down at them,

'' Your change. Really mate, are you high? ''

'' No. ''

'' If you say so. -You waiting for someone? Get in. '' The man points to the back to the car. As Erik looks for anything to open the door to this damned thing, the man suddenly opens his own door and gets out before ripping Erik's door open with a handle Erik did not notice before.

'' Bloody junkies… There, open. '' Erik nods in gratitude and slides into the seat. He almost winces as the man slams the door close again and another time as the Taxi begins to rumble and to move. It would be a lie to say that he is as much nervous to be in here as he is fascinated.

'' Fascinating. '' He mutters as he watches the lights and the buildings and more Taxis without the plate on their top passing by. The lights here are much more pleasant than the ones on the docs. Erik would even call them beautiful.

'' Where are you from, 19th century France? '' The man growls and Erik looks into the small mirror attached to the Taxi's top,

'' Yes Indeed. '' The man looks back at him,

'' What, for real? ''

'' Why would I lie? '' Erik watches as the man begins to laugh,

'' And I thought you're just some junkie. Hah! Who would've thought! So what are you doin' so far away from home Mister? Girlfriend run off? '' The man's obvious talent to guess everything about Erik right is slowly but surely going on his nerves.

'' Indeed…''

'' And she's in that bar? Not for nothin' mate, but that's a gay bar. Gay people go there. If she's in there, she's tongue-deep in some other girl. '' Erik turns his attention back to what they are passing then, hoping that the man is not right with this one too…

* * *

'' Well good luck boy. '' Erik's shoulders almost twitch as the older man refers to him as 'boy'. That certainly did not happen to him before. On the other hand… nothing happening to him here ever happened before. The Taxi stopped almost right in front of the bar until Erik told the man to please not stop this close to the entrance. From his current position he can disappear into another alley where he has another ladder he can climb. This time he makes sure to not sit right in front of any window. His position allows him a perfect view on the entrance and the people going in and out.

* * *

'' Kat, going home alone again? '' Erik abruptly sits up again as he hears his beloved ones name being called by a smooth, male voice. Erik's heart beats faster as he sees her. After all that time he finally sees her again. He painted new pictures of her and tried to restore as much as he could of the items she burned. But no picture compares to really seeing her.

'' Well…- '' Kathrine grins as she straightens the collar of her black coat but breaks off as suddenly a woman walks past them. Her eyes follow the woman as she walks into the bar and slowly a grin comes to her lips. His angel opens the coat again what reveals the skin tight leather pants and a belt with rivets that surely cannot be there for any other use but to look good. Erik doubts that she will need anything to keep those pants on her hips. Kathrine wears a red shirt with a wide collar that is exposing almost all of her chest so that her black bra is visible. Erik is very sure that this is intended. The shirt is so thin that Erik sees her skin shining through the fabric. The clothing does flatter her and Erik would even say that it makes her irresistible… if it were not for the purpose to attract other people to her. If Kathrine wears things like this all of the time then he is not at all surprised that it is so easy for her to find partners for the night.

'' Maybe not…'' The man laughs as Kathrine swiftly walks back inside, her hips swinging and her steps filled with so much pride and self-assurance that Erik can taste the intention she has. It is a bitter taste.

No 10 minutes passed as Kathrine comes back out with the woman from before who is now clinging to her. Kathrine has an arm wrapped around her, a charming grin on her full lips as she says something that causes the woman to giggle. Erik's eyes narrow in jealousy. Suddenly he realizes something. He could accept the many women of Kathrine's past more easily because he never truly saw them as a threat. Not in the same way other men were a threat. But that changes the moment Kathrine pulls that woman into a kiss in the middle of the street.

Erik almost growls as the woman sighs in pure content as Kathrine slips her tongue into the woman's mouth, her hand caressing that woman's cheek gently while her other arm is around her waist to pull her closer. Everything in Erik screams for him to step between them. To pull that tart away from Kathrine and tell her to never come close to her again. He will frighten her to the bone and if he is just a little lucky she might have a heart attack and die right before his feet. It is laughable how jealous he is of that wench. It is embarrassing that Erik thought Kathrine might not have gone back to her sexual lifestyle. It is wrong how badly he wants to kill that woman that is kissing _his_ little whore-

Erik's fist connects hard with the wall. He shakes his head. Kathrine is unhealthily open with her body, yes, and perhaps that word might even be the right one to describe her… but that does not give him the right to use it. She is his angel, the same one that pulled him out of the loneliness, that never stopped forgiving him despite what he did. She loved him with all his flaws and he hurt her. How can he think of her like this now? He feels ashamed of himself, he feels angry. All he wants is to apologize to her.

But even more he needs that woman away from Kathrine's mouth. Now.

He almost breathes out in release as a familiar song reaches Erik's ears and Kathrine pulls back to answer her phone.

'' Yeah? '' Kathrine listens to whatever the caller is saying before nodding,

'' I'm on my way. '' She puts the phone back into the pocket of her coat and turns to the woman who is giving her a questioning look,

'' Sorry beautiful, something came up. I'll give you a call. '' The woman is obviously disappointed but nods,

'' Okay. '' Kathrine winks and walks away, leaving the woman behind. Erik is quick to follow Kathrine through the darkness. His eyes narrow, the way Kathrine's stomping through the snow, the way her body is tensed. She seems angry. As soon as they come to what must be some kind of park, Kat walks around a house that surely did not have anyone living in it for a few decades.

Hiding behind the trees, Erik follows and soon sees Kathrine kneeling in front of a young girl who is sitting on the ground. Another girl in the same age stands next to them, her expression shows worry but there's a certain sway in her body and Erik's eyes narrow. Surely that girl cannot be drunk, she can't be older than 15!

'' What did you get yourself into here Clara! '' Kathrine hisses at the girl standing behind her.

'' We just wanted to try it and then she started throwing up and then she didn't respond! We didn't want to drink so much… we didn't know it'd turn out like that! I'm sorry Kat- ''

'' _What_ were you drinking! '' The girl gives Kathrine a rather large, green bottle and Kathrine groans,

'' You couldn't possibly have picked something better than Jägermeister?! ''

'' You drink it! I saw it standing around in your flat a couple of times so I thought we could pick that! ''

'' Well I have orange juice around all the bloody time too, why didn't you go for tha'! '' As the girl doesn't respond Kathrine sighs and turns her full focus back to the unconscious girl. She pats her cheeks softly a few times and opens her eyes to shine the flashlight of her phone into them. Kathrine then nods to herself and slips out of her coat to wrap it around the girl,

'' Yer damn lucky she doesn't have an alcohol poisoning. If you already have to drink something then don't do it outside in the middle of winter dressed like two bikini models in Africa! ''

'' We didn't know where else to go…'' The girls mutters, her voice sore with regret as she watches how Kathrine lifts the girl a little so that she also sits of the coat instead of the cold ground. Then she stands and makes another call with her phone. After ordering a Taxi to them she glares at Clara. Slowly but surely Erik really wants to know who this girl is and why she called Kathrine instead of a parent or somebody else.

'' Next time you call me instead of doing something like that! ''

'' You would let us drink in your flat? ''

'' You'd do it anyway, least that way I can make sure shit like this doesn't happen. What do you think, that Holly never drank as a minor? Everyone does that and whoever says they don't 's lying. Did you at least eat before your little party? ''

'' We shared some chips. '' Kathrine throws her arms up dramatically,

'' Jesus fucking Christ! You did about everything wrong that was possible. ''

'' I'm sorry…''

'' Don't apologize to me, apologize to your sister. '' Kathrine says while glancing down at her phone again, maybe to find out what time it is. Perhaps the Taxi-man told her when he would be arriving. The girl then grabs her arm in panic,

'' No! No Kat please don't tell Holly! ''

 _Holly? So Clara must be Holly's younger sister._

'' You're a 14 year old kid with half a bottle of Jägermeister and an unconscious friend. You can bet your skinny white ass that I'm telling her! And Holly will tell your parents and _man_ , I really don't wanna be in your skin when that happens! ''

'' That's not fair! ''

'' World's tough kid. Deal with it. ''

'' Please Kat, I swear I'm not doing it again. Please just don't tell Holly. Please! '' Kathrine stares at the girl for a moment and sighs then while ripping her arm from the girl's desperate clutch,

'' Only because she got enough trouble right now. And hey Clara…''

'' Yes? '' Suddenly Kathrine slaps the back of Clara's head hard,

'' That was for drinking irresponsibly and pussy-blocking me! That chick was a straight-up 9 on the chart and instead of getting her out of her cloths right now I'm standing here having to lecture the sister of my best friend! Why didn't you call Holly?! '' Erik can already imagine why Clara called Kathrine for help and not her sister. After all Kathrine's known for her own rather irresponsible alcohol use and of course she is not as strict as Holly would be.

'' You said it yourself, she's got enough trouble with finding a university and her job… And I was sure you'd understand this more than she would… Holly's just… she's always so strict. Especially when it comes to Teresa. '' Kathrine nods towards the other girl with a knowing glance,

'' She got the bottle. '' The younger girl nods and Kathrine sighs,

'' See, that's why she's like that. I was always the one getting the alcohol as we were teens too and if I had a sister hanging around with a kid like me, I'd leave the state and change my name. Then again, I always held my liquor and if I dress like a slut, it's on purpose. '' Clara looks to the ground in shame,

'' I'm so sorry…''

'' Stop apologizing already. C'mere...'' Kathrine pulls her into a firm embrace and rubs her arms over the girls back to warm her up,

'' You two need to learn how to dress properly. '' After a moment Clara pulls back just enough to give Kathrine a skeptical look,

'' What are _you_ even wearing…''

'' Again, I was just about to take someone home and we weren't about to play monopoly. '' Suddenly the girl on the ground groans and Kathrine abruptly kneels down in front of her,

'' Rise and shine sleeping beauty. Guess who's gonna have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. '' The girl puts her head in her hands,

'' I don't feel well…'' Kathrine cannot lack any more sympathy than she does right now. Even with the distance between them he can see the clearly displeased expression on her face,

'' Yeah, tough shit. Small advice on my side, try to keep it together in front of your parents and put a bucket next to your bed. Otherwise water and soup so that you get something warm into your stomach. '' She pats Teresa's shoulder and goes back to warming up Clara a bit.

They wait in silence for the Taxi to arrive. As soon as it stops in front of them, Kathrine helps the friend of Holly's sister inside and takes her coat back to slip into it.

'' Thank you Kat…'' Clara mutters. Kathrine nods towards the man that is driving the Taxi,

'' I give the driver enough money so that you can stop somewhere and get soup. And if your friend has cucumber, that's gonna be helpful too. Small pieces or grated. ''

'' Thanks. ''

As soon as the Taxi drives away Kathrine shakes her head,

'' Bloody teenagers. '' She then opens the lid of the bottle and takes a large gulp. Erik almost rolls his eyes at that. Of course Kathrine has to drink it. She shudders,

'' Bloody teenagers with horrible taste. Where the fuck is the sugar…'' She closes the bottle again and starts walking once more. Erik fights with himself to reveal himself to her now. But perhaps the situation will be more comfortable for her if he waits until she is in her home. So he waits and follows her in the hope she will not try to call that girl from the bar to continue their previous actions.

They arrive in front of a large building where Kathrine opens the door with help of a key. She steps inside and Erik quickly follows. Before the door can close by itself, he slips inside. He faintly sees how Kathrine climbs up a pair of stone stairs and disappears from his sight.

* * *

With a sigh Kat climbs the stairs until she arrives at the 4th and last floor. The night was a complete waste. She was ready, she was charming, she was quick. Barely 10 minutes and that woman was ready to take Kat home. That could have been the first person she takes home without being completely high on something or so pissed that she would have to worry that she might aim at the wrong hole if she was a guy. Maybe it was for the best that way. Maybe it would have been too soon.

She shakes her head and opens the door to her apartment. After kicking it close behind her she throws her keys into the bowl on her commode and shrugs out of her coat which she carelessly drops on the floor. The only good thing about the mess with Holly's sister is the fact that she got half a bottle of Jägermeister for free. Still, drinking outside without knowing how much is dangerous. They could easily have frozen to death while their little party. If Clara would have been in the same state, they would have died out there. But Kat's pretty sure that they're gonna keep their hands away from alcohol for a while now. If people enjoy the liquor and have a hangover they quickly get back on the road despite their vows to stick to juice. But if your first drinking experience sucks, you don't have a reason to give it another shot anytime soon.

It was probably for the best not to tell Holly. She's been a real pain in the ass lately because she didn't get into the university she wanted, so she's trying to find one that's as much the same as possible. Which is hard, naturally. And then she was always sitting in Kat's neck to eat healthy things and to drink less and to do less drugs and to go to Doctor Bloomfield more often. As if 3 times the week wouldn't be enough. As if Nathan wouldn't already treat her like a bloody kid. Yes she was down after Erik made his small disappearing act so suddenly… but she's gotten better. The wounds are healing, slowly but surely. She still misses him but that's okay. She can miss him as long as she can take her mind off him other than taking anything or crying her heart out until she throws up from hysteria. The past months were rough but she's getting better. She just needs to learn to not think about him anymore.

Kat almost winces as she hears her door opening slowly and the bottle stops at her lips. Maybe the thought of someone breaking in should scare her but the first apartment she moved into with 18 taught her a good lesson or two. And that gun she recently treated herself with needs to be tried out on someone at some point…

* * *

Opening the door proves to be more difficult than he thought. Erik knows how to pick locks in his world but these locks are completely different. He manages, though, after a few minutes and the door opens more loudly than he intended to. He waits a moment and tries to hear if she might have noticed but as nothing moves he slowly enters and closes the door behind him, this time without a noise. Kathrine's home looks oddly… normal. Nothing like Erik imagined. No black or red walls, no extreme colors, no unusual floor. The walls he is looking at are white and extremely clean. There is a small commode close to the door with a glass bowl on the top in which Erik sees keys, a lighter and a few coins. The floor that leads into her home is rather small which barely gives him space to really hide. It seems like the floor is what separates two larger rooms. The left looks like it is used as a bedroom and a living room, while the right provides a kitchen and probably a bathroom that is hidden by walls. He never thought her apartment would be this bright and organized. Erik can see almost all of the kitchen and the bedroom, but barely anything of the living room. Carefully he looks around the corner… only to be met with the picture of Kathrine pointing an odd looking gun at him. With his hands above his head, Erik steps into her sight slowly. There is no doubt that she would not hesitate to shoot him should he be a threat and with everything that happened in their past, Erik is not sure that she wouldn't claim he was an attacker once the police questions her about his corpse in her flat. But as she sees him, Kathrine instantly freezes and the gun slowly lowers.

''…Erik? '' The sound of his name being whispered by her voice has him forgetting the past months at once.

'' Kathrine… My Kathrine… I cannot tell you how happy I am that I found you. As I saw the true size of this city I thought I would never see you again- '' As he attempts to close the distance to her and wrap his arms around her she takes a step back and he stops. The released expression slips from his face, he opens and closes his mouth several times but he can't find the right words. Of course she is still mad at him.

'' Kathrine please- '' As he reaches out for her with one hand she takes another step away from him, shaking her head while doing so,

'' Don't touch me. '' There is pain in her voice and Erik has to look away for a moment, because for the first time he realizes how much he actually hurt her. Of course after he thought about this more reasonable he began to realize that she might be hurting, but the pain in her voice and the look in her eyes is breaking his heart. How could he do this to her?

'' Kathrine I am so sorry…'' She snorts,

'' _So_? That's not gonna change anything. I'm not your personal Harley Quinn that comes running back to kiss your feet every time you push me away. '' She snaps at him and Erik winces. He shakes his head,

'' I would never think that… Please just allow me to explain myself to you. '' She shakes her head, her eyes now narrowed dangerously,

'' Why? What do you want? That I forgive you? That I take you back and come back to the Opera with you? Just how _meaningless_ do you think the life I have here is to me? I might have been hurt in the beginning, yeah, I admit that. But I'm done with that. I'm _done_ with _you_! So get the _hell_ out of my apartment and stay away from me! '' Erik feels his heart wrenching in his chest as she points towards the door in a silent command for him to get out. Erik shakes his head and attempts another step closer,

'' _If you could know the pain I've felt… then you would know I had no choice… My Kathrine-_ '' His voice is soothing as he sings to her but the desperate tone in it changes the effect it has on her. By now he could always influence her somehow. Sometimes she seemed to be in trance as he sang to her, her love for his voice put her under his spell. But there is nothing of that in her eyes now. Instead he sees more anger flaring up in her,

'' Stop it with the singing! No more singing! Never again! _Get out_! '' He winces as her voice changes into a screeched scream, her hands pushing him towards the door. Suddenly something in him snaps. He went through pain and trouble to find her. How can she just send him away?! How can she not even listen to his apology?! What right does she have to take herself away from him again now that he finally found her?! What gives her the right to try and take the only thing from him that never betrayed him- his music! How can she dare to refuse her voice to him!

In one quick motion he turns and grabs her on her upper arms, his fingers digging hard enough into her flesh to leave bruises. With a growl he pulls her towards himself, her body colliding with his own while it tenses,

'' I am _dying_ Kathrine! Suffocating in the darkness that your absence casts over me! Give me breathe! Give me life! Sing for me! Come back and stay with me for the eternity you still owe me! '' She tries to free herself but he only pulls her closer, his grip tightens, his anger grows,

'' Or I will take _everything_ that you have ever loved! You fear your mother's death? Your fear the death of your friends?! I will be their executioner! You were right, Kathrine, there _are_ things taking your loved ones from you that are not natural! And that _will_ be me! If you refuse me, I will _kill_ \- '' He breaks off as the anger that was just about to bloom in her eyes is suddenly drowned in tears as they're welling up. Erik cannot remember a time where he ever saw such betrayal on her face, such pain. Such sheer panic. And he has caused it like he has so many times before. Just that it never was like this before. As her lips begin to quiver and the first tears begin to fall, his grip on her becomes softer until his hands slide off her body completely,

'' No… I… I did not mean to… Kathrine- ''

'' _Get ou_ _t_ …'' He winces at the sound of her voice. It is a broken whisper and it is breaking his heart. This time he turns and leaves her apartment, his steps slow and dragging as he walks down the stairs. He doesn't even care if somebody might spot him. He does not care for anything anymore because the only beautiful thing in his life, the only person that loved and cared for him has forgiven him for the last time. He lost his Kathrine and it physically hurts him. He can feel his heart breaking in his chest. It hurts so much that he feels like he is dying an eternal death…


	2. Chapter 2 - I Remember There Was

**A/N: Thanks a lot to Child of Dreams and .witch for the Reviews!**

* * *

 **Chapter 2** – I Remember There Was…

* * *

As soon as Nathan sees the caller's ID on his display, he excuses himself and exits the room, receiving a small questioning glance from the other teachers in it. Nathan answers before the door is fully closed,

'' Hey, everything alright? ''

 _''…Are you busy…? ''_ He abruptly hears the tears in her voice even though she's trying to sound normal. His brows furrow in worry while his fingers ruffle through his short hair almost automatically. The past 3 months he's been worried about Kat. Of course he didn't exactly feel great as he knew that she was in France on her own while sharing her bed with that psychopath either, but ever since she's back, she just got worse and worse. He thought she couldn't get any worse as he first saw her two weeks after she got back but he was proven otherwise as the month carried on. Kat had phases in which her substance abuse increased many times before but it never has been as bad as it was during the first month. In that time her flat reminded him a lot of one of these rundown houses that inhabit junkies and alcoholics. Kat is a chaotic person that likes to scatter her cloths everywhere so Nathan was once or twice greeted by a bra that Kat tossed into the bowl for her keys or a slip hanging around the knob of a cabin in the kitchen. Sometimes walking through her flat means he's either ready to step into a dozen of cloths or signing up for a parkour. Then there were times where Kat was too lazy to bring her glass to the container and just had several spots where she would keep small piles of mostly alcohol bottles. At some point she's annoyed by the mess and walks to the container but not before it's enough to fill at least 3 of these huge bags from Ikea. Or she ignores the ashtray on her balcony until there's a second pile of stumps forming around the tray. But beside that Kat always made sure she has her windows open twice a day for at least 10 minutes, she vacuums and mops once a week and Nathan never once saw her windows being dirty or spotted dust anywhere.

The first time he went to see her he almost had a stroke as he saw what a mess she made of the usually really nice flat. The floor had several spots from where she spilled her drinks and or dropped food- which she did not pick up. The bottles weren't piled up neatly anymore, they were just standing or rolling around wherever she finished them. The couch, the left corner of the balcony and her bed were surrounded by a sea of empty bottles and delivery food. Nathan found cigarette stumps in her bed and on the couch which confirmed the scent that was burning his lungs since he opened the door. She obviously hasn't opened a window since she returned and two weeks were more than enough to have the furniture suck in that stench.

There were bits of blood on the wall, her knuckles not swollen anymore but still blue and green. There were a couple spots of blood on the floor as well where she stepped into the shards of the bottle she threw against the wall.

Kat was in bad shape and part of him wanted to get her into hospital. Her circulation was collapsing every now and then from the lack of actual nourishment and the bad air. She flushed down ibuprofen with whiskey against the headache that became a constant thing over the days and the stomach problems from the alcohol were numbed with Iberogast.

Kat hid away in her flat and only left it to buy her substances, or to kick the living crap out of someone for money. And the reason nobody was checking up on her, was because she made sure everyone thinks she's not back in England. As Nathan saw her just turning into her street one day he was naturally confused and decided to go ask why she didn't send him a quick message about being back. After all she said she'd have to take a break from everything for a while because that son of a bitch left her. Realizing she was lying and slowly killing herself in her very own flat for two weeks was a kick to the stomach.

At first he wanted to get her back into the psyche-ward so she can sober up and make sure her body gets better. He took Kat to Doctor Bloomfield the same day and the three of them agreed to leave her out of the ward if she agrees to several conditions.

He helped her clean the place up and took her to Doctor Bloomfield for each of her appointments. It took her two months to get a grip of herself and reduce her substances. No one else knows that she was home the whole time.

'' Kat what happened, what's wrong? ''

 _'' Can you please come over…? ''_ She sounds bad again. Kat couldn't say for sure if she had an episode while she was shooting herself up with about everything she could get her hands on but Doctor Bloomfield explained that entering an episode while her body is still on such a low is extremely dangerous. They can't give her more meds in her current state but without them the episode will only take longer which might have her brain receive the damage.

'' Are you home? ''

 _'' Yeah…''_

'' Okay just stay where you are, I'm on my way. '' Nathan hurries back into the room, grabs his stuff, says that something important came up and runs to his car.

No 10 minutes later he's pulling up in front of Kat's house. He took her spare keys the day he found out she's back so he doesn't even have to ring the doorbell. He finds her standing in the living room as he comes in. Her face is wet with tears and her arms are wrapped around herself. As soon as she spots him Kat tears up even more. Nathan pulls her into his arms gently, his hand coming to her head. Kat's shaking but she needs a while before she's calm enough to speak,

'' Erik was here…'' He pulls back, checks the state her eyes are in in the attempt to weigh out whether or not she was hallucinating. Wouldn't be the first time she sees people no one else can see and there's an empty pack next to an empty bottle of Jack Daniels and a halfway emptied Jägermeister so chances are high. Then again, chances that the psychopath actually came here and found out where she lives are just as high.

'' Kat, don't get this the wrong way… but how much have you had? '' She seems confused for a moment before quickly switching to furious,

'' I wasn't hallucinating! '' He nods to the table. Doesn't take her long to realize what he's hinting on and this time she pushes him,

'' Half of the Jack Daniels was gone yesterday already! And the last of it I drank hours ago! And the Jägermeister isn't even mine! '' He forces himself to not look at her like he thinks she's lying right away because he knows she might lash out at him but he has to make sure he's not making an elephant out of a fly.

'' It really isn't! I took it from Clara after she called me to come aid her and her passed out friend! ''

'' _Clara_ was drinking that? Holly's sister Clara? ''

'' I'm telling you Erik was in this very bloody room only a couple o' minutes ago and you are shocked about a _15 year old_ drinking!? ''

'' I'm sorry but I had to make sure you weren't making him up… Where is he now? What did he want? Did he hurt you? '' Kat rubs her face,

'' He wanted to apologize but I wouldn't let him… A-and I wanted him to go but he refused to leave and as I pushed him he… he had one of his psycho-pushes and suddenly he grabbed me and- ''

'' Kat if your next words are anything close to 'he tried to rape me' I am going to- '' She shakes her head,

'' No! He wouldn't- No… He just… -If my anxiety was a fire and my mind a forest…? ''

'' Yes? ''

'' Then he just poured gasoline over the whole goddamn place and lightened it up…'' Her voice breaks at the end and new tears come to her eyes despite her attempt to offer a smile. She uses humor as a coping mechanism sometimes. She jokes about her illness or her injuries but while she actually finds them funny most of the time, others tend to feel a bit awkward about it.

'' What did he do? ''

'' He started yelling... He told me he's dying without me and that I still owe an eternity to him. He said that, if I won't come with him, he's going to kill everyone I ever loved. '' The tears fall and roll down her cheeks and the shaking returns to her body. Nathan curses,

'' Motherfucker…'' Out of all the things he could have done, that psychopath's going for Kat's anxiety. Of course he had to punch her where she's the most vulnerable. If he'd shown up a month ago she would have blindly followed him and he wishes he could say she only would have to protect her family. But as soon as it's about Erik, Kat's riding dangerously close to being the typical victim of an abusive relationship. No matter what the guy does, she forgives him. Whenever Erik is mentioned she rather looks to the ground like a stubborn child than to face the fact that he is not as much of a victim as she makes him out to be. His past and his sickness might explain why he messed it up so bad but that doesn't mean Kat should just forgive him anything and ignore it ever happened. She is angry at him and she was insulting him once or twice but Nathan is convinced that she would've tagged along if Erik had shown up sooner. It took a lot of work before she was ready to admit she might be better off moving on.

'' Nathan you know what he's like, what if he actually tries to hurt someone? '' Nathan rubs his head as he takes a deep breathe. It wouldn't surprise him if that guy actually tries to kill the people Kat loves to make sure she'll have nowhere else to go, no one else left.

'' He doesn't know where your parents live, does he? ''

'' No. But he found me, he might find my mom and my grandparents. ''

'' You're not that hard to find if he has just a general idea where to look. -What was he like as he left? ''

'' Sad? Kind of broken… I told him to go and he just… left. ''

'' I think in that case chances are higher he'll kill himself rather than someone else. '' That thoughts leaves an awfully sweet taste on his tongue. He was ready to accept him because of Kat but that was over after he broke her heart. And it might be sick, but he enjoys the fantasy of that bastard killing himself. He doesn't deserve her, especially not after his latest fuck-up.

But Kat's obviously not as happy about that possibility as Nathan is. Her eyes suddenly widen in fear and Nathan barely manages to stop her attempt at running to the door. She struggles in his grip,

'' I have to find him- ''

'' Kat! Stop it! You're not going anywhere the way you are right now. It's not your responsibility! '' Slowly she tears up again but this time the frustration and the anger in her seem to get the upper hand. With much more strength than expected, Kat rips herself out of his grasp and starts pacing through the room,

'' Why does he always have to do that?! I would have gotten him back in here before he could have made it down just half the way! I wouldn't have let him go! Neither back then! Even as I had my stuff packed, one small apology and I would have stayed! '' He feels a painful sting in his chest as he looks at her. This man, this psychopathic bastard could hit her, scream at her, push her, grab her and hurt her over and over again and she's still willing to take him back. Suddenly Nathan feels the urge to slap her because of how stupid she is being once again. But then Kat steps into his arms and starts crying her heart out.

'' I still want him back Nathan…! '' Kat's clinging to him, sobbing into his shoulder,

'' I know…''

'' I still love him…! ''

'' I know, it's okay… It's okay Kat… You're gonna be okay…''

* * *

Nathan made her swallow a Valium and got her into bed. He made sure she's tucked in and rests comfortably with a glass of water next to her bed for when she wakes up. Nathan's not leaving her flat though. He sits on the couch, a glass of bourbon in front of him and Kat's gun unlocked in his hand. If that shithead comes in here again, Nathan puts a bullet right through his eye. He might have lost that sword fight back then but he's a damn good shot so he's gonna put an end to this once and for all. With him dead Kat's probably in need of a trip to the psyche-ward but in the end she's much better off this way.

Despite his eagerness to stay up the whole night, Nathan falls asleep around 4am. Each time he thinks there's something moving, he wakes up, only to find the apartment still empty. He looks at Kat every so often but she's barely moving. The Valium makes her a calm sleeper, opposite to her usual routine of tossing and turning every 4th second. The psychopath isn't showing up during the night and Nathan would be lying if he says that he's not a tad disappointed by that.

* * *

Erik found another ladder he could climb right across the street so that the large windows of Kathrine's apartment allow him a perfect sight on her. But watching her sobbing and being unable to do anything to stop it, feels like torture. Then again, he probably is the last person who can comfort her right now. Perhaps that pain in his heart is the punishment he deserves. How could he ever do this to her? How could he feed her fears like that? Threatening her family, threatening to kill them should she disobey him, is unforgivable. After this he no longer deserves her forgiveness. No matter how honest his love is, there is always this monster in the back of his head. It's the same monster that made sure the Opera would always be under his command. Erik knew that allowing Kathrine in his life also means she would encounter this monster whenever it takes control of him.

Erik sighs and buries his face in his hands. Who is he trying to fool here? There is no monster hiding away in his mind that takes control of him like a dark spirit. Because he is that monster. A stubborn child would never accept a 'No' and throw a tantrum whenever it is confronted with that word. Erik is the same. Just that he is no child anymore, he is a man in his mid-30s who becomes violent whenever someone disobeys him. He hurt and killed people if they wouldn't follow his command and until recently he never even considered the possibility that it might have been wrong to react that way. It is embarrassing that it took someone telling him that this isn't right before he considered it. Then again, Antoinette often told him that his way of handling these situations is wrong but he never gave it a thought before Kathrine.

Erik's eyes shift back to Kathrine, she is speaking to someone over the phone, at least that's what it looks like. Perhaps she is calling the police or one of her friends. If only he could comfort her, assure her that he would never dare touch her family. But Kathrine's order to stay out of her life was clear and she deserves at least that much. He hurt her where she was the most vulnerable and he never felt more ashamed of himself. It was a dirty, cowardly move that is unforgivable.

* * *

A little while after Erik left Kathrine's apartment, another Taxi pulled up. Despite his first wave of relieve that Kathrine obviously called for help after all, he soon had _very_ mixed feelings as he recognized the person who was quickly making his way to the door. His feelings soon turned into broiling rage as Kathrine threw herself into the Scholar's arms but this time Erik quickly contained himself. Because even though Erik still despises that man touching his dear angel, he also realized that the Scholar is the only one who can offer Kathrine the comfort she might need at that point. Erik still did not leave them out of his eyes for one moment.

The Scholar is calm, collected, comforting and gentle. He made Kathrine swallow a pill before helping her to bed. Erik could not see everything that was happening, but what he saw was enough to have him relax at least a little. Because Kathrine is safe and that is the only thing that matters.

* * *

The scholar slept on her couch and the brief view on Kathrine's gun in his hand is enough to tell Erik that the Scholar waits for him to return to the apartment. Erik is only glad that Kathrine is not actually in need of that idiot's protection because the wannabe-guardian fell asleep in the early morning and woke up only a few minutes before drugged Kathrine did and made breakfast for the both of them. Erik watched the Scholar encouraging Kathrine to eat something, another thing Erik was grateful for.

The Scholar obviously wants to stay longer, maybe to fall asleep yet another time while pretending to guard her. But Kathrine is not allowing that, what Erik is even more grateful for. To say he wasn't grinning as he watched his angel shove the man out would be a lie. Moments later the Scholar exits the building and leaves in his Taxi. As his eyes move back to Kathrine though, his grin drops. While Erik was watching that Scholar leave, his angel moved to the balcony. Only one glance across the street and Kathrine will detect him. Erik is not sure what to expect should that happen. While she certainly has a lovely nature, she is definitely not the type of woman one shall underestimate either. And now that Erik knows about that gun, he feels extremely nervous about the possibility to be seen and shot. The distance is not that far and Kathrine's balcony is on the same level as his place on the ladder. Part of Erik wants to crawl backwards slowly and hide behind the stairs until she is back inside but if he moves now, she's more likely to see him. Erik feels his heart beating faster and his palms begin to sweat. All the times he hurt her and not once has he considered the fact that she was able to shoot a gun out of another man's hand without taking more than half a second to aim.

Kathrine's focus is on the cigarette and as soon as she finished, she goes back inside and Erik relaxes. Until she steps out once again with a bottle in her hand.

It takes Erik around 10 more cigarettes in which he did not dare to move a muscle while sweating nervously until he realizes that Kathrine is far too wrapped up in her own world to care about what happens across from her. As soon as he grants his body to relax, he feels that most of his muscles are sore. He deserves that soreness. He wouldn't have to fear for his life like that if he hadn't given her the perfect excuse to shoot him. Out of all the things he could have said, Erik chose to threaten Kathrine's family. He did not mean to, the words were out of his mouth before he could think about them. But of course that is no excuse. He knows that after this he really does not deserve her forgiveness again, even if she would offer it. Not again. But now that he knows what life can be like if she is with him, how can he live without her?

* * *

Kathrine left her home on the same night after talking to someone over her phone. He saw her dressing in the same clothing in which she exercised not too long ago and covered herself in a warm jacket. Even though Erik wasn't sure where she was heading to, he already had an unwell feeling about knowing her destination.

It started to snow by the time they arrive at a shabby warehouse that only differs from the many others because of the two lamps lightening the entrance and the noises that are heard each time the doors open. The whole area has been deserted for a while now, a perfect location for doing illegal things without being noticed.

Kathrine enters the building through a smaller door on the left side. The door is guarded by a tall, brawny man with a tattoo on the right side of his neck, a snake if Erik sees it correctly. For a moment Erik considers killing the man to get past him but Kathrine would most likely hear of the murder and then she would know that he is following her. Besides, the only promise to Kathrine Erik has not yet broken is the vow to not kill anyone again. So instead, Erik uses the front door together with a few more people. To be honest, he is quite grateful that he can leave the cold for a little while. His clothing is not thick enough for these freezing temperatures.

The moment he enters though, he scrunches his nose in disgust and almost feels the need to go back into the cold. The dominating stenches in the building are blood and sweat but they are not the only things he can abruplty name even though he would prefer not to. The inside is one large hall with a few lamps dangling from the ceiling and a boxing ring in the middle. A look at the ceiling abruptly has Erik notice the cage dangling above the ring, possibly to keep the fighters from fleeing. Or if he thinks about Kathrine's technique, from falling into the crowd,. The idea that they have the cage because Kathrine was tossing people around and into the crowd all the time has him smiling for a moment. Until the lights around him suddenly go out and only the ring is flooded in light. Loud music comes from large black boxes in each corner of the warehouse. He remembers the night Kathrine showed him the music on her phone as he recognizes the song but Erik forces his mind to not wander anywhere else right now. The crowd seems to be focusing on something on the right side but Erik can't see with so many people in the way. There are outlines on the wall that might hint on a door.

'' _Are you ready?_ '' A man's voice is coming from the black boxes now too and Erik realizes that these must be something like the loudspeakers on Kathrine's laptop, just much bigger. He looks back to the ring and sees a man standing in the middle. The crowd cheers louder. For something that Kathrine described as illegal, these people certainly do not care for trying to keep this whole thing much of a secret. No one within the crowd looks in any way worried they might be discovered and arrested, nor do they care for keeping their voices down. The screaming must be clearly audible for whoever is in this area so how on earth is this place not already closed down? On the other hand, the walls might be built to isolate the sound. That and the abandoned location of this building would guarantee invisibility from the authorities.

'' Well then _rele_ _eeaa_ _ase_ the _Tigress_! '' The man screams into something that transfers his voice to the loud-speakers quite dramatically and points to the spot that the crowd was looking at before. After scanning the wall quickly for anything he could step on to have a better view, he finds a bucket. The doors open and someone comes into the hall but to see who these people are cheering for is not as much of a victory as he thought. The light is directly focused on Kathrine and it follows her as she jumps around to the music. In a mix of dancing and jumping she makes her way to the ring and slaps into a couple of hands that are reaching out for her.

 _I live for the applause, applause, applause! I live for the applause-plause! Live for the applause-plause!_

 _Live for the way that you cheer and scream for me! The applause, applause, applause!_

'' _Welcome our unbeaten Champion! 15 wins in a row, each fight more entertaining than the last one!_ '' Erik's eyes narrow as he notices the way Kathrine acts in the spotlight. None of the previously displayed anxiety is visible in her behavior. Kathrine told him how being in the spotlight has her panicking and each time she was on the stage Erik could clearly see that panic. But here she is completely enjoying herself. Her eyes close in between while her hips use their full potential to swing. Everything about this place seems odd to Erik. Is this really the arena where Kathrine participates in the brutal battles that left several scars on her body already? Or is it much more a show to entertain people and Kathrine was well taught about what to say if she is asked about the origin of her scars. It might be possible that, while the scars actually were created in this arena, a real fight was not the reason for them. Mistakes while faking a fight happen all the time. Erik can remember the man that lost his eye two years ago while rehearsing a faked fight very well. It is one of the risks you are aware of if you choose to perform something that is supposed to look as real as possible.

Then there is the chance that there are two kinds of fights she is engaging in. The dangerous one and this show that merely serves to entertain. Erik's hands curl to fists as he watches Kathrine easily climbing into the ring. She grins at the man close to her and motions for the crowd to cheer louder, which they abruptly do. She is bathing in this attention. Erik can hear them screaming her name.

 _Kat! Kat! Kat! Kat!_

His stomach clenches in anticipation, surely this has to be the fake, legal version. Kathrine would never say her real name in an illegal fight. He needs a sign, anything that tells him this is not the kind of fight that will most definitively hurt her or cause yet another scar on her perfect body.

Erik silently curses his mind as he suddenly remembers that Kathrine told him about the time someone injured her with a knife. He remembers the scar, every detail of it. It was large, it looked like the cut was deep. It must have bled a lot, maybe so much that she lost a dangerous amount. Kathrine told him she lost that fight and won twelve stitches. Blame the way Kathrine acted and reacted as she was threatened with a gun but Erik has the idea that there might have been more to that fight than she led on. The scar tissue was different on both ends. It is very much possible that Kathrine just kept fighting and the stretch that was on the scar thereof caused her skin to rip open even more. That is why the scar has another tissue at each end. Of course Erik can only guess and put together what clues he has but the way Kathrine reacts if someone threatens her life is alarmingly indifferent. Kathrine did not seem like the kind of person to be suicidal but if Erik had to give her behavior a description he'd say that she is not suicidal but she is not afraid of death either which has her caring very little for something that could be life threatening as long as there is something else she thinks is more important in that moment. Now that Erik is really allowing himself to think about all this, it actually fills a few gaps that were always in his mind whenever he thought of Kathrine's character.

Which means that the nervousness Erik felt changes into pure fear for Kathrine's life. Because if this whole thing here is, despite it's rather odd structure, a _real_ fight in which almost everything is allowed, Kathrine is willing to pay whatever price is necessary to win. And perhaps that is the reason no one manages to beat her. Because this risky behavior is extremely unusual. Even the strongest, most stubborn person will stop fighting at some point if they think their life is in danger.

Erik's palms begin to sweat. Right now Kathrine is emotionally even more unstable than she normally is and the substance abuse Kathrine once told him about might be worse than what he saw. Who knows what is currently inside her body. What drugs did she flush down with the whiskey he saw her drinking on the way. Her reflexes might not function like they usually do. If her opponent is strong, he might beat her. And Kathrine will not back down in case she is hurt. Which means, Kathrine is in acute danger.

Erik's hands ball into tight fists until his knuckles begin to ache. It is very much possible that he is making this whole situation worse than it is because he interprets more into it than he should. He is probably just exaggerating things here. But even if he is right about this, if Kathrine really happens to encounter a situation where her life is in acute danger, Erik will step in and protect her. She will be furious at him, she will hate him even more than she already does, too. But at least she will be alive. He is willing to have her be mad at him as long as she is alive.

Suddenly another man steps into the ring. Erik was so deep in thought that he completely missed the man's announcement. Her opponent bears a scar right across the left half of his face starting on his eyebrow and stopping on his lips. Scratches. Kathrine's trademark. His angel looks at the marks with a cheeky smirk,

'' Really love the scratches. Are you a fan or did I beat you already? One way or the way, _r_ _awrrr_. '' She makes a cat-like movement with her hand while winking at him playfully. The man glares at her, his voice is rough but part of Erik believes the man is making it sound like that to be more threatening. He's muscular but he's not very thick which might make him more flexible than other men with his strength.

'' Neither. '' Kathrine purses her lips, her hands now in her hips,

'' S&M lover? ''

'' Laugh as much as you want… You won't be able to do so much longer. You won't win this fight. I spent many months analyzing your techniques and I know every trick of yours by heart. '' She raises an eyebrow,

'' So more a stalker than a fan. Not that flattering. '' She shrugs, either completely oblivious or absolutely not impressed by the man's words. Erik feels suddenly much more tensed. Kathrine's technique was what allowed her to do things beyond her actual strength and Erik can very well imagine that her rather unique way to fight always were the advantage allowing her to be so reckless. She might not realize how much of a problem this could become to her. Just in case Erik has to step in, he makes sure to move a little further but he barely manages to push through and soon he has to give up. He will push through with more force if Kathrine really faces any danger. Right now Erik is confident that she will win. He saw her fighting, saw her training, that man might have watched her a few times but it won't be enough to recognize each attack soon enough to stop them.

'' I'm gonna pull your claws pussy-cat. '' He seems confident. She only winks at him in response. The grin on her face is almost dripping with arrogance but her body is tensed. So there is a little caution in her after all.

The man introducing the two fighters leaves the ring and suddenly the cage is lowered, locking the two fighters into it. Erik swallows. There's still a chance that this really is nothing more but a well rehearsed show.

The Ding of a bell that announces the beginning of the first round abruptly wipes that small glimmer of hope on Erik's horizon away. The two fighters run towards each other and Kathrine uses her speed to jump off the ground just before she reaches him, her leg aiming to kick hard against her opponent's head but the man grabs her on her ankle just before she can touch him and uses her jump against her to hurl her into the cage behind him. Kat manages to turn in the last second and push herself off the cage through what she lands on all four, earning an extra round of cheering from the crowd.

Kathrine's eyes bear an expression that makes Erik a little nervous. It is similar to the way she was glaring the Inspector down, without any kind of mercy and a sick satisfaction. For the first time Erik wonders if he ever looked like that as he killed someone before. He felt a satisfied smirk coming to his lips one or two times but that's all he can really say for certain. He enjoys being stronger, he enjoys winning. It probably makes him much more like one of these people than he thought.

'' Not bad. '' Kathrine actually looks impressed, as if she's enjoying the threat this man is.

'' I have a photographic memory. I can still see every single one of your attacks right in front of my eye. ''

'' Interesting. Let's test that, shall we? '' Kathrine dashes forwards and starts a series of attacks. Punches, high and low kicks, attempted techniques to either hurt him or rip him off his feet. He blocks or counters every single one of them. Those who have more force than he expected got him out of balance a few times but each attack Kathrine chose next to completely get him off his feet was one of those he was more prepared for so he could block her while regaining his stance. The crowd is unsure who to cheer for, some are confident 'the Tigress' will beat the guy, others say that without her pretty techniques she is not strong enough to actually have a chance against this copy-cat. Erik can hear that most of the voices are still rooting for his angel of music though. Kathrine really is very popular in this business, if one can call it that.

As another attack of hers is blocked, Kathrine makes a rather far backflip to get some distance between her and the man that is obviously pushing her into a corner she has not been in before. She's trying to hide it but Erik can see the sweat running down her forehead, the way her eyes are no longer only narrowed in a mix of strict focus and threat to intimidate the man across her. Erik isn't sure if everyone else sees it too but to him she looks as if he's actually frustrating her to a level where she feels hopeless that her technique will be of any use to her right now. After a second she offers a smirk,

'' Not bad Rick, I'm impressed. '' Kat's knees are bend are little, her back bend forwards and her arms hanging at her sides. Her shoulders are moving up and down with each heavy but controlled breath, she's clearly thinking up a new strategy. But her opponent is not granting her that break she is in need of. Suddenly he's storming towards her and her attempt to move aside is stopped by his arm grasping hers. A hard kick to her stomach pushes her backwards, her torso bending forwards while she coughs up saliva. She keeps stumbling backwards until her back collides with the grid. Erik flinched while everyone around him was giving their own comment to Kathrine's current situation. For a few seconds Kathrine remains bend over with her arms in front of her stomach and her eyes closed.

Rick is disgustingly confident and the crowd is waiting for the next move. The silence that fell over the room allows everyone to hear the growl coming from Kathrine. Her teeth are grit as her eyes drop to her sides and her head snaps up at the opponent. Kathrine's eyes are narrowed dangerously, she looks like a wild animal, captured in a sudden blood-rush. She wants to hurt Rick, maybe even kill him.

She dashes forwards again and makes a move for a throw that usually would have her opponent crash into the grid with enough force to leave bruises but just as she sees him getting ready to block that attack, she suddenly drops to her knees and uses the tunnel his widely spread legs form to get behind him. Before Rick can react, Kathrine is already pouncing at him from behind and wraps her legs around his neck. With the force and speed of her jump she brings up enough power to easily knock them both over. The man crashes face-first into the ground with a loud crash and a crack that announces the broken state his nose is in. But Kathrine is not done. The moment Rick crashed down, Kathrine is jumping up once more and angles her legs so that she slams knees-first into his back. The following cracks are louder than the one before and Erik is sure that she broke at least two of his ribs. Rick howls in agony and Kathrine quickly rolls off him to the side.

That last attack obviously caused some damage to her knees as well because Kathrine winces as she comes to a halt on all four and rises to her feet. She keeps her knees bend, slightly moving up and down as if they need to be put back into place. Erik wonders how long it's been since Kathrine last received such a nasty blow to have her react in such a feral way. Almost all of Kathrine's special techniques are aiming to knock the opponent out quickly. That means Kathrine is not always interested in actually brutalizing them, she only wants to enjoy herself and win. But this attack wasn't aiming to knock Rick out, she wanted him to be conscious and feel the damage she caused. So she really must have taken that kick to heart.

As worried as he is about her, he can't help feeling proud of his little hurricane finding such a clever way to still cause such damage even though her opponent knows her moves by heart. Pain briefly flashes in her eyes as her hands rub the painful spots of her knees while Rick actually gets back to his feet- much to the surprise of most people in the crowd. His nose isn't just broken, it's shattered. The different directions the broken pieces are pointing to make it oddly crooked. Most parts of his face that are below his nose are quickly covered in blood until it drips onto the ground. Even with the adrenaline rushing through him he should be in too much pain to stand. Erik can say out of first hand how hard it is to just breathe with broken ribs. Moving around with them is impossible. How can that man still stand up with the intention to let the fight continue?

Realization has Erik's eyes widen in a heart beat. Just like Kathrine, Rick is not interested in his injuries. To him the only thing that matters is winning the battle. That leaves them both mentally on the exact same level. They will keep fighting until either their opponent breaks down or they do. Giving up is not even an option. Erik feels more worried than proud once again but he also realizes that the broken ribs are a huge disadvantage which in turn gives Kathrine the advantage to be faster. While she got to feel a rather nasty kick, she's still more agile than her opponent and the broken ribs should make Rick even slower.

'' This is exciting! I wasn't facing a real challenge in years now! '' Kathrine suddenly yells at Rick with an almost insane grin that reaches her widened eyes. Rick's eyes narrow,

'' Don- fuck…! Don't t-think this is ove-over yet…! '' He forces out through grit teeth, he's sweating from the immense pain but forces himself to stand up straight then. Kathrine quits this with a slight title of her head,

'' Don't be so grumpy Rickster. Did ya actually think you'd beat me just 'cause you take my advantages from me? If the only reason I've won this many fights was 'cause of my technique I'd be a pretty shitty Champion, don't ya think? '' She opens her arms in mock, her hip now pushed out in that to Erik familiar gesture of confidence. With a sudden scream of anger, Rick rushes towards her. Kathrine waits until he is almost close enough to hurt her before she she uses the cage behind her to push herself high enough in the air to be able to jump over his head without Rick having the chance to grab her out of the air. Just as Rick turns to block her attack, Kat drops to the floor, her back pressed on the ground to make sure her legs have enough of a support to kick Rick's legs apart and once more have him crash to the ground. That move was more serving the purpose of playing with him rather than actually putting an end to this. Kathrine is using bluffs and double techniques to reach the same goal but the photographic memory of Rick is still making Erik a bit uneasy.

His gut feeling turns out to be right as Rick once more gets to his feet and Kathrine's attempt to crash her fist into the point where his broken ribs must be is quickly fooled by the older male. Erik's eyes widen in horror as Rick not only blocks her attack but also quickly responds with an attack as well. Rick's not brawny but Erik's original guess about how strong he actually is also turns out to be about right as Rick's fist slams into the same spot that his foot did not long ago and Kathrine's whole body actually is lifted off the ground a few centimeters. Kathrine's eyes roll into the back of her head somewhat, her mouth wide open but no sound getting past her lips. Kathrine's hands cling to the arm connected to the fist, her fingers digging into his skin slightly. The crowd screams in everything from shock to amazement as Rick suddenly withdraws his fist, only to have his foot once more slamming into that same spot and Kathrine is tossed into the grids, impacting with the steel hard enough to shake the whole cage. Erik didn't hear any bones breaking, which he takes as a good sign, but the way Kathrine's body just collapses without any signs of life has his heart dropping to his knees in fear. That spot Rick was repeatedly brutalizing is a very dangerous thing to pick. Erik wants to move to the cage and check if Kathrine is breathing but he can't move. The force that was used should be more than enough to kill her. The crowd fell completely silent the same moment her body collapsed and now there's barely anyone daring to move and break the tension that covers the whole room.

Rick breathes heavily, each time he inhales with a clearly audible wheezing, he flinches a little. His eyes are narrowed as he glares down at Kathrine, waits for her to make a move. As she remains completely motionless he allows his body to relax,

'' So much for 'unbeatable Champion'… Told you I'd pull your claws. '' Erik's staring at Kathrine's lifeless body with wide open eyes. He forgets how to breathe suddenly, how to move, all he can do is stare at the way her body lies on the ground. As if there's not a single muscle functioning. Like a puppet.

 _Kathrine…_

'' Looks like there's a new Champion in this house! '' Rick announces with his arms open. The crowd is still mute and frozen before slowly the first few begin to cheer but a large part remains silent. Erik feels like someone just ripped something out of his body. Kathrine might be tougher than most women but the structure of her bones should not be capable to handle a repeated attack like this without something breaking. Maybe the noise of the cage rustling as she impacted covered the noise of a breaking bone but Erik could swear he didn't hear anything like that. The way the crowd reacts to Kathrine's loss is another reason for Erik to not believe that she would lose this easily. Her body was a lot faster as she took out the policemen back at the Opera what proves another theory of Erik. She must be heavily influenced by whatever she consumed. Probably more than just one thing, too. Erik was right many times tonight and most of them he would rather have been wrong about.

 _Stand up Kathrine..._

'' _Oi oi… not so fast Ricky-baby_ …'' The raspy, slightly muffled but definitely familiar voice abruptly shuts the few cheering up and has every eye abruptly moving to the body on the ground. Like a broken doll Kathrine rolls her shoulders and pops every bone back into its original place while getting back to her feet. She spits some blood on the ground next to her and wipes her mouth while starring at Rick who still has his back to her. The man claiming his victory just a moment ago almost looks as if he's turned to stone if it wasn't for the way his shoulders would slowly begin to shake before the rest of his body slowly follows that example. Kathrine stares at his back with her head cocked to the side and an almost apologetic frown on her face,

'' Y'know… I really like that title and it was a bit of a piece of work to get this far. 'm sorry but you can't have it. '' Slowly Rick turns and for a moment he just stares at Kathrine in silence as if she was a ghost. There's a certain look in his eyes that Erik has seen in many eyes many times before: Perplexed, stunned terror. The kind of fear one only feels if something is beyond their understanding.

'' H-how… how are you still conscious? '' His voice is barely loud enough for Erik to understand from where he stands but Kathrine seems amused by that fear. She taps her finger against her temple,

'' All a matter of control. '' Rick looks her up and down,

'' How aren't your bones broken...'' She shrugs with an adorable expression of complete innocence on her face,

'' Uh… I dunno, enough calcium as a kid? Lots of luck? Maybe I'm a Witch. '' At the last part there's that cheeky smirk returning to her lips while her eyes narrow only a little but it's enough to have Rick slowly taking a step backwards,

'' I hit the nerve bundle in your stomach… you shouldn't be capable to stand… you shouldn't even be able to breathe...''

'' Yeah, tough shit. Told ya it takes more to beat me, didn't I? '' Erik feels a wide grin coming to his lips and he is honestly not sure if he ever was as proud of someone as he is of Kathrine right in this moment. Whatever trick this is Kathrine is using, she somehow manages to either ignore the pain that should be controlling every fiber of her body or stop it from reaching her brain in the first place. He tries to think about something that could have an effect like this but nothing that Erik can think of would actually work as well as Kathrine's method does. His finger itch with curiosity and he feels the sudden very persistent urge to ask her about this. Of course he can't do that, not now at least. Perhaps he will have another chance to talk to her in hopefully near future without her throwing him out right away. Hopefully he will be able to control himself properly then as well.

'' I-I don't… H-how…'' She takes a step closer and Rick takes a step back. As he feels the cage in his back he moves along the wall of it to make sure there's as much distance between them as possible.

'' C'mon Rick! You really wanna quit now? I was having so much fun! '' She keeps her voice monotone beside a small bit of faked innocence, fully aware that it is right now frightening her opponent to the bone. If Erik was in Rick's position, he'd probably feel similar about this. But knowing her means Erik knows there is some secret behind this trick. A special training or some kind of barrier in her mind. Something she originally learned to make sure the blackouts she hates with such passion have as little control over her as possible. Perhaps it was something that was supposed to help her regain control while a blackout was already starting. Whatever it is, right now it proves to be extremely helpful and the little extra that whatever Kathrine is using appears to be impossible to most people gives Kathrine both the opportunity to play with her opponent a little, as well as give her reputation a new kick.

'' You're cheating! You can't possibly still walk around like that after I- ''

'' This is a fight, Rick. Finish it and stop being a pussy. '' There's a glimpse of annoyance in her eyes but Rick is oblivious to that.

'' I'm being the pussy?! That's rich comin' from someone who rather cheats than to fuckin' lose! ''

'' Cheats? Aw, d'ya feel hurt in your male honor just because I have better control over my body than you do? Try Yoga. '' A few people, Erik included, laugh briefly.

'' Fuck control man! Nobody can just shut that off! ''

'' Actually there are about 2.000 people that can, it's just a bit of a risk to actually do that. It's _training_ , not cheatin', smart-arse. So fucking finish your fight you fuckin' piece o' pussy-shit. '' Rick stares at her another moment, clearly trying to decide what to do next. Then suddenly he charges at her, he makes a motion that hints on something Erik saw Kathrine doing as a start for the technique that allows her to haul a man twice her size and weight across the room. Obviously Kathrine notices that as well because she grabs both his wrists and jumps up through what she can easily kick her feet with a little extra force into his chest. He falls back into the cage again while Kathrine comes down on all four. She stands up and moves swiftly up to him. With her eyes narrowed dangerously she grabs him on his collar to slam him into the bars in warning,

'' You fuckin' use my technique again and I'll bitch-slap you into the next generation you bloody copy-cat! First you callin' me a cheater and then you bloody copy me!? '' Rick opens his mouth to yell back at her but Kathrine obviously has more than enough of this now because she slams her fist into his throat and as soon as he bends down to gag, Kathrine rams her foot into his face, slamming his head hard enough into the bars to knock him out cold. She hisses down at him before turning,

'' Can someone remove that pathetic worm from my cage? '' Kathrine asks the two security guards Erik did not notice before in a bored tone and suddenly the whole warehouse begins to cheer and applaud. The security guards step onto the stage to carry the unconscious man out of the same door Kathrine came in through. As much as Erik is still disapproving of this whole issue about the illegal fights, he has to admit that it was very entertaining and most of the time he was positively impressed by how much he was cheering along, if not as loudly as the rest of the people around him. Kathrine is an incredibly skilled fighter. Of course he was impressed by her unique technique back in the Opera already but to watch her fight a real opponent was, most of the time, a thrilling experience he is glad to have been part of. Obviously Kathrine made herself a real name here and the reaction that went through the crowd as she was hit the first time let on that this is not happening often, which of course releases him a lot more than he thought it would. She already told him that he has no right to forbid her this and in all honesty, most of him doesn't want to any longer after what he saw today. But the part that felt like a part of his own soul died as he was forced to stand there and watch Kathrine getting hurt this badly wants to try and talk her out of it. In the end though, it is a way for Kathrine to feel in control, to earn money and to stay strong. She is enjoying this and he would never try to take something from her that she enjoys this much.

As Kathrine agrees to yet another fight though, Erik realizes that she is in desperate need of a clear set of rules though. See her limits and accept them, know when to stop. Then again, with the situation being as it is right now, there's nothing he can do. Except standing here in the crowd and applauding her, ready to step in if her little trick to shut the pain out should suddenly fail her.

* * *

The fight Kathrine agreed to is childsplay to her. She was challenged by a much weaker opponent and only made sure the fight is entertaining the crowd for a few minutes before knocking him out with yet another impressive technique of hers. It was rather quick but there was not much she could have done to somehow prolong this. Her opponent tried his luck because he thought she'd be easy to beat after the beating she already took. Of course that was a big mistake. That man was not even getting close to landing a hit. Kathrine was bored and that she openly displayed for everyone to see and humiliate the man.

* * *

Kathrine leaves soon after the second fight ended and Erik knows that this is his cue to leave the building as well. The way to the exit is much easier than the way to the ring was before and he has to wait a little while for his beloved to leave through that same small door on the side of the building. As he sees her stepping outside into the cold, her bruised body is cleverly hidden underneath her black jacket, the hood covering most of her face. He is everything but pleased as he notices how she holds herself. The barricade must have lost its effect then. She is stumbling into the wall after taking the first few steps towards the street. Erik takes a step towards her in reflex but abruptly retreats. It would probably only make things worse for Kathrine if he exposes himself like this to this time. He can always carry her home if she collapses somewhere on the way home, for now he will have to be her secret guardian. Kathrine takes a few more deep breathes while grabbing three white pills out of her pocket. She swallows them and lights then a cigarette. A few puffs and she pushes herself off the wall to make her way to the street once more. It pains Erik to see her like this. As she suddenly stops just as she reaches the street, Erik shifts to another position to find out what causes her to make such an abrupt halt. Erik is both annoyed and released to see the Scholar waiting in front of the building. On one hand Erik still cannot bring himself to like that man- he was ready to accept him for Kathrine's sake but he will never really like him. On the other hand he can help her right now. As soon as the Scholar notices Kathrine, he takes a step away from his taxi towards her. The street is empty otherwise, the crowd inside probably enjoys more battles.

'' Kat. '' The Scholar looks at her in anger first but as he sees her face he takes a step closer and his frown changes into worry,

'' How the hell did you know where I am? '' Kat asks while stomping the halfway finished cigarette out on the ground. In that moment Holly exits the metal coffin and Erik almost smirks at the angry glare on her face. Kathrine already told him that this expression is actually only really used on her for whenever she does something extremely stupid and Holly is mad. Instead of backing down though, Kathrine snorts. Despite how tiny of a sign it is though, Erik notices her body swaying to the sight a bit. A sign for her circulation being damaged, her vision must be unclear too. She is hurt a lot worse than she admits to herself and for the first time in his life he is truly grateful that the scholar is with her. Perhaps she will listen to him, or at least to Holly. Perhaps together they can keep her safe, make sure her injuries will be taken care of.

'' I won. '' Her voice cracks. Holly's jaw clenches,

'' And you think that's gonna change anything? '' Kathrine shrugs,

'' Maybe not. But that's none of your business. ''

'' Get in the car. '' The Scholar points at the Taxi- the car -behind him but Kathrine's smirk only turns more arrogant,

'' I rather walk, thank you. ''

'' How long do you want to keep this up! '' Holly suddenly yells, taking a step closer. Kathrine shrugs carelessly,

'' The fighting? Well I guess until I don't have to pay bills anymore. So that might take some time. ''

'' Get another job! ''

'' I thought about becoming an Escort again. I might call Teresa tomorrow- '' Erik almost flinches as he feels vomit creeping up his throat. Kathrine swore to him she won't take that kind of employment again. Of course that was as he promised her to be with her. But to hear her considering it again feels like a punch to the gut.

'' You think this is any form of revenge?!- ''

'' I am not attempting any revenge. I'm living my life. And I do it as I please so leave me alone. I don't owe you anything. I don't owe anyone anything…'' Suddenly Holly is in front of her and before Kathrine or the scholar can react, she slaps Kathrine hard enough for her already weakened body to ruck to the side.

'' You bloody arrogant spoiled bitch! This isn't just about you! You're hurting others more than you hurt yourself with this! So pull yourself together and get in the bloody car! '' Kathrine barely reacts to the hit. She cups her reddening cheek gently but fails to look at her friend. And suddenly Kathrine lashes out. Quickly she grabs Holly, kicks her legs aside to make her loose her balance and lowers her to the ground. With that, before Holly or the Scholar can stop her, Kathrine leaves. The scholar grits his teeth as he watches her leave but helps Holly to her feet first.

 _Why is he not following her?_

With the help of the Scholar, Holly quickly gets to her feet but she only takes few steps into Kathrine's direction,

'' Kat! '' Kathrine's fast steps change to a crooked running . The scholar just stands there and watches her leave with an expression that Erik cannot name. Holly grits her teeth as Kathrine is about to round a corner,

'' _**Kat**_ **!** '' Kathrine does not stop and Erik is quick to follow her. If his life ever taught him something, it was running.

Kathrine comes to a halt as soon as she is sure that her friends will not find her. She is breathing heavily, as if she never exercised in her life. Erik blames her condition for that. Her body was strained much worse than she expected. Now it is his duty to make sure she is reaching her home safely.


	3. Chapter 3 - Maybe I Was Wrong

**Chapter 3** \- Maybe I Was Wrong

* * *

The next night she is back on the street, still limping, still hurt. But to Erik's release, Kathrine is not making her way to this horrible arena again. Instead she walks for about 10 minutes deeper into the town until she reaches a pub that she disappears into. Another rather rundown local but this attire is rather usual for a local like this. Erik walks around the building to look through one of the windows. It does not take him long to spot her, she is sitting by the counter with a glass of what looks like whiskey in front of her. After finishing that in one go, she orders another one and holds a small but obviously friendly conversation with the bartender. Erik can very well imagine that they know each other. Considering Kathrine's alcoholism, he can actually imagine that she knows every bartender within a 5 kilometer range.

Two drinks later, a man enters the pub and sits down beside her. They talk briefly, drink a shot together and stand then up. After embracing each other, Kathrine places a few wrinkled bills on the counter, fist bumps the bartender and leaves the building. Just as Erik is about to make his way back to the street, Kathrine suddenly turns into the same alley he is in. He disappears behind a container, hoping she won't see him if she walks past him. But she never does. The sound of her footsteps halts close to him and he hears rustling. Carefully Erik peeks around the corner to find her standing in the middle of the way, a transparent bag in her hand that is filled with white pills. She examines it briefly before taking out three of them but she only pops two of them into her mouth which she swallows. The last she breaks into two halves. One half she puts back into the bag, the other she places on her tongue and chews it. There's a shudder of disgust running through her whole body as she spreads it in her mouth with her tongue. Erik is no fool, he knows what she is doing there.

 _So that is the reason for her appearance in this local. The man she embraced gave her new drugs. And the Bartender knew about it. The pills have to be Morphine._

Kathrine leans her back and head against the wall behind her and closes her eyes for a second. As she opens them, they're a little narrowed. He saw the same one briefly yesterday but he blamed her injuries then. Now he knows better. Kathrine is not only taking them against the pain, she is aiming to get high. She shudders and starts to move, no longer a sign of pain in her steps. That confirms his previous deduction. Morphine.

Was Kathrine addicted to Morphine already as she came to the Opera with her class? Erik noticed that she has quite a lot pills with her but was that enough to satisfy a body that is addicted? Erik saw her swallowing pills every now and then but it was not constant and he never saw any signs for an addiction as she stayed with him. The pills she received from the scholar looked different, too. On the other hand, she had many opportunities to satisfy her addiction without Erik realizing what is going on. He left her alone to change, to sleep, to bath. And of course in between whenever he had to use to bathroom.

Suddenly Erik realizes how much he actually failed to notice even though it was happening right in front of his nose. Perhaps Kathrine's addiction and general condition have become even worse since he hurt her, but the addiction itself was most likely already formed in her own world. Erik has his own history with Morphine, he knows how it works and what it is supposed to do. One does not simply abuse so many substances without trying to numb something or perhaps even forget something. Kathrine told him that she sometimes experiences blackouts, perhaps she is trying to avoid these or completely drown them with that colorful mix of substances. Kathrine was always very open about most parts of her state but whenever she spoke about these blackouts, Erik saw fear and sadness displayed on her body.

Calmly Kathrine puts the earphone into her ears and begins to walk down the street, further into town. Considering how he's dressed, he stays in the shadows and out of sight as much as possible but even if people notice him, they just walk past him. There is no one that even looks at him, not even faintly. This city is so busy with itself that nobody cares for anything that is outside of their private little world.

Kathrine makes a short stop at a small shop and buys herself some fries. While eating her food, she walks through the mildly filled city, her head barely moving around. There seems to be no real destination on her mind and like everyone else, she is not focusing on what is not her business. She stops in front of a small side alley as she obviously notices something inside of it that Erik cannot see. After putting the last of her food into her mouth, she quickly goes into another store. It doesn't take long until she steps out again, an extremely thick and one or two thinner blankets in her arms, a can and a new jacket on her body. Erik narrows his eyes, the jacket is thick and too big for her, beside that it is not like the cloths Kathrine usually wears. She quickly disappears in a store with Asian letters above the doors, a few minutes pass bye and she comes out with a large brown paper-bag. After looking down at the things in her arms as if she's making a mental list, she rushes into the alley that caught her interest. Erik hurries to the corner and carefully peeks around it. Whatever it was that Erik may or may not have expected to find, is not what he is actually met with and it has him rushing behind a large container that is in the middle of the alley so that he will not miss anything,

Kathrine kneels in front of an elderly woman and her dog that hide at the end of the alley. The woman is dressed in old rags which must be offering much less warmth than Erik's cloths and he is freezing ever since it first started to snow. There are several pieces of paper cartons spread out beneath them, probably meant to provide some protection against the coldness on the ground. There is no snow reaching the alley because the roofs of the buildings are spreading across it but the dampness of the air should be enough to make these cartons look exactly the same the ones next to the container do.

'' Here, one side of the blanket is water resistant, you won't have to sit on something wet anymore. '' Kathrine helps the woman to her feet so they can put the extremely thick blanket on the ground that offers enough space for the woman and her dog to comfortably rest on. She hands the woman the other two blankets, puts the paper bag on the ground on the blanket and shrugs out of the large jacket to hand it to the woman as well.

'' There's soup in the can already, I hope it stays warm for a while. The food is still hot so eat is right away. It's enough for you and the dog. '' The woman looks at Kathrine as if she is a hallucination, too stunned to say anything what gives Kathrine the chance to slip out of her bag and open it. She puts a bowl on the ground and fills it with water from a large plastic bottle. The dog abruptly begins to drink happily and Kathrine puts the bottle beside it before pulling out another one. The last thing Kathrine pulls out is a plastic bag with a dog on the front.

'' I could never accept so many things Miss...'' The woman finally chirps up, completely overwhelmed by the situation. Kathrine gets back to her feet while slipping on her bag,

'' Poppycock. I know most shelters doesn't allow animals in and the one that does is full all the time. This way you will be able to hold out for a while. ''

'' But all this… it must have been expensive...''

'' Not really. I got enough money, don't worry. I have enough food, my rent is payed and I don't have to support anyone, so don't worry about it. Keep the dog safe and we're cool. '' Kathrine smiles at the woman another time before making her way back to the street. Erik pushes himself as much into the corner as he can, hoping she won't see him. Then he sees her, her back is a little hunched, which Erik was already expecting. Madam Giry told him that Kathrine's biggest hurdle was to walk with her back straight. Antoinette was quite impressed that Kathrine remembered to not hunch forwards while she was on the stage. Perhaps she was hunching and they simply missed it. The hunch is barely visible if one does not specifically look for it. Erik noticed her back being round most of the time very early. She would sit with her legs crossed and her back round to allow her to place her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands- of course only if her phone was not placed in her hands.

Erik soon realized that the addiction to mobile phones Kathrine's world allegedly suffers from was not something she made up to make fun of him. Each morning the first thing Kathrine would do is check her phone, while breakfast she would tap around on it absently, over the day the same habits and at night she checked her phone again before making sure the device is right beside her. Closer observations of Kathrine's friends soon proofed to have the exact same results: They always had the device close by, even though Kathrine mentioned that many features were not available. It is almost fascinating how many people Erik already saw who were blindly walking around with their eyes glued to their phones. How they all are not constantly crashing into each other is beyond him.

Kathrine's eyes are a little red, as if she is not sleeping well for a while now, or perhaps not sleeping at all most of the time. On the other hand it could be the substances in her body causing her eyes to be irritated as well. Erik has to pay closer attention, perhaps he will be able to find a way to properly apologize and make it up to her if he knows what exactly it is that is eating her up lately. As much as Erik tries to push it away, there is always that tiny voice telling him that all of this is his fault. Had he not left her in such a horrible manner, if he only had tried to talk to her, she might still be with him. She would not hate him, he would never have attacked her and threatened her family. They might still be happy.

Erik holds his breathe as she walks past him, afraid he might hear him breathing and notice him. If she realizes that he is following her she would never forgive him. She made it more than clear how much this kind of behavior repulses her. But right now Erik just has to act against her approval. So he will follow her until he either finds a way to make everything right, or until the freezing temperatures kill him. One way or the other, he'd be grateful is one of these two options, preferably the first, happens soon because Erik can feel the cold affecting his body more and more. He will have to find something warm, a coat perhaps or a jacket and a blanket. He was looking for a place he could steal what he needs from but Kathrine has not yet come across such a place. And Erik is just not willing to leave her out of his sight. He was to watch over her, protect her, make sure she is not overdosing.

Despite the friendly expression in front of that lady, Kathrine looks quite annoyed as she walks past him. Annoyed and arrogant, a quite unusual combination.

Erik's lips curl in disgust as Kathrine takes another cigarette between her lips and lightens it. Perhaps she would be able to hide an addiction to pills from him, but hiding that she smoked is impossible, even for someone as clever as her. And Erik is completely sure that Kathrine did not smoke that much as she was with him. He'd like to pretend that nothing of this is his responsibility, but the truth is that Kathrine is a young woman with severe mental health issues, who even _told_ _him_ how unstable she is. The truth is, that he hurt her several times and always again allowed his insecurities to cloud his judgment which only led to him hurting her again. But threatening her family had nothing to do with his insecurities, he said those things because he wanted her to come back to him. If the only possible way to archive that was to threaten her family, he was willing to try it. She refused to sing, she pushed him away, she was being irresponsible. He only wanted to talk to her! He wanted to explain but she is not even granting him that!

Erik balls his hands to tight fists until his knuckles begin to ache. His teeth are grit as regret and self-hatred fills him. How can he try to blame Kathrine for all this? She was not the one that left him without any words of farewell. She was not the one that threatened his family just because she acted logical considering the situation that was given. Kathrine has not, is not and never will be in fault of what is happening right now. He is the only one to blame and now he has to pay the price for that. A horrible nagging voice tells him that she will never forgive him, that he will die in the cold without having the chance to hold her in his arms one last time, to kiss her farewell, to make love to her and not run away before she wakes. That voice has been speaking to him ever since he noticed the first signs of getting sick. It was not as loud then as it is now and Erik wishes he would not believe it. He wishes he would be convinced that he will have another chance, a start from new even. He'd do anything to make this right.

Just as Kathrine reaches the busy street, the woman calls after her,

'' Miss! You forgot money in the pocket! ''

'' Nope, I didn't. '' Kathrine answers, loud enough for the woman to hear before quickly walking around the corner. Erik feels his lips turning into a gentle smile. Kathrine might have many mistakes but her heart is good.

* * *

Kathrine is not making any more stops in between. After leaving the small alley she goes straight for her apartment. Every time she leaves his sight, Erik fears she might take more of the substances she has collected. He fears that she accidentally takes too many and collapses without him being aware of all that. So as he watches her stepping back into his sight in different clothing and disappears in the direction where he remembers her bed, Erik breathes out when he sees the lights in the apartment shutting off. She is asleep at last.

He looks around but settles down on the fire ladder again and wraps his coat a little tighter around his body as he leans back. Every bone in his body is aching, his head is dizzy, his body both extremely hot and cold at the same time. It was only a matter of time until he catches something but that doesn't matter. Because there is no place where he can go, not while Kathrine is right here. If Kathrine will not forgive him, he has no reason to live anyway. Without her he would fall back into that horrible loneliness and die a slow, painful death day after day. Kathrine brought light into his life. As long as she was with him, the shadows would not dare come close to him. Kathrine has no idea how often she already saved him. How can he go back without her by his side?

In those 3 months Erik has not played the organ once, neither has he written anything down. He did not check on his Opera or make sure rehearsals are going well. There was pain all through his life but it has never once been this bad. For the first time he had the chance to be truly happy and he ruined it. Knowing that there was no place for him in the world felt terrible. Knowing there was someone that accepted and loved him but left him felt worse. Knowing that all of this is his own fault, is too much too bear. Every book was causing immense frustration to broil up inside him because he would not stop imagining Kathrine walking into the room, taking the book away from him and demanding his attention because she feels bored.

He tried to drown his sorrows in alcohol but soon chose to not touch that liquid for now. Each time he would be a little tipsy, Erik was either fantasizing more about Kathrine, or he would think up ways to kill himself. He could drink himself to death, he could hang himself or cut open his veins, he could shoot himself. There were several possibilities to once and for all put an end to his miserable would be the best for everyone. Kathrine would not have to turn to drugs just to deal with the pain he caused, she would be taking out attractive young men and women who give her what she needs without having to deal with the baggage of her partner. She could focus on her therapy and on having fun. Madam Giry would have an easier life because he would make sure she receives all the money he possesses. Meg would have the chance to visit a good school, Madam could retire early and finally enjoy some time in peace. She spent almost all of her life with helping him out, teaching him, hiding him, risking her life and her freedom for him. The Managers will be able to take whatever play they approve of, cast Carlotta for every Soprano role… and lead the Opera into its doom.

Erik leans his head against the icy metal of the ladder, he could just sit here and wait for death to come and take him. But everything inside of him yearns for her forgiveness. Yearns for her to embrace him once again, swear her love to him and kiss him without ever fearing what others might think of her. Kathrine never was ashamed of him, she would proudly stand up for him, aid him in situations like the one at the Masquerade Ball with her wit. For just a moment longer than intended Erik wonders if Kathrine would spend one last day with him if he'd tell her he will end his life the next day. One last day with his beloved, everything as it is supposed to be. She is a talented actress, she would be perfectly capable to pretend for one last day that everything would be alright. That she loves him even with that hideous defect. He wants to hear her sing one last time, dance with her to music of both of their worlds. He wishes he could turn back time and stop himself from ever leaving her.

Erik breathes out, his breathe forming a thick cloud and upon seeing this, Erik realizes how badly his body is shaking from the cold. If Kathrine would agree to give him this last day he could hold her close with a blanket spread across them. They would talk or sing, he would sing the Music of the Night to her. Erik smiles, Kathrine loves that song. He sang it to her many times as they were together. Or was that made up as well? He is not sure what memories to trust and which not any longer.

If he grows sicker and sicker until he is about to die, he will visit Kathrine a last time and ask her for one last kiss before he parts from this world. Another part of Erik feels the constant urge to try once again. To wait in front of her door until she opens and at least allows him to explain everything. Kathrine has proven that her heart is full with kindness and forgiveness. Perhaps she could forgive him again, perhaps there is a future for the both of them. One like they imagined it to be.

Erik allows his eyes to close as a sudden wave of extreme exhaustion washes over him. If Kathrine will not forgive him, he has no reason to live on anyway. Perhaps catching an infection would be for the best. Kathrine is kind, she would grant him his dying wish.

* * *

Erik follows her a little more watchful than usual as she leaves her home in a very provocative outfit that has Erik flushing just from looking at her. With Kathrine looking this attractive he has to be even more alerted to everything around them. There might be someone following her, or someone could have the intention to hurt her, rape her. Kathrine is capable to defend herself but if she is surprised even a person without any fighting experience could get a hold of her. Just like the Inspecteur did.

Erik can't say how many times he asks himself just what is her intended goal dressed like this in the middle of the day. Is she going to meet a client? Is this an Escort job? Will Erik witness how Kathrine pleasures someone in a dark alley or in some greasy motel room before getting payed for her service? Right now there are many emotions rushing through Erik. He cannot guarantee that he will be capable to remain calm should he see Kathrine with another man. Or with a woman, for that matter. Kathrine would never forgive him if he beats her 'client' to a pulp or kills him. But whoever is seeing her as a mere object they can use however they please just because they are paying her doesn't deserve any better.

Kathrine obviously is aiming for a noble restaurant that is completely different from what Erik was expecting. He was expecting some cheap, dirty little local, not something this expensive. Erik follows Kathrine whose steps suddenly become a beat faster. Erik narrows his eyes. The way she bounces with every step, the sudden faster pace, the extremely attractive attire. Is Kathrine excited for this person? Is it someone she already knows?

Before Erik has the chance to worry about anything more, he watches with wide eyes how Kathrine suddenly is being pulled into an alley. As fast as his legs allow him to, Erik runs around the building to enter the alley from the back. There are many trash bins he can hide behind while still being close enough to hear everything perfectly fine that is going on. Erik will kill that man if he hurts her, he will rip that insect apart. Kathrine might hate him but at least she will be safe and sound.

But Kathrine does not seem bothered or uncomfortable in any way. Not even the fact that the man is holding her close to him and leans down to have their faces too close for Erik's liking. The man has one hand on her upper arm and the other covers her mouth. They look at each other but for a while no one says a word. The man is tall, his hair almost completely cut off but Erik still sees that the man's hair has a dirty blonde color. He is dressed as noble as Kathrine, their dressing choices are quite compatible with each other, as if they previously talked about their cloths. The man's ocean-blue eyes suddenly narrow and a satisfied, arrogant smirk comes to his lips. Then suddenly Kathrine wraps her arms around the man's neck while the man pushes her back into the wall. Erik feels sick as he watches them share a long passionate kiss. He wants to rip the man's arms right off his body and beat him to death with them. Erik felt jealous before but nothing compares to this burning rage flooding his whole body.

Erik grits his teeth as the man moves from Kathrine's lips to her throat, caressing and kissing her skin. Kathrine appears to love every second of it, she drops her head back into her neck and gasps softly.

'' Did you miss me Baby? '' Erik sticks his tongue out. If he could, he'd love to throw up all over that man right now. Kathrine leans back into the wall relaxed but with a confident smirk on her lips,

'' A really pleasant surprise… but weren't you supposed to come back last month already? '' She raises an eyebrow as he suddenly offers her a small casket completely wrapped up in blue velvet. Kathrine's arrogance abruptly changes into pure amazement as the man opens the casket and reveals what is inside. Erik cannot see much but it must be some kind of necklace. As Kathrine turns her back to the man and looks at him over her shoulder, the intruder reveals the present to Erik and he was right, it is a necklace. If this is what it looks like then this necklace is full with small diamonds and a shining ruby in the middle. Erik never saw a necklace like this, he has to admit that is is astonishing. And it suits Kathrine perfectly. For just a second Erik allows himself to just look at her beauty that is now framed beautifully by the shining diamonds. If only that pest wasn't next to her.

'' I let that pass as your apology for being a month late. '' She presses another chase kiss to his lips and he responds with pressing a kiss to the back of her hand and Erik cannot even measure his desire to vomit his entire body onto that dirty little bastard's expensive suit. The man offers another charming smile but there's something in his eyes that causes Erik to watch this whole thing very carefully.

'' It belonged to a… partner. -His wife, actually. They both had a tragic accident two weeks ago, a real shame. I saw the necklace right before they died and abruptly had to think about you. I missed you Baby Girl...'' The man shrugs with that same shimmer of danger flashing in his eyes but Kathrine obviously is not at all worried by the man who just vaguely confessed killing two people before robbing their corpses. The opposite even, Kathrine's voice drops to a purr that sends shivers down Erik's back. Not long ago and these noises were his. Only meant for his ears. His angel smirks up at the man, she seems extremely pleased and Erik feels the sudden urge to bite into the trash container.

'' You're a bad man, Daddy...'' Erik looses every facial expression as his mouth drops open in a mix of confuse and disgust. Did Kathrine just call that man 'Daddy'? The man hums and his hand moves to the right back-pocket. He grins down at her, Erik growls, his hands grasping the metal even tighter,

 _Ne lui souris pas…Toi dégoûtant bâtard. (Don't grin at her… You disgusting bastard)_

'' Am I? ... _Ah_. Of course, you're missing your payment. '' Erik's eyes widen as the man hands her a rather big envelope. Kathrine tucks it into the pocket of her coat absently and allows the man to slowly push her into the wall once more to ravish her lips and Erik needs to bash his head into the damn brick wall quickly or else he will completely snap. Snap that disgusting bastard's neck. Kathrine said she will not be returning to that dreadful job, that she would never again pleasure someone else for money. She swore to him she won't do it again. She swore. How can she do this now? How can she allow this man to kiss her so passionately? Is there not even a tiny bit inside her that feels as if she is betraying him? Erik shakes his head again. He left her, he should have seen it coming that his little whore soon finds another man to entertain her. The moment Erik thought about her as a whore he regrets it. This is entirely his fault. None of them would be here now if Erik just had shown some damn courage and stopped her before she could leave.

'' I already have a table for two in a very nice restaurant waiting for us. And later you can show Daddy how much you missed him in your favorite room with the large windows offering the nice view. '' As Erik hears them finally using their mouths for talking, Erik peeks around the container again.

'' I love that plan…'' Kathrine smirks approvingly and Erik abruptly spots the hint of seduction in her eyes, the way she flutters her lashes invitingly. She is clearly moving her body purposefully exactly the way she has to, to drive any man crazy with desire. Erik bites the inside of his cheek until he tastes blood but he could not care any less for that. He wants to rip this man apart. He wants to go and burn down an entire city. He wants to beat that slimy little bastard until he is only a mushy heap of blood, organs and broken bones. To not run after them and kill that man before they leave the alley is the hardest test he ever faced.

 _If there is any God somewhere out there… please run that Italian bastard over with the biggest car you have..._

* * *

He can see Kathrine and that man that night. The hotel they disappeared in after they had dinner offers large windows that clearly were made to offer someone a clear view on its inhabitants. And every second Erik watches the two of them enjoying the other's company feels like he would fall deeper and deeper into his self-loathing. Watching that man touching and claiming _his_ Kathrine makes him furious and it makes him sick but he can't take his eyes off of them. No matter how brutal this might be, it is what he deserves. This is his punishment for hurting this perfect woman. She was ready to stay with him even though she clearly is capable to find much more attractive men, she was ready to give up her life here despite the impressive number of friends that he has seen yet. Of course he hasn't even seen her family yet. Kathrine mentioned how she usually visits her mother quite often but she did not do so yet.

At some point Erik has to turn away because he fears that watching this ongoing thing just one more second will have him completely lose it and then he will march up into that room and tear the man apart with his bare hands. He is so full of watching Kathrine flirt and sleep with other people. A roar of anger rips from his lungs and quickly Erik punches the brick wall until the pain numbs some of his anger and his knuckles are swollen and bleeding. Erik drops down to his knees and holds his aching hands into the snow. With the pain slowly numbed from the cold, the rage returns and Erik feels caught inside a blood rush. He cannot remember ever feeling such controlling anger, not like this. This is completely taking control of him and despite his knuckles already being swollen he starts punching the wall again as hard as he can. Some of the wall breaks along with his knuckle but Erik is not done yet. He needs to do something to get rid of this anger. He needs to think about something else than Kathrine and that man. Suddenly he remembers something Kathrine told him and it's almost enough to get him back on level 200:

Kathrine always said that there was never just a single person that she met twice, whose name she wanted to remember. But this man was familiar to her. She knows his name, he heard her calling him by it once instead of saying 'Daddy' -which still slightly disturbs Erik if he is quite honest about this but not even that can withstand the anger for long. He glares back up to the window and sees Kathrine pressed face-first against the glass, her hands palms down on the window and one leg lifted to allow that man better access to something that should be private property of Erik! Erik! Not _Omar_. Omar. Omar.

 _Omar. Omarrr… I am so close to vomiting all over the floor. Omar surely is enjoying my Kathrine and her experienced body. Omar certainly has a nice time. Omar... Sounds like the German word for Grandmother._

Erik grits his teeth, paces the alley in the attempt to make sense of this and to somehow get rid of this unbearable rage inside him.

 _She knows him. Why? What is so fascinating about him? What causes her interest in this man? There has to be something that makes him special. Kathrine is not interested in simple, as she told me so easily just 3 months before she started whoring around once again! Of course she sells her body again! Of course her swear was a lie! How could I ever trust someone that had enough strangers in her to earn the title London's Whore!_

Erik hits the brick wall again and his next knuckle breaks. It is almost funny. He spent so much time ensuring she is perfectly comfortable everywhere. He refused to use her body because he was convinced she might get seriously injured if he allows himself to just do what he has fantasied about. Now he realizes how Kathrine obviously wants to be treated. Like the whore she is. Erik could have just taken what he wanted the first time he felt that desire in him with her face attached to it. She would have enjoyed it because that's what every good whore does, right? They enjoy whatever they are getting payed for. And Kathrine is the kind of woman that is not only working as a whore, she is one in private as well. Erik could have ordered her to stay naked and she would have obeyed because that is exactly the way Kathrine wants to be used. She even told him and her friends that she wouldn't mind Erik 'fucking her senseless' but Erik was too concerned for her well-being. He regrets that now. Who knows, she might not want to see him privately but if he pays her she surely will do whatever he wants.

* * *

The man escorts Kathrine to her apartment and they share another long passionate kiss. They spent many hours in that hotel what gave Erik more than enough time to calm down. As soon as he came back to his senses, as she rage stopped burning him from the inside, he sank to the ground. Completely numb with shame and disgust at himself he sat by that wall until Kathrine and Omar came back out, arm in arm and both obviously very satisfied. They laugh most of the way to Kathrine's apartment but Erik is too tired to listen to them. All he wants to do right now is dig a deep hole to bury himself in alive. Erik climbs onto the ladder unnoticed once more but he barely glances at the two people who are still giggling and chuckling and laughing loudly every few seconds. IT sends another flash of jealousy right through him. He and Kathrine were laughing a lot together as well but they never shared so many loud laughter. With a small glare at the couple he leans back against the grid, barely flinching from the coldness.

'' He can't be that funny… She certainly is not _that_ funny. '' He grumbles before realizing he is acting like a bratty teenager and with another sigh he is burying his face in his hands,

That certainly is the lowest low I have reached so far. I can be proud on myself. I leave one of the most attractive. interesting women this world has seen without a note and complain about her moving on while I sit in some alley and stalk her.

'' She really is that funny… She saw him more than once, she must love him then. Their relationship seems a lot healthier than ours did… maybe this is for the best...'' He mutters as he glances at Kathrine fondly. He loves her and if she loves that man, maybe Erik should move on as well. He could go back to the Opera and try himself on being a human director instead of a ghostly one. He will always have her in his mind and he will paint her until there is no paper in the whole of France.

Another laughter, this one soft and sweet and Erik feels a painful smile tugging on his lips. Who is he trying to fool here? He could never leave her. He could never forget her. His body is already beginning to show symptoms of an infect, perhaps he doesn't have to see her with someone else for long.

Erik glances at the couple again, only to find Omar kissing Kathrine's hand another time and Erik closes his eyes, focused only on their voices. If he tries really hard he might be able to understand. This kiss was Omar's greeting, surely it is not meant to be a farewell?

'' Well I have to be in Brazil tomorrow evening, I will call you as soon as I know when I'm going to return. ''

'' Any vague idea? ''

'' It might take a few months until I am done with the job. Perhaps I will have a weekend off in between but I am not making any promises or you will hold it against me like you did tonight. '' He raises an eyebrow at her and Kathrine pushes him playfully,

'' Hey you are a month late, don't push this on me. ''

'' I also apologized. Now, be a good Baby girl and don't have too much fun without me. ''

'' Same. ''

'' You know there is no one more compatible to me than you. But you love hearing that, don't you? ''

'' Yeah a little. See ya Daddy. '' They kiss briefly and go then their separate ways. Erik repeats what he heard in his head again. Did he understand everything correctly? Is that Italian idiot actually leaving for several months? The relaxed state they both where in lets on that this is happening more often. Which means that man is only coming by for a very short visit in between long traveling? They were talking about compatibility but they were wishing each other fun -if not too much with someone else- while they are separated.

Erik leans back against the grid again, his eyes closing to allow himself to solely focus on what he just heard. His head is a little dizzy and the stabbing in his left temple he completely ignored as soon as Kathrine left the house this evening is back but there is a special motivation keeping his focus sharp right now. If he understands all of that correctly, and of course he is only speculating, but the way he understood this small conversation lets on that they are not sharing much of an emotional bond. They are enjoying each other sexually, which is surely everything but pleasant to Erik but it is certainly much better than the thought that Kathrine might love someone else than him. Until today he was telling himself that he is the first person she ever loved, that this might be enough for her to at least listen to his explanation and his apology. At least he realized that as he started to believe Kathrine might have lied to him but now that he is more or less convinced that they are not in love with each other, he might be have a chance to win her back.

Erik winces, the stabbing pain is now in both his temples and it is more persistent than it has been this morning. He massages his temples carefully. With a quick glance to Kathrine's apartment he sees that the lights are already shut off and Erik takes that as his silent okay to sleep a few hours as well. Perhaps he will feel a little better if he has a good night of sleep…

* * *

Within the following 2 days Erik's condition becomes worse and worse. His body will suddenly start to shake violently, his vision goes blurry, every bone in his body is burning up or feels as if it was broken. He feels cold and hot at the same time. He knows he has to find a warm place, has to eat and rest, take something to help beat the fever. But he is not willing to find somewhere he can get help, not while Kathrine is being this self-destructive. He will wait for the fever to cling down, fully knowing that if it won't go away by itself, it will beat him. But a part of him still has not given up the hope that Kathrine might grant him one last day if it is his dying wish. But his natural survival-instinct is strong and it is demanding him to do something. Without that instinct he would probably long be dead by now. It saved him so many times in the past, made him get to his feet when he was sure he could not even move a finger any longer. He always cherished that part of him that refused to give up even though it seemed to be a logical solution. Erik is not interested in dying… This is the first time he might actually welcome the idea to give up.

He found water and stole a few fruits while Kathrine was doing her own shopping. The fruits were incredibly easy to take. They were unguarded outside of the local, presented in wooden boxes. The street was busy, no one noticed him taking as many fruits as he could. And if somebody did, they did not bother to call the police. He even found an abandoned coat that is a lot warmer than it looks. But even that extra warmth will not be of any use. It is too late to solve this problem with warmer cloths.

* * *

3 more days passed and by now he does not even feel hungry or thirsty any longer. The last time he ate was two days ago, two apples and a banana. By far not enough to sate him but it was enough to ensure he will still be able to get to his feet and follow Kathrine through the city. She was fighting again but this time her opponents did not land a single hit. They never got to touch her. She made a show to satisfy the people cheering for her but it was very clear that Kathrine could have taken each of them out with a single blow. One kick, one tiny little bit of her wonderful mind and the fights would have been over. But the longer it takes, the more bets are placed and the more interesting she made it, the more tip she had by the end of the night.

Nobody noticed Erik on that ladder yet. Not the strangers passing by below him, not the people that live in the house that the ladder is attached to, not even his lovely Kathrine. The small spot he hides in warmed up slightly from the heat of his body. He knows his body is hot, but he feels so cold. He feels horrible, horrible and lonely. Lonely all over again. He was so certain that he would never have to feel this way again as Kathrine said she would stay with him and agreed to their engagement. He was convinced that his life would be perfect from that moment on.

His mind is fuzzy, focusing on anything happening around him turned into an almost impossible task. But he can clearly remember how happy he felt whenever she gifted him a smile. How honored he felt as she openly kissed him in the middle of the stage, right in front of all these people even though he was facing the crowd with his mask. Her first kiss was an answer to his proposal, the second kiss had no other reason but his desire to feel her lips on his once again. Never before in his entire life has he felt this extraordinary happiness. To that time as he stood beside Kathrine on the stage, he knew he has finally realized what his destiny was. It was to be with her, wherever Kathrine wants to be. He would have bought them a nice house outside the city if that would have been her wish but he cannot deny that he felt release about her wish to stay below the Opera. It is his prison now but with Kathrine it was a home full of warmth, love and laughter. Furthermore is it much easier for Erik to keep an eye on his Opera from there. Who knows, perhaps he would have had the chance to sing with Kathrine on the stage again at some point. Perhaps he could lead the Opera without having to stay hidden. He could discuss the orchestra with Monsieur Reyer in the middle of the stage, correct the ballet or the actors mistakes right away. After all the time he was forced to communicate through notes, the idea of simple interacting is exciting.

His destiny was to care for Kathrine and make her happy every day for the rest of her life. But he destroyed it all. Not only his heart is broken, she is hurt as well and he was too stubborn and too insecure to realize that. It is almost funny that the fever helps him realize that issue. Everything that happened, all the suffering and the tears, all the bruises and the anger, all of that is entirely his fault. He deserves to feel this way. He deserves it all.

* * *

Yesterday Kathrine had guests. They woke him from his troubled slumber in the middle of the day. He cannot remember if he was awake before or when he fell asleep in the first place but in the end it doesn't really matter.

They came in a large, white metal-coffin. A car, just a lot bigger with more space. Two men jumped out of the car and carried another man into Kathrine's home quickly but carefully. The man was hurt, his upper leg was bleeding badly, wounds that almost look as if they were caused by a gun. Or at least something similar to that. He was too far away to say anything more detailed. Through the window he could faintly see Kathrine grabbing several items in complete peace. There not a single muscle in her body tensed in worry or in the same anxious adrenaline the two men were in. Kathrine remains calm, she actually does not even seem especially interested in the situation or the pain the wounded man must be in. Of course there is the possibility that Kathrine only pretended to be calm to not cause even more trouble, to comfort the man that was hurt and his friends. But to be quite blunt, Erik thinks that the reason she was so extremely calm is either because she was high or because she is already used to situations like this one. Perhaps even both. As Erik was wounded and a bullet pierced a gash into his shoulder Kathrine was confident as well. Despite the messy condition the ripped skin was in, Kathrine's stitches were neat and precise. She must have already done this a few times then. Kathrine is storing drugs and tons of alcohol in her apartment, she is working as an escort, takes home whoever she wants -and now it turns out she is connected to people that happen to be shot at once in a while. What other secrets is Kathrine hiding? Surely there are more, Erik would even go as far to pledge that there is another chest full with secrets just waiting to be discovered. Erik only hopes that Kathrine will not have to face any unpleasant consequences somewhere in the future.

One of the men that carried the injured into Kathrine's apartment walks up behind her. He looks awfully distressed as he seems to be explaining something to her that Erik naturally cannot understand from the distance. Kathrine soothed him, quite effectively so. After a little playful tugging on the man's clothing here and there and a few words combined with a thumps up, the man looks a lot more relaxed. Perhaps they are friends. One thing Erik noticed while he was following her is that Kathrine does have a lot of friends, or at least she has a lot of people that appear to be her friends. She kissed some or hugged them. With others she spent at least 2 minutes doing some kind of handshake-clapping ritual which is with and without fever quite irritating.

The 3 men left her apartment a few hours later and for a short moment Erik could not help himself but feel furious. Not because they tried to touch his Kathrine or because they were disrespectful to her, it was not because they did any harm to her either. He was _jealous,_ _b_ ecause they could spend as much time with her as they wanted. They left in the same car they arrived in, the white larger one. Soon after they were gone Erik threw up in the corner because his sudden wave of anger was too much for his body to bear. He needs a while to regain control of his body and enough consciousness to crawl back to his corner and curl up in it. He tries to stay awake by once more analyzing his surroundings a little. There are many things that fascinate him about this world, even though he would be unable to name most of the things people use as their standard utensils. He understands how a laptop and a phone work because Kathrine taught him but that is about all he could operate. Cars are definitely one of the things Erik is extremely fascinated about even though he barely understands what a car is. Of course it is the modern form of a carriage.

 _Did Madam Giry not tell me that her husband was killed by a car?_

Erik looks at the different variations once again. He can easily imagine that these metal monsters could kill a person if they hit them with a bit more speed. Nevertheless they fascinate him and he wishes he could learn more about them. About cars and everything else in this world.

However fascinating everything in this world might be, he catches himself missing the simple ways of his world. The soft clatter of hooves on the pavement, the attention people pay to each other, the way people will suddenly interact with each other even though they never met before. There is a lot of gossiping, of course, but at least they talk to each other. They don't stare at the display of their phones and walk through the street like zombies.

This world is beautiful and full with magic that no one seems to have any interest in. They are so captured by their technology and their cars and whatever else there is, that they completely forget to stop and admire the world around them. It disgusts him how little people care for their surroundings.

Erik wishes to find out more but even more he wants to go home with Kathrine. He will hold on to her and never let her go again. He would give her roses every single day and make sure she has everything her heart desires. He would sacrifice everything to be gifted with one last chance.

But if things continue the way they are, he fears that she might never return with him. Let alone talk to him. Let alone look at him. Will she even think about him? If he's dead and his body is being disposed of, will she ever give him another thought? Or will she just finally enjoy her life the way she deserves to?

* * *

The cough that forces itself from his lungs sends a violent stabbing pain through his whole body. Again he is horribly reminded that his body is defeated. Every smallest movement of his limbs hurts.

But he cannot bring himself to leave Kathrine all to herself. He likes to imagine that his mere presence, even if it is so far away, is enough to make her feel better. To keep her away from another stranger's bed. To keep her away from this horrible place where she is so brutally harmed. God, he wishes he could hold her. Gently press her body close to his and tell her how much he loves and adores her. How sorry he is. He wants to kiss her, feel her soft lips on his again. Taste that indescribable flavor of her mouth. The first time she kissed him in the chapel will always be burned into his mind like a miracle too unbelievable to be real- only that it was real. How she asked him in worry if she hurt him as she tried to find out what he looked like just by touching him, before expressing her gratitude in the most wonderful way he can imagine. He can still remember how her scent surrounded his senses as she was so close to him, how warm her skin felt on his.

The day he managed to make her so very happy with the cake he baked for her, to celebrate her success. The faint taste of chocolate that was left on his lips after she kissed him so briefly, he had to make sure he did not make it up entirely.

The first real kiss they shared under these horrible circumstances as he forced her to decide between him and the scholar. As she slowly walked up to him in the water, her voice soothing his raging soul with promises of love and trust. The sweet moment her lips touched his. God, he can still remember every second of it. He can remember how his mind was unable to act rationally so that only rage controlled him. And she beat him into place, woke him from his mania in an unpleasant but necessary way. The anger in her voice as she yelled at him, the tears in them as she sunk to her knees before him, begged him to stop.

His favorite kiss, though, will always be the one they shared on the stage right after he proposed to her. Her form of a 'yes'. The shadow of fear in her eyes as he put the ring on her finger that was drowned in undeniable love so suddenly. The way she quickly leaned up to him, so eager to finally allow their lips to meet in a real kiss. The cheering crowd behind him was drowned under the sound of his loudly beating heart. She kissed him right in front of so many people, showed everyone that she returns his feeling. Even though he stood before her as the Phantom, even tough everyone could see his mask and knew who she was kissing. She did not care. He can remember the faint tremor of happiness in her body. He did not know where he should put his hands, much like before as she kissed him in their home. Until his arms wrapped around her waist on their own so that he could twirl her in his overwhelming joy. He knew where to put his hands as she kissed him only minutes later. He knew where to put his hand every time they kissed from then on.

He silently scolds himself as his mind is wandering to places it should not go. After what he did he has no right to ever imagine her like that again. But his resistance is weak, his longing to think back to that night too strong. That night where they became one. His heart begins to beat in his chest as he thinks about how good her skin felt against his. How perfect it felt under his fingertips. And the taste. God, the taste of her skin, her mouth, her folds. The boundless trust they had in each other as she let him explore her body, taste and feel it. The curiosity and the desire for her body will probably never truly be sated. Her cheeks were flushed, her voice raspy with lust, her body so hot. It was like their night never passed, like they spend hours in the sheets even though it was not that long. He longs to feel her like this again. He remembers the smell of her hair as she slept with her head on his chest that night. Her naked body cuddling up against his. How comfortable he was until his fears suddenly consumed him and forced the pleasure entirely from his mind. He longs for another chance to give this scenery a perfect ending.

Erik's eyes follow Kathrine as she exercises. It is the exact same procedure as it has been in their home, first the gymnastic and then the fighting. She is flinching every now and then if a movement strains her still bruised body. She can take as much morphine as she wants but there will always be a little pain, especially if she chooses to do the exact opposite of resting.

'' _Kathrine_ …'' His eyes close as he passes out against the cold metal of the ladder.

* * *

Over the past week she did her best trying to forget what might have happened to Erik after she sent him away. She numbed her mind and body with alcohol, tried to forget the pain in her heart that his visit brought back up with morphine and swallowed Valium to ensure she will sleep without waking up in the middle of the night and cry her heart out. She was so good at forgetting. Yes, her hobbies became more dangerous, she is visiting those fights more than before and every muscle in her body is sore and her ribs are killing her, but it worked. The morphine she took against the pain in combination with the alcohol fogged her mind in a way that she almost could forget everything that happened.

But of course Nathan had to pass her up, to hold it against her. To scream at her, scold her for trying to find something that can overpower the pain in her heart. He blames her love sickness for her self-destruction. She's realistic enough to admit that he is right but she would never admit it out loud.

She didn't call her mother in the past week, despite her promise to do so. Yes, her heart is shattered, so is her mind. So is about everything in her body. The only reason she could beat that bloody copy-cat motherfucker was because she got to learn something that was supposed to push back her blackouts so they wouldn't affect her anymore. Doesn't do shit. But it allows her to block the part of her brain that is responsible for pain for a while. She learned it in Tibet, in a monastery. Was actually kinda funny how scared Rick suddenly was, as if she's actually some magician.

So yeah, she destroys herself. But who cares? What does it matter? She was ill before she met Erik, she was on medications before him. She fought strangers in dangerous battles before Erik. She had sex before Erik too, though. Since she's back here she can't bring herself to have one night stands like she used to. Instead of enjoying them, she feels as if she's betraying Erik. Walking up to someone and going home with them feels wrong, getting out of her cloths and fucking around feels like a bloody betrayal. Omar was the only one that made her forget Erik, if only for a couple of hours. It was a nice change.

As the bad feeling came up the first time, she thought that it's only because he was the first after Erik. She thought she might feel better with women. But she felt even worse after the night with the girl whose name she forgot by the time the blonde curled up beside her. Bleached-blonde was satisfied and fast asleep, Kat was staring at the ceiling and wondered why she has to feel this way. Why. Why did Erik leave her?

And then there was that second girl she picked up in a bar. She fled from her apartment the moment the ginger fell asleep. She went home, smoked a joint and a couple of cigarettes on the way. As soon as the door to her apartment was closed behind her, she locket herself away once again. She was crying her heart out, cursing the man she is still so bloody in love with. That is the real reason she can't sleep with strangers anymore. It feels like she's cheating on him. But she's not. They're not together anymore. He left her without a note and didn't come back, didn't answer, didn't do a damn thing to stop her. That's a pretty clear message. Whatever reason he had to go, if it was some bullshit insecurity or whatever else he could think of, she doesn't care. He left. She waited for him several days, begged him to come back, to come with her to England -and he didn't answer her. He was probably watching her going crazy and that's making everything even worse. He saw what happened and didn't do a thing. She shouldn't feel bad, she should enjoy it. But she can't. And that's okay. At some point she will have forgotten about Erik and then she can catch up on what she missed. That's how it works when a relationship breaks, right? At first there's the depression and the anger, the tears and that horrible feeling that there will never again be someone else. But then it's becoming less and less and people go back to the way they were before. She can do that. She doesn't need him. She doesn't.

* * *

Her feet move on their own, her eyes averted to the ground to watch her feet moving. A couple of shots and tiny bit of cocaine to get herself going she finally went to visit her mother. They talked for a couple of hours and Kat actually managed to relax and laugh. She loves how her mum's not giving her this bloody pity-tour that she is always again confronted with lately. How she didn't even mention Erik once. They ordered a pizza, watched a movie and just chatted about the most silly things. They did that a lot as she still lived at home but after her hobby with the fighting became a bit more important part in her life and she realized that sex with strangers is actually helping her cope with stress, she thought that moving out might be the best course of action.

Her hand moves to the large pockets of her warm jacket to fumble for her keys. A sudden sneeze close to her has her stopping abruptly. She turns to where the noise was coming from, the corner she just walked around.

'' You're there aren't you. '' Her voice isn't exactly loud or offering much emotion. Her whole body suddenly turned empty, no emotions, nothing. For a long time she is met with silence but she knows he's there. Even though it was just a sneeze, she would recognize his voice everywhere. The first feeling that returns is the urge to groan at her stupidity. How could she actually believe that he really leaves her just because she tells him to go to hell? The guy's an obsessed Stalker, she was discovering that pretty early. Of course he would follow her.

 _Dumb Kat… real dumb._

''...No. '' The smallest smile comes to her lips as she titles her head in amusement. The aching in her heart becomes more nasty at the sound of his voice but at the same time this warm feeling of love consumes her. And the fact that he caught a cold while spying after her is actually really funny. She still loves him so much, of course she does. That intense feeling doesn't just disappear over night, not even after everything he's done. She's angry at him and very willing to smack him stupid. But that doesn't change the fact that the emotion is there.

She puts her hands in her hips, ready to ask him if he's waiting for an invitation to finally come out of his hiding but then she hears the faintest sound of feet shuffling over the ground. She wants to scold him for following her, for being still here after she clearly told him to go to hell… but the moment he looks up to her, all anger is blown away and she quickly walks a couple of steps towards him. His face is pale, his forehead covered in sweat and his body shaking badly. His mask is still in the right position and his wig is as well. But the hair on it is messier than usual. There's also a pretty torn jacket covering his torso a but, he must have found it somewhere.

Suddenly an idea pops up in her head that actually scares her a little:

'' Erik… how long are you out here already? ''

'' Since you told me to leave. ''

'' Since I- '' Her eyes widen as she looks him over again. There's noting that hints on him having anything warmer than just the things he's wearing now. There's pools freezing in the night, a mate of hers told her he found a squirrel frozen to the ground two days ago. Even with that extra jacket it's suicidal to stay outside for a whole week.

'' You followed me for a whole week?! Erik it's colder than an Eskimo's ass out here and you're not even _close_ to dressed warm enough! '' He looks at her like she just kicked a puppy. Or him. Honestly, he's the puppy. He looks at her like she kicked him. Granted, she plays with the thought to hit him over the head until there's some sense in him but right now she's afraid the next blow of wind will knock him over. Her fist would kill him.

'' I had to make sure you are well… But I failed to protect you as I wanted to… You were hurt terribly in that fight and you slept with another man and you were taking drugs and I… just couldn't do anything to stop it…- '' He breaks off as tears well up in his eyes. His voice is slurred, looks like he's in a feverish haze. Her heart wrenches painfully in her chest. He had no idea that he followed her. He was watching her and Omar? He saw her in the arena? He wasn't supposed to see that. The fighting, okay, she was halfway expecting him to come along anyway. If everything would have gone as planned and he would have joined her, she would have told Omar that she's in a relationship and they had put their little fling on ice. Kat opens her mouth to say something but he interrupts her, his eyes are pointed at her but she's not sure how much he's able to focus right now. He's blinking more than usual, his circulation is probably being a bitch.

'' Kathrine I am so sorry… Please give allow me to explain myself to you. I know there is nothing I can say to justify my actions but at least you shall know the truth. I love you so very much I- '' He breaks off again, this time not because of tears. Kat's eyes widen as she sees how his small swaying suddenly becomes worse. She quickly closes the gap between them, her hands reaching out for him but he's already narrowing his eyes as they move to the ground,

'' I… think I have to lie down- '' He doesn't get the chance to finish his sentence before his body collapses. She catches him before he can fall to the ground but the weight of his body and the still bruised state her ribs and back are in right now forces her to her knees. She grits her teeth, she won't be able to use that small trick from the fight again this soon. It's not exactly simple to reach that state of mind you need to reach to block the pain. Doing it too many times could cause a permanent damage to her brain. But as she looks down at Erik panting and sees his face soon expressing pain she considers taking that risk.

'' Damn...'' She mutters to herself. She won't take the risk, she can get him up into her apartment without that. Chances that the one rib that got a small crack breaks from the strain that'll be put on it if she carries him up are high but she can deal with that later.

'' Erik don't fall asleep now. You have to do something for me first, okay? Open your eyes. Erik look at me. '' She watches how his eyes open just wide enough to look at her. She smiles down at him, barely able to hold back the tremor in her voice. Now she's the one who feels tears in her eye. He wouldn't be in that state if she had considered him stalking her sooner. Erik's eyes lost their sparkle, his skin is covered in sweat and dirt. His lips part in the attempt to say something but he's too weak. Her hand moves from his chest to his face to caress his cheek,

'' That's good, perfect. You're doing great handsome. Now put your arm around my shoulder, we have to get you to your feet. '' Again he follows her plead and forces himself to his feet even though she can see how weak he is. He must be in a lot of pain, he's burning up. A fever at that rate could be deadly. She bites her lip as she leads him slowly to the front door. Her grip on his arm around her shoulder tightens as her other hand releases him to once more fumble for her keys and open the door. She honestly never was this thankful for an elevator. He winces as the thing starts to move upwards but he's not commenting.

''…Where are we going…'' He asks as the elevator stops and its doors open to reveal her floor. She tights her grip on him and they set moving again.

'' To my flat. I'm gonna get you warmed up and give you something to eat. '' Her rib is sending clear warning signals but Kat will be damned to just let go now. She can take the pain, most of it is still numbed anyway and she can get rid of the rest as soon as Erik's taken care of.

''…You allow me in your home? ''

'' Of course I do…'' He doesn't say anything but that doesn't stop her heart from pulling together even more. It feels like an eternity passed until she finally has him in front of the door to her apartment. After getting both of them in and kicking the door close she helps him to her bed. He sits on the edge, swaying forwards and backwards as if someone rocks him.

'' Don't lie down yet, we have to get you outa those cloths quick. ''

'' How can you think about undressing me now… this is not the right time…'' She stops in her movements and closes her eyes for a second,

'' Billions of people on the goddamn planet and I get _him_. '' She mutters and shakes her head.

'' I'm not going to seduce you, you oaf. I'm getting you out of the cold and dirty cloths so that you can warm up and lie more comfortably. '' She thinks about getting him new cloths but it'll be complicated enough to get him out of his, getting him dressed is completely unnecessary considering that the sooner he gets into the shower the better. She grabs a couple of extra blankets and her bin for dirty cloths before returning to Erik's side. His eyes meet hers,

''…I'm sorry…'' She sighs and kneels down in front of him. His eyes then close and his breathing turns a bit more ragged. Kat frowns, he's really really sick. Depending on his temperature, she'll eventually have to call Tony. Perhaps it'd be better that way anyway. She carefully works him out of the jacket, waistcoat, shirt and pants until all he has left is a pair of the most horrible underwear she has ever had to see before. Those horrible, white things that remind of too long boxer shorts for old ladies. That's one thing she certainly does not find appealing. After making a face of disgust she gets those off too but they don't land in the bin for cloths. She'll throw them out as soon as Erik's settled. Perhaps she'll get him some briefs or normal boxers at some point.

She shakes her head, that doesn't matter right now. She's working the stubborn, delusional man up to the pillows and under the covers while assuring him she is _not_ disgusted by doing this and he does not have to be ashamed about anything.


	4. Chapter 4 - Love's A Curious Thing

**A/N:** Special thanks to **.witch** and **Child of Dreams** for Reviewing so faithfully! I hope you will continue the support! It means a lot to me!

* * *

 **Chapter 4** – Love's A Curious Thing

* * *

'' 42°C?! How in the hell are you even still alive? Your fever is on a deadly level! '' His eyes open at her outburst. Kat is about to have a stroke. That's it. She retires. She is not capable to deal with that shit. This isn't normal, this isn't something she can heal with a lot of rest and a cup of tea. This might kill him, it should have killed him already. If she wouldn't have heard his sneeze and recognize the voice to it, she might have discovered his body at some point. That bloody stubborn idiot was risking his life just to follow her. He rather risked to just drop dead than to just get help. Mad or not, she would have helped him if he had just come to her!

''…I will be fine- '' She shakes her head, her hands trembling as she reaches for her phone,

'' No you won't be! You will not be fine, Erik! I'm gonna call an ambulance. Tony should be in shift right now, I'll call him. ''

'' No… no Doctors. They will not… treat me… if they see my face…'' Erik tries to sit up but the blankets are keeping him down long enough for Kat to push him down with one hand while scrolling through her phone. She holds the phone to her ear as soon as she found his number but her eyes shift to Erik. He is clearly afraid of a doctor but right now she couldn't care any less about that. She can't treat that shit. She can stitch up someone that was shot or stabbed but she can't treat this kind of fever!

 _If was just half as afraid of dying, we wouldn't be in this situation now._

'' Erik shut up. If I don't call an ambulance, you _will_ die. I have nothing here for a fever like yours! How could you be so stupid to just follow me around dressed like that! Fuck. I don't even know _how_ to treat that. Look, a friend of mine is working as a paramedic, I call him. He won't say anything about your face. '' She can see the urge to argue with her but it's more than obvious that he's too weak for that. As she hears Tony picking up, she cuts him off before he has the chance to greet her,

'' Tony, it's Kat. Can you grab your bag and come over quick? Like real quick. ''

'' _W_ _hat happened? Are you alright_? '' Tony's deep voice abruptly asks in worry. She sighs,

'' Yeah I'm fine but my boyfriend, he's… he's got a really high fever and I don't have a fuckin' idea what to do. Can you please come over? ''

'' I'm on my way. ''

'' Thanks… ''

* * *

15 minutes later the doorbell rings, causing Kat to stop her in her pacing through the room while always having an eye on Erik and dashes to the door to buzz Tony in. She carefully removed both Erik's wig and mask what he quit with muttered protest but it's not like he could do much to stop her. Not in that state. She soothed him too, told him everything's okay and that Tony won't say anything about it. He takes the stairs to be up faster and soon steps into her sight,

'' Thanks for comin' by this quick. '' She steps aside to let him in and closes the door with an absent push.

'' No problem ...So, _boyfriend_? '' Kat feels her cheeks suddenly burning, she didn't even realize that she called him that.

'' Yeah… I'm gonna explain that later… -Look, before you go in there: He's got a birth defect. I got the mask and wig he usually wears off, but it's a _really_ sensitive topic…'' He nods,

'' Got it. '' Kat forces a small smile to her lips but it drops again almost right away. She watches Tony walk towards the bed and after biting her lip and taking a deep breathe, Kat is going after him. Tony already tries to take Erik's pulse but Erik is being a bit bratty,

'' No, do not touch me. I don't- ''

'' Erik, stop that! He's gonna help you so stop acting like a brat! '' She snaps, causing Erik to wince. Slowly Erik ceases his resistance and allows Tony to quickly check up on him. Like promised, Tony's eyes don't stop a second too long on the deformed half of his face. She wasn't expecting Tony to be impressed by it, he's seen worse more than once but she had to make sure he won't mention it.

'' Mike's owing me a 20. I knew you'd have a thing for the dirty-blondes and were gonna settle with that. He was going for ginger. '' Kat grins at Tony's words,

'' Well actually he's winning then. I _do_ have a thing for ginger. 's not my fault he's blond. '' Tony chuckles and opens his bag to take a couple of instruments out of it. Erik's either not capable to say something about their conversation or he's so caught up in that delusional state that he's not even realizing that they're talking about him.

'' Honestly though, you just _had_ to pick the most handsome guy you could find, didn't ya? '' Tony grins at her over his shoulder. Kat sees the sudden confuse on Erik's face who obviously slowly realizes that it's about him. Kat was already expecting that her friends, especially her gay friends, will very openly say how attractive he is. That was actually another reason why Kat wanted to take him, it'd sure push his ego a bit if he's hearing a lot of compliments from a lot of people.

'' Well yeah. '' She shrugs. He grins. Erik's confused.

As soon as Tony's done he nods and pats Erik's chest with a smile,

'' You're gonna be alright, mate. '' Slowly he gets back to his feet and leans down to Kat,

'' Can you stay here for a couple of minutes? I think the best is if we put him in the tub and fill it with ice for half an hour. I'm gonna go and buy enough for that. ''

'' Isn't that, like, a really old way to handle this? Won't that be bad for him? ''

'' Yeah but usually you don't have people with a fever like that in London a lot either. It's very effective, oldie but goldie. ''

'' Yeah sure, if it helps let's do that. C-can I do something? ''

'' Talk to him. It's okay if he sleeps, just don't let him drift off too far. Know what I mean? ''

'' Got it. '' He ruffles her hair and quickly leaves the apartment. Kat looks after him for a moment before sitting down next to Erik with a smile,

'' See, told you he's nice didn't I? ''

'' Is my mask still on my face? ''

'' No. I've got it on the table. '' Her answer obviously confuses him even more,

'' He didn't even look at my face…''

'' I told you something like that isn't a biggie in my world. ''

'' He called me handsome. '' Erik mutters with a frown but Kat can see that he's a bit flattered by it so she grins teasingly,

'' Do I have to worry that you might have a crush on him now? '' His eyes narrow almost as if she insulted him but his expression changes into something very serious then,

'' There's no one on this world except you that I could ever love. '' She smiles, her hand on his cheek,

'' That's good. ''

'' Kathrine… will you sing for me? '' There's a sting in her chest. Singing his music would mean she forgives him, wouldn't it? No, most likely it's nothing more but a plead for the only love he ever had to sing to him because music was the only thing that stayed with him. That never abandoned or abused him. He controlled it, he created it. And he controls her with it. Down in the chapel, the first time he sang Music of the Night to her, as he tried to lure her to him on the graveyard. She can't do anything against it. It feels like his voice is calling out to her soul, leaving her incapable to resist him. Usually she'd say that he's probably not going to remember it anyway or that it's okay to sing because he's sick… But right now she's not sure if singing to him is not sooner or later leading back to her being caught again. She wants to forgive him already, singing might be not the best move she can make.

She loves him. Too much to be able to handle it and after he left her, she was at a point she never thought she'd get to. Suddenly suicide was not that bad of an idea to her. She couldn't end it though. Perhaps she was just waiting for him to come back, maybe she wanted the cause of her death to be alcohol, drugs and broken bones because it seems like less of a shame to her.

But even if singing to him now will lead her right back to him, she can't refuse him right now. Because he is hurt. How could she possibly say no to him in that state? After he was following her for a whole week and almost freezing to death just so he can keep an eye on her, she can't deny him that now. But her stomach cramps a bit as she inhales.

* * *

'' _Love me… that's all I ask of you…_ '' Kat jumps as she hears Tony knocking on the her wall the moment she's done with the song to get her attention. With a last look at Erik she jumps to her feet and walks up to Tony. The tall man smirks at her,

'' I didn't know you could sing like that. '' She smiles with her cheeks blushing a bit,

'' He taught me. '' Tony nods towards her bathroom,

'' I covered the ground of the tub with ice. Do _you_ want to get him naked or…? '' The very clear intention behind that question and the way he is obviously not at all unwilling to get Erik naked suddenly has her blood broiling and she hisses at him,

'' That's _my_ boyfriend. ''

'' Just asking. I wouldn't mind. '' Her eyes narrow dangerously at him and Tony's smirk instantly drops while he takes a step back and raises his hands,

'' Whoa, easy Kat… I was joking. ''

'' You better be…! -He's naked already, though. His cloths were all wet and cold as I got him in here, I thought it'd be good to get him out of that and I was a bit hoping to get him washed up so I left him naked. ''

'' Was a good thought. Alright let's get your Adonis into the tub. ''

'' If your hands go anywhere near that cock, I'll break 'em. '' She growls quietly to make sure Erik won't hear that.

'' Damn honey, didn't think I'd ever see _you_ turn green. ''

'' Never thought I'd have _a_ _reason_ to turn green. '' He shrugs,

'' Yeah, neither did anyone else in London. Don't worry though, I doubt he'd go for it even if I was trying to pull somethin'. I saw the way he was lookin' at you as you sang. ''

'' Yeah he better be...'' Kat grumbles and Tony ruffles her hair again but this time she hisses at him. Tony only laughs. Together they get the barely conscious Erik out of bed and into the tub. Only as Tony covers him with more ice is Erik reacting. He looks at his surroundings and his body relaxes. Kat and Tony leave the bathroom and close the door after they made sure he lies comfortably.

'' I'll call my boss and tell him what happened so I can stay until he's back in the bed. '' Kat bites her lip as she nods. After a while she sighs and meets his eye,

'' Thank you. ''

'' Don't mention it. '' Kat looks after him as he moves to the living room. As she hears him explaining things to his boss, Kat slowly turns back to the bathroom door. She grabs the handle but freezes before she can push it down to open the door. She can't deny that the current situation frightened her more than she likes to admit. He could easily have died out there. If he wouldn't have sneezed, if she hadn't noticed him, he would have died from that fever. Maybe he would have starved or gotten run over by a car.

To suddenly be confronted with the fact that Erik was dying and didn't care to get help because he didn't want to leave her is calling up a whole new battle of emotions inside her. Part of her wants to make sure he gets back to his feet and kick him then onto the next boat back to his Opera. What he did to her, all that shit he pulled in that short time they know each other is proof enough that he will never change. Doesn't matter what circumstances he's in, he'll always find a reason to bail on her or completely lose it. He will threaten her again, threaten her family again if she refuses him something. He's sick. Maybe it would help if he gets into therapy but that would take years and Erik would never be away from the Opera for that long. Neither can he just get to England quick for Therapy and then go back to the Opera. It's be too complicated that way. And if Kat ever falls out of love and wants to leave him, he will either snap or kill himself.

She understands that mental illnesses can completely control you and she was patient with him the whole time but she can't use that to excuse his behavior all the time. She's not obliged to let him hurt her and then forgive him over and over again just because he's sick. If Kat pulls some shit because of her own illness she is still being called out for it and she was kicked out of two jobs because of that already. Erik being sick _explains_ his behavior but it does not _excuse_ it.

But even though she knows all of that and can logically say it might be best for her to ship him off to old France and move on, she's not sure if she really wants that. If she weighs out the bad vs the good, the good things outweigh the bad. At least they do so now, who knows what it'd look like in a year. Then again, she can't say that the part that wants to ship Erik off is exactly big. It's more of a small piece, 20% maybe. The other 80% want to get him back to his feet and then back into bed, just not to rest. She wants to forgive him, she wants things to go on like they were before he bailed. She wants Erik to meet her family and friends and she wants to just be with him again. He followed her for a whole week, he rather had that fever killing him than leave Kat out of his sight. That's creepy and wrong on many many levels but it's also flattering Kat. She saw the bruises on his knuckles earlier and considering that Erik was probably watching Kat as she was in that Hotel with Omar, she'd say he was boxing in the wall to either calm down or because he was imagining that the wall was Omar. Perhaps he even wanted to beat her in that moment. Kat would probably want to beat him to death if he'd fuck someone else. Just that there's something Erik was probably not considering: If that stupid motherfucker hadn't bailed on her, _he_ would be the one fucking her against a window. Maybe that was just another reason to beat in a wall.

'' Kat… who is that guy? '' She winces, her hand slipping off the handle. Tony's close to her and the smile that's usually always present is replaced by a mix of serious and worried.

'' Remember that my class had that trip to 19th century France, to give school-ending a good kick? ''

'' Yeah? ''

'' He was there. He eh… he was hiding inside the Opera because he was beaten for his deformed face, which is why he's got a lot of issues with his face. He managed to make others believe he's a Ghost. He's been leading the whole thing for a long time and as we got there he tried to drop a curtain on the leading lady. '' Tony breaks out into laughter and Kat can't fight down the grin either because this will always be hilarious.

'' So the Diva left and I was picked as a replacement and he was giving me singing lessons and then I kind of went into his secret hideout with him and blah blah blah… Long story short: That dumb motherfucker made me fall in love with him, discuss my feeling and my mental state with him and after we fucked the first time he bailed on me so I came back alone. A week ago he suddenly stood in front of me and I sent him to hell. Today I found out he was stalking me the whole time and because he didn't want to leave me out of his sight he refused to get help so he was basically just waiting to drop dead. ''

'' Wow… I mean- wow. That bloke's got a lot of baggage. ''

'' Yeah fuckin' tell me bout it...'' She grumbles and Tony clears his throat,

'' He followed you for a week and was ready to die because he didn't wanna leave you. He's… a tad bonkers, isn't he? ''

'' A tad? He's got enough issues to fill the fucking Titanic with it. ''

'' He got the right person then. '' Kat crosses her arms with a scoff,

'' Shut up, I'm doing the best I can, okay? It's just that- ''

'' I was serious, Kat. You're a bitch but you're good with psychology. You are manipulative as fuck. And as much as you know how to destroy someone, you can help 'em too. I'm good at taking care of injuries that are on the body but mental health? Man that shit is hard. You got a good wire to those people. ''

'' Well sometimes understanding someone is not getting rid of the problem...''

'' You figure it out. -Go to him. I'll come in as soon as it's time to get him out. '' Kat runs her fingers through her hair,

'' Could you buy him cloths real quick? Boxers and a shirt will be enough for now. I'll go shopping later when he's fine on his own. There's money in my bag. '' Tony nods,

'' Sure. ''

'' Thank you…'' Suddenly he closes the distance between them and nudges her shoulder a little,

'' Don't worry, he's gonna be up and running in no time. I promise. '' She offers another smile before slipping into the bathroom. Erik is only opening his eyes as she sits down on the edge of the tub. His eyes are a little less dead and that's probably a good sign.

'' How are you feeling? ''

'' I… cannot say for sure. ''

'' Say fuck. '' Erik gives her a clear look and Kat smiles sheepishly,

'' Sorry. ''

'' Why are you helping me? '' Kat looks at him in surprise, she didn't think he'd try to talk about something serious right away. For a few seconds Kat is just looking at him, not sure whether to tell him the truth or to lie. She could tell him that she would always help him, no matter what he did, whenever he's in trouble he can always come to her because she will never refuse him help. Or she tells him that she does this for the times they had fun and the moment he's back on his feet she wants him gone. Both is bringing trouble and it doesn't matter how she phrases it, one only will confirm him that she's still in love with him, the other might destroy him or make him kill himself or whatever his head is choosing but there will be consequences.

'' I already told you that, no matter what, I never stop loving someone. '' She finally says and just as she was expecting it, Erik's eyes widen in a mix of hope and happiness but he can't keep his eyes that wide open for so long so his head soon drops backwards and his eyes shut close.

'' You still love me? '' His voice is quiet but hopeful. Kat narrows her eyes, her voice barely louder than his,

'' Yeah…''

'' But you sent me away. ''

'' I'm still real fuckin' mad. Don't get me wrong here, I didn't say I forgive you. I don't think that I ever will… I might have been capable to forgive you for leaving but I will never forgive you for threatening my family. That doesn't change though… that you're the love of my life...'' Erik tries to sit up as he attempts to speak but a heavy cough soon has his body shaking violently and his face scrunches up in pain. Kat gently forces him to lean back again while holding a few ice cubes to his head,

'' Hey, 's fine, just focus on getting back to your feet for now. We can talk about that once you're okay. Just lean back and cool down. I'm not going anywhere, I'll stay right here. '' He looks at her another moment before slowly doing what she said. Kat hopes he won't open his eyes soon. Because she can feel a tear sliding down her cheek, soon followed by another. She only hopes he can't feel her hand shaking.

* * *

'' Time to get you out, mate. I've got cloths for you- not like I think you need 'em. '' Tony says as soon as he comes in what causes Kat to look up at him with a small, playful glare before her eyes drift back to Erik. He quickly fell asleep after relaxing and Kat moved to sit on the ground so that she can put her arm on the edge and her head on top of her arm.

'' He's asleep. ''

'' Alright, no problem. I hold him, you dry him off and get him dressed. '' Kat nods and stands up. Sitting in that position the whole time left quite the uncomfortable stinging in her legs but that's nothing a little stretching later wouldn't fix. As soon as Tony has a secure grip on Erik, Kat quickly dries him off and maneuvers him then into the simple pair of black boxers and the white, soft shirt Tony bought.

'' It's really kinda odd to have 'im in cloths from here. '' She mumbles while looking him up and down a couple of times. It's different and his missing mask and wig in combination with these casual cloths are… really turning her on. She takes her previous position to help get him back to bed but this time it's a little harder because Erik's still not waking up.

'' Why, I think he looks pretty damn good. ''

'' Oh he certainly does but it's still odd. The boxers look _so_ much better on him than the stuff he used to wear. ''

'' Aw no, don't tell me he had those granny-panties. '' They put him back into bed and Kat tucks him in before holding up the previous underwear Erik came here with. Tony sticks his tongue out in disgust,

'' Ew, that is just nasty. ''

'' He's worried about his face, I think he should worry about these much more. ''

'' Amen. With and without the defect, he's really fucking handsome but these knickers ruin everything. I'm not sure how I'd react if I had a guy like him jump me in those. ''

'' I was distracted by other things at the time he finally did but thanks for understanding me. I'll burn them later I think. ''

'' You'd do him a favor. '' Kat nods and puts the panties back where they were before.

'' I'll make you a list with what he shouldn't do in the next couple of weeks and how much of what medication he will need to what time. I also write down what he should and should not eat or drink. The fever will cling down soon but he's still at risk of having a pneumonia and that's not something to joke about. I'm going to check on you two every now and then and if his condition gets worse call me or another ambulance because then he'll need to go to the hospital. ''

'' Got it Boss. Thanks…''

'' Don't mention it. I expect to be invited for a drink as soon as Adonis is back on his feet so we can do this whole meet and greet properly. '' Kat nods with a smile but that drops as soon as he closed the door behind him. Erik's breathing is almost calm now but his skin is still pale and he looks a little thinner than she remembers him. So he wasn't only ignoring his health, he was also not really eating. Kat could just smack him stupid over and over again for taking to many risks.

'' All that just because you couldn't leave me...'' She whispers, her eyes focusing on his face. His eyes are twitching every now and then, just like the edges of his mouth are. Suddenly she remembers all the good moments with Erik. Their first dance and the following, the moment he exposed himself to her and took her down into the layer, their kisses, the fun they had, the comfort she felt around him. And of course the sexual bits leading to the real thing after wanting it for so long. But the memory she loves the most is the night she had her first panic-attack in front of him. They were sitting by the organ and Erik was trying to convince her to do another performance. Erik held her and apologized, then he picked Kat up and carried her to the couch. He made tea and brought her candy. He held her, sang her favorite song to her.

And he promised to keep her safe. To never let anyone or anything hurt her.

Her eyes fully focus on Erik's face again. He broke his promise but at the same time he didn't. And it confuses her but she needs this. She needs him. She loves him. And she will never send him away again. Never. Even if he hurts her again, she won't ever tell him to go. Maybe it would be for the best to send him away but that doesn't matter anymore. Seeing him in that condition once is more than enough. She was ready to move on enough to live her life before but now that he's here, she can't help but remember how much good there was. He was taking care of her whenever she broke down and even as she yelled at him he stayed by her side. He was just ready to die and even though he is so sick right now he kept following her. How could she now possibly ever send him away? She won't forgive him but she won't send him away either. They could just ignore what happened and try to just go on like they usually would. He's in England now, they can do what she was planning to do and return to the Opera at some point.

Kat gives a single, dry laugh. If only that shit would work out this well. If only it was this easy. He will fuck up again and she will enter an episode because she is feel it since Erik left her. And if he fucks up again she won't be able to hold it back. If Erik is around while she gets into that state, she can't say what will happen. But it might be dangerous for Erik.

Then again, she is just as much at risk of entering that episode if she sends him away. Because losing him the first time was one of the worst things that ever happened to her and the pain is just getting worse each time she looses him again.

'' You're a bloody pain in the arse, you know that? Persistent bastard 's what you are. But you won. I won't ever send you away again, even if loving you destroys me for good. I promise. I'll take everything you throw at me… because you need me more than I need my sanity. I need you too but you deserve to be with the first person you ever loved. Just… please don't hurt me too much. ''

Of course Erik is not even flinching other than the twitching of his eyelids here and now. A sad smile comes to Kat's lips. Whatever it is that happens, she will endure it. It's not exactly healthy but it's the only thing that matters. They can work this out. There will be shitty times but as long as the good moments outweigh the bad, she's ready to endure the pain.

Kat leans down and touches his lips with hers in a gentle kiss. Kat allows their lips to touch for a bit longer before retreating just as slowly as she was leaning down. Erik mutters something in french but doesn't wake up. It's funny how little she heard him speaking in French yet considering he lives in France. Then again, most people in the Opera speak English, it's only logical to go with the flow there. Erik mutters in his sleep again and this time she understands him. Only one word but it's enough to make her smile.

… _Kathrine..._

* * *

Kat hums to herself quietly as she kicks the door close behind her and secures the bags in her arms once again. She bought about anything that looked like it might be good for Erik beside buying everything on the list Tony gave her yesterday. Erik didn't wake up yet but she's not worried, he's just catching up on proper sleep and allowing his body to recover. She sleeps a lot too after her episodes, that's normal. And Tony confirmed that too so she decided to trust that he won't wake up anytime soon and went shopping. In the end it's a bit more than just what's on the list but Kat thought that anything that isn't on the NoDo-List that looks healthy or has a lot of proteins will be fine. She got soups, vegetables, meat, fruits, snacks, tea and a couple of cooking books because she has no bloody clue how to make a proper meal out of the shit she got. She'll do the best she can and try to make something that tastes good but she can't guarantee for that. Either he eats it or he starves, simple.

'' Kathrine…'' With a small, startled yelp Kat drops the bags in her arms and looks up at the source of the voice. Erik's more or less standing but his body is leaning at the wall heavily and his heavy breathing gives away how weak is body still is. It must have taken a lot of effort to get out of bed and all the way down here, effort he was supposed to bloody avoid. Just in case he does wake up while she's gone she left him a note. She said she's just buying some groceries and that he's not allowed to leave the bloody damn bed one his own except he has to pee really bad.

'' You shouldn't be up on your own yet. ''

'' I was worried something had happened to you. As I found you gone I was sure…'' He trails off and avoids her eyes. Kat's heart cramps in her chest but she shakes it off. With a sigh she looks down at the items scattered all over the ground,

'' I left you a note, didn't you see that? It was a damn miracle you were still alive after your stupid fuckin'- '' Before she can give herself the chance to yell at him like she really wants to right now, she titles her head down. With closed eyes she takes a deep breathe, reminding herself about the skills-training that gives her small other tasks to focus on something else than chew that bloody thick-head off. As she opens her eyes, Kat notices the groceries scattered all over the ground.

'' Damn I hope nothing broke. '' Erik scans the things on the ground carefully until his eyes stop at one of the things. Suddenly he arches an eyebrow at her,

'' You bought books that teach you to cook? '' Kat's eyes widen the same second her cheeks start to burn. Kat drops to her knees to quickly stuff the damn books back into the paper-bag.

 _Bloody noisy bastard can't mind his own shit one goddamn time. Too dumb to spot a fuckin' paper but a bloody Detective for stupid books!_

'' Screw you, that's the only way for me to find out how to do something with that shit okay! Do I look like a cook or a bloody coach for healthy eating?! 's the only option for really healthy stuff! Stuff at the shop's full with bad shit- Look, I don't care if you eat it! Take it or leave it, I don't bloody care! I just thought it might be nice okay? Was a stupid idea, got it, I won't try. Probably only gonna end up poisoning you anyway instead of- '' Erik suddenly kneeling down in front of her and taking her stupid shaking hands into his to stop her messy packing abruptly causes her to shut up. Kat grits her teeth, her entire body tensing in shame about her pre-teen behavior in front of the guy that still is in huge need of a kick between the legs for treating her like shit. But who would have known, her body is acting against her. The silly attempt to hide her face by starring at the ground once more reminds her of a pre-teen, just that there's the touch of Romantic Comedy movie now put into the pot.

'' I'd be honored to have you do this for me- ''

'' _Not_. Doing this. For you. '' She presses out through her still clenched jaw. The most obvious and unnecessary lie in her entire life but with everything as it is now Kat feels like she can't give him that pleasure after her embarrassing rant from before.

'' Of course, forgive me. Nevertheless I think that it is a wonderful idea to learn how to prepare a healthy meal. The stress your body encounters in these fights is immense and while I realize that I have no saying in the way you live your life, it is a huge relief to know you support your body this way. Should you grant me the honor of eating something you made, I am sure I will love it. '' Erik's voice is low, almost a hum to calm her raging mind.

 _Fucking sweet-talking jackass..._

'' Just go back to bed… And we're never again talkin' about the fact that I learn how to cook for you bloody cheesy chav, got it? '' Pulling her hands back she turns her head back up to glare at him the most threatening she can with her red face,

'' Of course my love. '' He offers her a charming smile but it's not the same as usual. Erik's so fragile right now, his fever is down but not yet gone and his body still needs to recover from that. It's only normal that he's weakened but that doesn't change Kat being bothered by that. She just doesn't like it. He was emotionally fragile before -at least in front of her- but his body was always strong. And now it isn't. It makes him weak, vulnerable to anyone trying to harm him. The Inspector is still alive and probably not yet done with them and the Captain was looking at Erik like he's not done with Erik either. Surely there are more people Erik pissed off over the time that are just waiting to have a chance. Then again, none of these guys would ever come here. Still. It bothers her because Kat can't imagine to have her body in that state. Erik and she both are people that have very little control of their mind but because they have a good physical strength they don't feel vulnerable all the time. To have that taken away from him must leave him afraid, it would make Kat afraid.

Kat only notices that she was starring at Erik a little longer than intended as he suddenly cups her cheek and his thump gently begins to caress her cheek. Out of some reason she feels panic as he leans in to kiss her. Before he can move too close, she leans back and takes the groceries to quickly leave into the kitchen. She puts everything onto the counter and takes the whiskey out of her fridge to pour herself a glass. There's a confusing mix of panic and anger burning in her veins. What was he even thinking? He can't leave like that, then threaten her family because she doesn't take him back instantly and almost kill himself after she throws him out! And then try to get back into that shit as soon as he's walking!

She pours another glass after finishing the first in one go and shakes her head before sorting in the stuff she got quickly. The books she puts down on the counter against the box for her tea. Looks actually pretty neat.

Kat flinches as she feels Erik stopping right behind her, close enough to feel his chest against her back. It's one of these moments she wants to be just a little less proud and have him fuck her on the counter. She is mad that he just tried to kiss her after everything he's done to her by now. And she's afraid because she doesn't want this shit to happen again. She wants to kiss him and she wants to go back to how things were but she knows that Erik will do all of that psychotic bullshit again the moment he thinks he has a bloody reason to do so.

'' Kathrine- '' His hands softly grasp her shoulders but Kat pulls away,

'' No! Just go back to bed and give me fuckin' some space. '' She expects him to try again or to lose his temper or to do anything but just listen to what she says. So it comes as a nice surprise as he actually takes a step back. She feels colder suddenly, now that he's not there anymore. But she rather keeps a wall between them than giving him the impression that his behavior is the right way to get what he wants. She'll talk to him about it too- just not now.

'' Of course. Whatever you want, Kathrine. '' The moment he left the kitchen she allows her body to drop forwards until her arms are crossed on the counter and her face is hiding in the fabric of her coat. She stays in that position for a long time, her teeth grit and her eyes shut close. She should have gotten him into a hospital, better one with a psyche-ward. He's a complete nutter that risks dying just to not lose the object of his desire. For all she knows it, he's probably not even in love with her. He's obsessed with her because she was the first person to show any interest in him. And even if he's actually in love with her, he can't handle it. He's not used to relationships, whether romantic or friendly ones. He's been isolating himself for so long that he never got to learn that stuff. And trying to help him by forgiving him time and time again is nothing more but another form of self-harm.

She's been through all kinds of self-harm. She was cutting open her arms once but only because loosing a lot of blood made her feel like she's high. She punches walls if she's getting too mad. She bites her lips or showers too hot too but that's just small stuff. The real self-harm she's doing is her fighting, her substance abuse.. and Erik. Erik's like every other substance: They make her feel good for a while but they all fuck her up at some point.

 _Maybe I'm more of a masochist than I thought…_

A bitter smile comes to her lips as she runs her fingers through her hair. She's not sending him away but they can't go on like that either. Doctor Bloomfield might be able to help Erik but how will she speak to him about that?

'' Straight out 's probably the best. '' With a nod to herself she drinks what is left in her glass and walks into the bedroom. Erik is actually sitting on the bed but he's not entirely alone. There's a shoe carton in front of him that he's curiously eyeing. Kat freezes to a statue. Part of her really wants to stop him but as she feels ready to move, Erik already put the lid aside and picks the first object up. Kat puts her hand over her mouth, her eyes growing wide but her mouth turning into a small, amused grin. He might not realize what most of this stuff is but one or two are pretty detailed. She should have seen it coming that Erik starts looking around as soon as he's able to walk.

 _Gosh that man's like a toddler…_

'' Curious...'' He mutters after he spotted the switch and started the thing. She bites her lip, that picture will never ever leave her mind and as much as she tries to, she can't stop herself from taking a picture of Erik holding that vibrator and looking at it like it's some form of highly interesting physics object. He puts it aside and grabs for something else as he notices her,

'' What are these Kath- '' He soon looks back down but stops dead in his tracks because this time he grabbed one of her very lifelike little helpers. Granted, it's deep purple. But in the end it still looks like a big cock. Erik's probably never looked more helpless and Kat takes another picture before quickly stuffing her phone into her pocket. Her arm's just moving on its own, really. Erik on the other hand isn't moving for a _long_ time. Like he's hoping she might just go away if he keeps very still. Kat tries to stop herself, she really does, but she just can't stop the loud laughter much longer. Her whole stomach starts cramping from the uncontrolled laughter going on and on seemingly without an end. Erik is still holding the dildo like he's just so embarrassed that he can't let go. By now he's blushing as deep as she was earlier and it's just adorable. Deciding to get him out of his misery, Kat walks over to him and takes the dildo from his hand before dropping it back in the box,

'' I'd say- haha- that we're even now. See, that's what you get for snooping. '' She slaps his shoulder playfully but Erik's still not looking at her.

'' Oh come on! It's not that bad. You have one too y'know? '' His blush deepens,

'' Why. Kathrine. Why do you have… that. ''

'' You'd be more red if you knew what you held before. '' His eyes widen.

''...Why… what was it…''

'' You really wanna know? ''

'' Part of me clearly thinks it is a bad idea… but yes. ''

'' Oki doki. Some of these are vibrating, called vibrators. Others aren't, called dildos. The thing you held before comes into your arse, the thing you held after comes in your- well _my_ vagina. So to make it short, I use those to pleasure myself. '' Suddenly blood shoots out of Erik's nose and Kat looks at it like it's some form of miracle,

'' Oh my gosh I didn't know that can actually happen outside of an Anime. '' While Erik covers his nose with his hand, Kat grabs one of the tissues in her night table. Erik is not looking at her as she takes his hand away to wipe away the blood with the tissue.

'' You wanted to know. '' She informs him as she notices him looking anywhere but at her,

'' I wish I would learn to say no to you in situations like these. '' He mutters, still embarrassed.

'' As if you haven't been in there before too. Well, at least in one of them. '' Erik closes his eyes,

'' You have a _purple_ reproduction of a male sex organ _in a carton under your bed_. ''

'' Yeah it's not easy to find those in black. ''

'' That is not the point! '' He suddenly screeches and Kat jumps. After starring at him with wide eyes, she once more starts to laugh.

'' What do you want me to say about it Erik? You were the one looking through my shit. Not my fault you have zero knowledge about all this. ''

'' I was not expecting to find tools you use for- '' He stops himself, not ready to say it.

'' Having an orgasm? Well I don't always have someone around when I'm in the mood and the only time I almost would have, he happened to run off. ''

'' Kathrine- ''

'' Leave it. ''

'' But I really want to- ''

'' And I said leave it. I'm serious Erik, I don't wanna hear it. We had something pretty damn nice but you ruined it the same way you ruined it before- and before. And I am honestly sick of hearing you apologize for something you only end up doing again. We can try to get along but I don't want another apology. If you really want to work this out, don't ever try to apologize again before you are a 100% certain you will never do it again. ''


	5. Chapter 5 - Devil Take The Hindmost

**Chapter** **5** – Devil Take the Hindmost

* * *

'' Are you relatives by any chance? '' Erik says while nodding to Meg as she tells Hercules to mind his own business while clearly being in an uncomfortable position with that centaur. Kat laughs before shrugging her shoulders with a sly smirk,

'' Well I did grow up with those movies. ''

'' They are charming, I enjoy them as well. How many more are there? ''

'' A lot more. Disney's at it since the 80s, I think. So there's a lot we can still watch. Next we go for Mulan, she's one of my role models. ''

'' Mulan? Like the female warrior from China who disguised herself as a male to fight in the war? ''

'' Exactly like. '' Erik nods and they share a smile. It's been three days since Kat told Erik to stop it with the apologies and he has not since tried again. Kat knows better than to expect much from it, he'll try again at one point or another. But she'll enjoy the time they spent in peace. Erik's getting better steadily. His fever is down and he can walk on his own again, there's a sway in between but that's because his circulation is still recovering. Tony gave him Ibuprofen for the pain in his bones and a couple of vitamins yesterday and it's already showing an effect. If it continues that way he'll be completely fine by the end of the week.

For now they'll watch a few more movies and Erik has the chance to learn a bit more about the business of her world. He's fascinated by pretty much anything he finds and after Kat came out of the shower, she found him looking through her books.

It's a peaceful atmosphere that she'd love to keep for as long as possible.

* * *

'' C'mon handsome, let's get you in the tub. I've let the water in. '' They finished Mulan and Kat decided that it's time for Erik to take a bath. Beside the fact that the herbs in the water will help his circulation, the days he was battling that fever left kind of a bad smell on him which she rather would get rid of now. She would offer him to take a shower but he's not going to stand through that. He can almost walk by himself again without having to stop after every second step or constantly support himself on the wall as long as it's only about getting through her flat. But his bones are still hurting, even though he tries to hide it from her. While she understands his motives -which are really just a mix of shame, stubbornness and the attempt to not be a bother for her- looking at things as they are, being sick is the only thing that's saving him from the nutcracker job she still wants to do on him.

Beside, things that demand a lot of effort are still tough for him. Not only because of the pain, his body hasn't gotten back to its old strength either. That means it's a hard no for the shower but a bath will be just fine. The herbs aren't only going to be good for his circulation, they're going to relax his sore muscles as well. And the hot water will help with the pain.

Besides, the bathtub Kat had installed not long after moving in offers more than enough space for two people and it has a nice Jacuzzi function. That means after she scrubbed Erik's back, it's going to be relaxing for the both of them. To her it's not that big of a deal but Erik looks a tad ashamed about the news that she'll help him.

* * *

'' I should not be demanding your help with this. It is embarrassing. ''

'' We've seen each other naked before, Erik, it's not a big deal. You're not demanding anything, I am. You're smelling bad. ''

'' I'm sorry. '' She swats his arm,

'' You were sick with a high fever, nobody smells like roses after that. Except you were apologizing for being sick, cause that was totally your fault. C'mon, let's go. '' Kathrine winks at him as she walks towards the bathroom. She is not offering him any help and he is grateful for that. The past days have been extremely difficult. He has had a fever before but it was not like this one and Erik is sure that he would no longer be alive if it hadn't been for Kathrine's care and the medication of this world. There is still a certain tension between them, Kathrine becomes more comfortable around him again but Erik knows that it'll take time until she can truly feel at peace in his presence again. But their current situation is beyond everything he was hoping for already. He missed her boldness, her flirtatious character. He missed everything about her. And this is his chance to never be parted from her again, he cannot ruin this again.

The bathroom smells wonderful from all the herbs Kathrine put into the water. He closes the door after entering to make sure the steam and the scent won't fade as quickly. Kathrine is gathering a few towels which she places close to the extremely voluminous tub that clearly was meant to be half a swimming pool. The steam is comforting but it's also making him a bit dizzy so that he has to grab the sink for support. Kathrine quickly notices that and walks up to him,

'' You're going to feel better once you sit in the water. If not, I'll open a window. '' She mutters softly while her hands move to lift his shirt. Erik would like to complain but he has to admit that being cared for this intensely feels too good to allow shame to interrupt this. They work him out of his cloths rather swiftly and Kathrine helps him into the tub.

As soon as his body is in the warm water, he relaxes. The tensed muscles in his back slowly loosen and soon he's stretched out in the water, his back leaning against the wall of the tub and his arms at each of his sides. His eyes quickly catch the movement beside him and despite the voice in his head telling him to politely look away, he cannot stop staring at this beautiful woman undressing in front of him. Every bit of marvelous skin that is being revealed has him fearing that he might not be able to control his body.

Bare and perfect Kathrine slides into the tub next to him easily, she is not making a show of it and Erik blames his condition for that.

'' Hand me that. '' She nods to a bottle of shampoo and he quickly hands it over.

'' Turn around. '' Her voice is still tensed whenever she speaks with him. He heard her talking to others on the phone and to Tony as he came by and her voice was always smooth. But every time she addresses Erik or answers him, she sounds tensed. It grew a little softer over the days but he can still hear it.

As soon as he turned his back to her, he can hear her popping the shampoo bottle open. Seconds later he can feel her softly massaging it into his shoulders. His eyes close on their own as her hands find every tensed muscle in his body. The same way they did before, back in the Opera, back when they were still a couple.

'' Kathrine- ''

'' Don't. '' Her voice cuts him off like it always does whenever he tries to tell her how sorry he is. The movements of her hands loose some of their gentleness for a moment. Erik shakes his head and turns to face her, taking both her hands in his lovingly. Her expression is cold, almost angry.

'' Why won't you allow me to apologize to you? ''

'' I told you, it won't change anything. You left me, you threatened me, you threatened my _family_. That's a fact, it wasn't just some idea, you were considering it. You might be sorry but that doesn't change that you did these things. ''

'' I did not mean it- ''

'' I was angry at you before, we were fighting before but I never once mocked your face! I never insulted it or threatened you in that way! There are lines you just can't cross without having to face the consequences later! '' She suddenly snaps, once again interrupting him. For a moment she is glaring him down, rage and hurt reflecting in her eyes. Erik feels horrible. At last, Kathrine sighs and runs her fingers through her hair,

'' Look… I just can't forgive you for that. I can move past it -but only once I'm sure you won't do it again. And I'm just not sure if that's ever the case. So… let's just keep thing as they are until we figured something out. You just have to let me be angry. We can try to carry on our thing but only if you don't bring that shitty thing up again. ''

'' As you wish. '' He lowers his eyes until he realizes that he is starring right at her naked body instead of the ground and quickly averts his eyes to the side, hoping his body will behave decently. But of course Kathrine notices. And suddenly she leans in. As her lips press onto his while her hands are on his knees to support herself, Erik feels like he was sent to heaven. Part of him feels confused. After her speech he was not expecting her to kiss him. He's not dumb enough to question her though, he'll enjoy this as long as she will let him.

His hands move on their own, they cup her cheeks and pull her closer. The decency he wanted to show is canceled as she slides into his lap easily. Their kiss quickly grows more passionate and Erik feels the urge to run his hands along her body. To feel every curve and caress every part of skin he feels. But he is unsure. Kathrine mentioned how she uses sex to cope with certain things, he would not want her to feel uncomfortable in any way if they take such a step. If the only reason for her sudden affection is because she has no other way to deal with the situation, he could never use her like that. As much as he hates himself for it, he pulls back far enough to mutter against her lips,

'' Kathrine, are you sure you want to- '' Suddenly her arms around his neck tighten their grip and the same moment Kathrine bites his bottom lip in a warning, her lap starts rubbing against his,

'' Shut the fuck up. '' Her hips snap and he almost slips into her warm entrance. The motion send a wave of electricity through him,

'' God! ''

'' Close. '' She smirks and if he wouldn't be so overwhelmed right now, he'd have returned her smirk. Finally his hands move in his favor and slide all along her body, caress her curves and her soft skin. The rubbing of their sexes is driving him mad. No longer able to hold back, Erik wraps an arm around her hips to lift her far enough to finally guide himself into her waiting entrance. Kathrine moans sweetly, her nails scratching along his back. Erik breathes out heavily through his grit teeth, his fingers digging into her sweet flesh. He never expected to have her like this again. Not in a million years had he thought she would ever move her hips up and down like this, holding on to him and panting against his lips. The sound of the water splashing over the edges of the tub and hitting the floor don't even reach his mind. All he can focus on is Kathrine riding him with her lips devouring his and her hands

'' Fuck…! Oh fuck, yes! Yes! Erik! '' His name in that tone is almost too much for him to bare. He reaches his edge quickly but the clenching of Kathrine's muscles around him announce that this time she is close as well. Muttering and moaning her name over and over, Erik allows his lips to caress her throat, his teeth gently nibbling on her neck. The closer he gets, the more he realizes how much he wants to see these marks on her again. He wants to ask for permission, for her consent to this ravaging of her neck but he's caught in the sweet haze of lust and allows his hands to grasp her hips tighter, his mouth to suck on her skin more aggressively.

Kathrine moans and arches her back, giving him perfect access to her perfect breasts. Erik would be a fool to miss that choice. His lips quickly fasten on her rosy bud, his tongue caressing the sensitive flesh right before his teeth gently nibble on it. Kathrine's motions become uncontrolled, messy and they're driving him dangerously close to reaching his climax. Erik moves one hand down to her soft entrance to rub the bud and cause further friction. Kathrine's moans turn into high-pitched whines and suddenly her hands cup his cheeks and her lips move along the deformed half of his face.

That is enough to finally push him over the edge. With a long, deep groan Erik feels his seed entering his beloved's body and a very very dark part of him wishes it'd reach her fertile womb and put a child into her. He knows Kathrine would be irresistible if her trained, perfect stomach swells while his child is growing inside her. Even with the chance that their child might inherit his deformed face, he'd take that risk. A child would bind Kathrine to him. She'd be his for all eternity. His head is filled with pictures of Kathrine's body slowly showing the first signs of pregnancy. Her round breasts would swell with milk to feed their child once it is born. Her hips will become fuller as well, preparing for pushing their child into the light of day. But the most tempting vision is Kathrine looking at her nude self in the mirror, her stomach swelling and showing everyone that she belongs to him. That their child is growing inside her.

But of course Erik knows that would never happen. Even if he'd manage to impregnate her, Kathrine would have it removed right away. She clearly told him she'd never be a mother. A small part in Erik hopes a sudden pregnancy might change her mind. A sick part of him wishes for her to notice only when their child grows and it is too late to have it removed surgically.

'' Did I lose you?~ '' Her voice purrs into his ear, getting him out of his thoughts. As soon as he realizes what he was wishing for, he feels ashamed. But Kathrine's tongue running across his deformed face quickly has him forgetting everything about that. He cups her cheeks and catches her lips with his. Their kiss is passionate but tired. Both of them have reached their climax, Erik knows for certain because her walls were tightening as she screamed his name. He only now really realizes that part and feels pleased with himself that he could satisfy her this time.

'' I could not stop thinking about our night. Not one day passed without me catching myself dreaming about this night. I cannot forget it, not a second of it. '' The playful expression on her face drops at his sudden confession and Erik watches something close to insecurity replacing it. She smiles nervously,

'' That's good, right? ''

'' I was insecure… I hurt you… The night that was supposed to be perfect was ruined by my selfish worries. I know my behavior was wrong and I cannot ask you to forgive me just because I am telling you this now… But please believe me that I have never regretted anything as I regret this. I love you and I will do anything for you. Please, allow me in your life again. I will prove myself to you and earn my place in your heart step by step. '' She looks at him silently for a while.

'' I didn't enjoy it. Sleeping with strangers. Normally it was a way to put off stress but now… After we broke up I couldn't do that anymore. I didn't really want to either. I just thought it would help me getting over you more quickly. And after you showed up suddenly it was more of a stubborn sort of revenge. I left so many people before they woke up, I never thought I'd ever be the one being left. ''

'' Getting over me? ''

'' I love you. How many times do I have to repeat that until you _listen_ to me? I never wanted to wake up next to someone after sex that badly and to find you gone fucking hurt. Okay? Your little disappearing-trick broke my bloody heart. I thought sleeping with others, feeling that rush with others, would make me forget that. But it didn't. ''

'' I… I did not know it would hurt you this much… Not then. '' Kathrine growls as she moves off his lap,

'' Sur-fucking-price. I didn't give up my life here for nothing. I didn't just blow every opportunity I had here for a small fuck. I was ready to spend my life with you down there. ''

'' You… _were_? '' Her expression turns dark the moment Erik realizes what he said was dumb,

'' That's all you have to say? '' With a snort Kathrine stands up,

'' No- Kathrine, please- '' He reaches out to stop her but she already slipped out of the tub. Helplessly Erik watches how she wraps a towel around herself and leaves the bathroom, throwing the door close behind her with a loud bang. He slides deeper into the water, his face in his hands. Is it really possible for one man to be such a gigantic ass?

* * *

He finds her on the balcony, a drink next to her on the small table and a cigarette in her hand. As she notices him she grits her teeth in anger but at last she sighs,

'' You're my worst nightmare, do you know that? You pull me close, you push me away. You tell me you love me in one moment and in the next you send me to hell. You make me love you, you promise me the _world_ and then you _leave_. I _can't_ take that. If you want me to forgive you then you can just as well go back now because that won't happen. I won't forgive you and forget this so that we can live happily ever after. '' She flips the cigarette over the balcony down onto the street and stands up to close the gap between them a little,

'' I know that you're broken, okay? But there's just so much I can take and you're crossing that line time and time again and I can't- I can't live like that. If you want this to work you can't be like this anymore. I'm doing my part, I visit my doctor, I take my meds and I tell you about my feelings even though that shit still has me shaking. I'm working on this! But you just pull this bipolar shit on me. Yes, no, happy, not happy, here, gone. ''

'' I'm sorry- '' She pushes him hard,

'' Don't say you're sorry! Don't apologize for something you don't really regret! ''

'' I regret more than you can imagine. '' He tries to keep his voice calm, to soothe her anger and it works just enough to not have her scream at him,

'' No you regret the way it ended. Leaving felt right to you and it will again at some point. That's just who you are. ''

'' I will never leave you again, trust me. ''

'' Why should I? You don't trust me either. '' Her voice is bitter, her eyes narrowed. Erik cups a cheek gently,

'' I trust you. '' She slaps his hand away and pushes him again,

'' No you don't! Because if you did you would have been there that morning! If you'd trust me you would believe me when I tell you that I love you, that I don't mind your face, that I don't mind your _preference_! If you _really_ would trust me you wouldn't _always again_ try to protect me from yourself because you would know that I'd _smack you stupid_ should you really do something I don't want! You saw me fighting, you know I could kill you at any moment no matter what situation! '' Erik fails to answer, too stunned to react other than stare at her with pain in his eyes. Kathrine huffs a dry laugh,

'' But you ran. You don't believe me. You're trying to protect me from yourself. You _don't_ trust me… We can try this again because I won't give you up. But if you want this to work, you'll have to get help. ''

'' You mean a psychiatrist. ''

'' I can take you along to my Doc. He probably won't treat you but a colleague of his will. You are not doomed to feel like this, Erik. You have the chance to become better. It's your choice whether you want to go that path or not. But as long as you don't, we won't ever be really fine. My next appointment is in two days. _Make your choice._ '' The words echo in his mind. The very words he spat at her as he captured the Scholar and threatened to kill him if she won't stay with him. Perhaps professional help might repair him.

'' I will. '' Erik tenderly takes her face in his hands and kisses her. The feeling of being so close to his beloved after all that time, the sweet sensation of her lips on his, it's even better than he remembers. If seeking professional help really is the only way for them to be happy, he will do it. Kathrine pulls back and titles her head down to hide her face from him. He grimaces in guilt, she seems tired,

'' Kathrine…- ''

'' Let's just not do that right now. '' She mutters and moves away from his embrace. He turns as she walks past him, his eyes narrowing,

'' Kathrine... _I love you_. '' She stops the same way she did as he first sang those words to her. In their shared home after he almost killed the scholar and forced her to stay with him for all eternity. This time she doesn't turn to face him though, this time she merely stares at the ground in front of her, her body slumped,

'' Yeah. '' He watches as she walks into the bedroom area to enter her closet. Erik doesn't look if she closes the door to change into more decent cloths or not. Instead his feet move towards the kitchen. He is briefly familiar with most items by now. The electric kettle to make tea, the microwave to heat frozen food or hot chocolate, the oven she rarely uses because she fears she might set fire to the kitchen and the fridge. He fills the electric kettle with water and pushes the button at the bottom. The water quickly begins to boil in the apparatus and Erik fills it into two mugs he fetches from the cabinets. Kathrine's favorite tea is the sweet strawberry one.

Before he can finish the tea, Kathrine moves to the front door,

'' Be back in a few. '' Erik quickly rushes to her side,

'' Where are you going? ''

'' Just somewhere. '' She brushes his hand off her shoulder. Erik feels jealousy burning in him. She couldn't. She wouldn't. Would she?

'' Are you seeing someone? '' Kathrine raises an eyebrow at him but her voice remains tired,

'' Are you my dad now? ''

'' Will you return or spend the night away…'' Suddenly the slightly stubborn, daring stance that built up in her completely disappears and her eyes become blank,

'' You think I'll have sex. ''

'' I am not entirely excluding it. '' Kathrine then looks at him as if he insulted her,

'' You're joking…''

'' Surely my presence will not stop your from your whoring any longer. Now that your worry for my possible death in your apartment has vanished there is nothing keeping you from another stranger's bed. '' The hand collides with his cheek before he even has the chance to comprehend what is going on. The power behind Kathrine's slap has his whole head rucking to the side and by the time he somewhat caught himself, Kathrine stormed out of the apartment and slams the door behind her hard enough to have him flinching. She could have beaten him but she chose to slap him. He insulted her. Yet he cannot stop thinking that she is tricking him. That right now she's going to meet _Omar_ again. Erik's eyes narrow.

* * *

Kat managed to regain her composure by the time she reaches the pub. Stephan texted her in the time she was with Erik in the bathroom, he wants to show her something important. Kat can already imagine what it's going to be. He was waiting for an answer about his application for weeks now. So as they meet, he hugs her excitedly and pulls her into the alley next to the pub for a little quiet and peace. Something Kat is enjoying extremely at the moment. She tries to brush the thought of Erik off but that he was assuming she'd meet someone for sex after she told him she's not enjoying it any longer breaks her already broken heart a bit more. Her head is pulsing dangerously, announcing a blackout if she's not quickly doing something against that.

Seeing a gay friend is the best cure for her current dangerous mood. Because he picks her up and twirls her,

'' I'm in! I was accepted! Can you believe that babe! They took me! Oh this is wonderful! '' Kat laughs and wraps her arms around his neck tightly,

'' I'm so happy for you! You gotta make sure I'll get free stuff though or I'll hate you forever! '' He laughs,

'' Oh you're getting everything you want beautiful. They wouldn't have accepted me if it wasn't for your brilliant writing! '' He leans in and kisses her. Just a touch of their lips that you do if you're extremely happy. Kat returns the smooth wholeheartedly, finally some of the tension and the darkness disappears. She feels like she can breathe again.

Until, suddenly, Stephan is ripped away from her and pushed against the wall across her roughly.

'' What the- ?! '' The man standing in front of her is no one else but the Phantom of the Opera, fully dressed in his shitty Opera attire and he's standing between her and her gay friend. Kat steps closer and grabs a fistful of his coat,

'' Erik! '' Erik tries to attack the other man, his eyes filled with rage and every muscle in his body tensed. The darkness and the numbing pressure returns and it's worse than before. She can't take this much longer.

'' You will never lay a finger on her again! '' Erik growls but Kathrine puts herself between him and Stephen. Her friend looks terrified,

'' What's going on!? '' Kat pushes Erik back,

'' Erik leave him alone! -Steph, run! Get away! ''

'' I'll call the bobbies! ''

'' No! Just go! '' He looks at her another moment but rushes then back to the street. Kat feels dizzy, this is not good, she's going to enter her episode soon if nothing happens. She needs a miracle. Fuck, everything inside her is burning. She grabs her head, tries to breathe calmly but then Erik grabs her on her wrist,

'' I tried. I tried to wait patiently for your return. I tried not to let anger cloud my vision but I will not tolerate anyone touching you ever again! You are mine! No one else can have you! ''

'' He's gay you jackass! '' That stops Erik in his motions. Kat is loosing herself. She needs to call help asap. But Erik is being the number one priority of all her bundled rage so she pushes him hard,

'' You fucking moron! You _still_ don't trust me! I told you I need you with me! And you think I'm going to fuck the next best bloke I spot?! I bloody told you I still love you! I told you that and you…-! '' She has to stop and slaps her hand against her forehead,

'' No, actually I'm the biggest idiot. Because I actually thought you'd have the fucking patience to wait in my shitty flat for 1 fucking bloody hour! I thought I'd come home and find you calm and collected because you know I'd never cheat on you! But of course you didn't even consider to trust me! No, you rather spy after me again and attack the most obvious gay since Elton John just because he touched me! '' All she wanted was to find him at home. All she needed was that. Just that. Nothing else. He could have been mad at her, he could have given her the silent treatment. Just as long as he would have been there. Her heart is howling in her chest, her head is pounding, she feels sick. Everything around her spins. He was convinced she'd cheat on him. He was convinced she would try to shag someone while he's waiting for her.

'' _Surely my presence will not keep you from your whoring any longer.''_

No. No he didn't wait. He didn't because he didn't trust her. He never trusted her. Everything she's done, everything she has given up and forgotten and forgiven him and he didn't even trust her enough to wait for her to come back. 20 minutes. She was 20 minutes gone. That means he never waited. He never sat back. It wasn't the time alone that allowed thoughts of doubt to come up. Because he followed her the moment she left the building.

 _''...there is nothing keeping you from another stranger's bed. ''_

Suddenly there's a heavy weight pressing down on her chest and she's not able to breathe. Tears well up in her eyes as she opens her mouth to try to stay in control. She's suffocating. Her hand moves to her throat, she can't breathe.

'' Kathrine? '' Erik steps closer but she barely pays attention to him. All she can focus on is the rising panic and the sound of her wildly beating heart in her ears. Her muscles are cramping, her head feels as if somebody shattered a bottle on it and the glass is digging deep into her skull. Then her legs give out and she crashes to the ground, the ragged breathing nothing more than high-pitched gasps.

'' Kathrine! '' Erik's voice is the last thing she hears before everything around her becomes black.

* * *

Kat wakes up in her bed. Her head is still pounding, her first instinct is to throw up beside her bed but she can hold it back. Erik is sitting next to the bed on a chair from the kitchen. Seeing him makes it worse. The tingling in her body changing into a stabbing. She feels her muscles flexing. Suddenly she realizes she hasn't taken her meds in 3 days now. Kat tries to tell Erik that he has to call help and get her the meds but he's already speaking up,

'' You suddenly lost consciousness… The doctor, Tony, said that reason for this was a mental break-down. I… believe this was my fault. '' Kat bites her lip and turns her back to him as she feels tears in her eyes. Erik makes no move to stop her, or to turn her back around. He was supposed to stop the pain. He was supposed to keep her soul from breaking. He was supposed to love and trust her. But he didn't. He just made her more miserable. As he left her he did and he didn't stop since then. And for the first time in her life, after being abused by doctors and being lied at and betrayed… for the first time she wants to die. It makes her sick but the thought of suicide suddenly sounds very comforting to her. She could cut her wrists or hang herself. She could put a bullet right between her eyes or take too many pills. It would be so easy and it would end it and it would make the people she loves miserable but she wouldn't even notice. Because she would be gone. Erik couldn't hurt her anymore… and she wouldn't want to forgive him. Kat bites her tongue hard and closes her eyes tightly, a silent attempt to stop the tears from welling up. She wants to give him another chance. And then another. And another. Perhaps he will trust her if she just gives him more chances. Just a few more. Just a handful. She feels sick at herself. How could she fall this low.

'' I cannot let you go. I tried to leave many times within the past 4 hours. I tried give you free… but I can't. I will never be capable to let you go. I cannot. Will not. I love you too much. '' He just won't shut up. The first tear then forces its way out of her eye. If Erik notices that her body begins to twitch every time Kat forces down a sob, he doesn't let her know. She can hear him struggling for words but for a while he's not saying anything. At some point he sighs,

'' Kathrine I am so sorry… I am sorry that I betray you every time you choose to trust me again. I'm sorry I assumed you would sleep with another man. I never had any reason to doubt you and yet I did. I am ashamed of myself. ''

 _Shut up._

'' I accused you of whoring, nothing excuses that. ''

 _Shut up…! Shut up…!_

'' I understand if you cannot forgive me. But please, you have to believe me when I tell you that I'm sorry- ''

 _Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!Shut-_

'' -up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! ''

* * *

He winces as Kathrine suddenly covers her ears as she begins to scream the same two words over and over again. His eyes widen as he watches her crouching in a fetal position, her whole body shaking dangerously.

'' Kathrine? ''

'' Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup! '' He looks around, his throat tightening in panic. What is he supposed to do? How can he help her? Finally his eyes stop on Kathrine's phone. He knows how to make phone calls. That means he can call somebody. But Tony might not be the right person for this right now. No, Kathrine is not in any physical trouble. This is about her mental illness. And Erik knows of only one person who really is informed about all of this. And by god, this will be the hardest call he has and will ever make.

'' _Are you okay? Did something happen?_ '' The Scholar's voice is worried. Erik moved to the living room, watches Kathrine shake and rocking on the bed, muttering and clawing at the pillows.

'' Monsieur Williams. Kathrine- ''

'' _What- How did you get Kat's phone?! Where is she?!_ ''

'' I am in need of your assistance. Kathrine had a… She collapsed after we had an argument and I fear that she might be… I cannot say for sure how to describe it but she is trashing wildly and muttering. Her mood is changing in extremes. I have not experienced one of her Episodes yet but I am almost certain that this is what she is fighting right now. '' There's only a small pause,

'' _I'm on my way._ ''


	6. Chapter 6 -Too Long Captured In Darkness

**Chapter 6 –** Too Long Captured In Darkness

* * *

As he hears the door opening and the scholar coming inside, Erik realizes that he has not moved a muscle in the past 20 minutes he had to wait. Kathrine is moaning and screaming, tossing and turning. In the next moment she's not moving at all, her eyes are wide and staring at the wall without any life in them. She actually scares him. He is glad the Scholar is here. But on his face are many emotions, most of them Erik abruptly realizes are directed at him.

'' Thank you for your quick- ''

'' I'm not doing this for you. '' The Scholar's voice is sharp, his eyes narrowed at him. Erik nods his head, no matter how much he despises the man, he has to cooperate with him now. For Kathrine.

'' Of course not. ''

'' So what happened? '' The older man asks while he examines Kathrine from his position. There's something in the man's eyes that soothes Erik's discomfort. There are no signs of the feeling's Erik at first believed would be there. There is love and worry in the Scholar's eyes, but only parental love. The same love Erik saw in Madam Giry's eyes so many times as she looked at Meg.

'' She broke down. Her friend, Tony, said she had a mental break-down. He assured me that Kathrine would only need some rest and then she'd be fine. But after she woke and I attempted to speak with her, she started yelling. ''

'' What caused the break-down. What happened between you two. '' It is more a demand than a polite question, which partly causes anger to return to Erik's surface but he tries to force it down.

'' I do not think that this is any of your- ''

'' Okay you listen to me now! Kat was a mess those past months. More than usual. If she was triggered into an episode I need to know _what it was_! '' Erik almost flinches at the Scholar's sudden outburst, feeling like a child that was caught stealing candy. Of course he needs to know. The Scholar is the only one who truly understands his beloved's state. Even though Erik would rather not speak about it, it is necessary,

'' As you probably know… our relationship is not especially healthy- ''

'' You don't say. ''

'' But we decided to change that, to work on it. So that we won't be hurting each other any longer. Kathrine offered me that she will talk to her Psychiatrist and get me professional help as well. Of course I agreed. The atmosphere was tensed but a little less painful- until she suddenly told me she'd leave… She wanted to meet someone and I was….'' He trails off for a moment, his eyes averting to the ground in shame,

'' I was certain she's seek out a sexual encounter. I accused her of continuing her whoring now that I am no longer at the threat of death. She slapped me and left. I wanted to wait but couldn't. I followed her, saw her meeting a man who suddenly kissed her.. and I attacked him. Kathrine then told me he was homosexual and yelled at me. Until she broke down. I called Tony for help and we brought her back here. After she briefly woke, I attempted to apologize. That was the moment she entered this state. '' Erik still refuses to look up at the man, his hands curling to fists,

'' She didn't stop until I went into the kitchen out of her sight. I heard her screaming changing into crying but I did not dare to approach. I waited. Made dinner and tea. But as I walked back into the room she was not in the bed. Instead I found her beside it. She was curled into a fetal position, whispering words in both Spanish as well as English but I barely understood anything. I tried to talk to her but… '' Erik begins to shake,

'' As I placed my hand on her shoulder, she attacked me. Her eyes were… different… I have not seen her in this state before. It was… unsettling. I am… aware of the fact that this is my fault. That is why I gave her space. But it did not get better. You were the only one I knew that might be able to help. '' For while there is no answer coming from the man in front of him. Erik is waiting without looking up, waiting for the Scholar to yell at him, to insult him, to tell him how much he ruined Kathrine. And he knows he deserves it all.

'' We might have to restrain her…'' The scholar mutters then and takes a step towards Kathrine. Erik almost as they watch Kathrine apathetically swaying forwards and backwards. She is sitting by now but she looks even worse than she did as she laid. Her legs are crossed, her hands folded in her lap and her eyes blank. She's starring into the empty space, her lips moving as if she is talking to someone. But there are no words leaving her lips. Not even a whisper. Erik narrows his eyes as the sudden urge to scream and cry and destroy everything around him grows in him. How could he do this to her.

'' I am not comfortable with that. ''

'' Yeah, well neither am I but she could hurt herself, or one of us. She could easily kill us if we come close to her. ''

'' I will hold her- ''

'' No. Body contact's just making it worse. You _don't_ touch her when she's in an episode. '' As the scholar sees the clearly displeased look on Erik's face he sighs and runs his fingers through his hair,

'' Did she take her pills? '' The question has him freezing.

'' I… am not sure. '' Erik can almost hear the scholar's thoughts as he looks at him like he would be the most idiotic being on the world. 'What kind of partner are you? How can you not know of something so important'. He might be right… The medication is extremely important for Kathrine and he never even asked about it. Not even as she spent days by his side to make sure he is resting and healing properly. She learned to cook just to prepare him meals that would help his recovery.

And even though he never mentioned it, he heard how often she had to start from new. He pretended to be asleep each time he heard her cursing because he knew she would be checking if he's awake before sneaking out of the apartment to buy new groceries. She sacrificed her life to him and he betrayed her. Again.

'' Kat… where are your pills? '' The Scholar is next to Kathrine as Erik breaks out of his thoughts. His angel does not even flinch at the question. She just continues her swaying and soundless muttering. Slowly, almost as if Kathrine would be a wild animal that could tear him apart at any moment, the scholar sits down on the bed close to her, his voice growing softer, slower,

'' Kat… your pills. Where are your pills? '' The swaying stops. Kathrine froze in her position, her eyes growing a tad wider and a single sound leaves her lips. The scholar scoots closer,

'' Your pills Kat, tell me where your pills are. I need your pills to help you…. Please tell me where your pills are. You know you will feel better if you take them…'' Slowly, as if her head was attached to gears instead of flexible muscles, she turns her head to stare at the scholar.

'' Don't bring me back…'' Erik steps closer slowly, not sure if he should really approach Kathrine now or if he better keeps his distance. After all he is the reason for her current misery. He hurt her, he didn't trust her, he made her become this. How could he let that happen? As they met he was more afraid that she will hurt him, he always feared she was merely toying with him, leaving him when he is most vulnerable. But in the end it was the exact other way around. He hurt her. He left her as she most needed him, as she was most vulnerable. And now he accused her of cheating on him and Erik knows that this probably is what hurt her the most. She gave up her life here in this world to stay beneath the opera with him, down in his dungeons. She allowed him to hurt her just so that he could feel in control and he thought that leaving her would be what's best. All of what has happened was not her fault, never was. And he couldn't see it. But he does now. And yet he is not sure if it is still of any use. Could she really take him back another time? Could he really demand forgiveness, could he plead for it after what he has done to her so many times he can't even count it off on one hand?

'' I won't bring you back, don't worry. But you need to tell me where your pills are. '' The scholar's voice grows a tad softer, as if he's speaking to a child plagued by nightmares. Kathrine's eyes are open but they're dull, the fire and the life that they usually hold has completely vanished. Erik grimaces as his heart begins to hurt in his chest. Suddenly her eyes stop on him and finally there is a flicker of emotion in them. But as he recognizes the emotions, Erik's heart abruptly stops beating in his chest. Fear.

'' Please… please don't hurt me… please… please…'' Everything in him becomes numb. The tense in his muscles disappears and his shoulders slump in defeat. He barely notices how the scholar quickly stands and halfway drags him out of the room. Erik faintly realizes that he is suddenly in the kitchen where he is pushed down on a chair. But before the older man can leave, Erik stand up so quickly that he fears his knees will give out. He curls his fingers into the scholar's shirt and shakes him, his eyes wide,

'' I-I did not,,, I have never- ...Please, you have to believe me! I did not beat her! We fought on occasions- but she won! I-I never- '' He breaks off many times, too numb and in panic to form a proper sentence. The scholar quickly wriggles free from his grip and forces Erik back into the chair,

'' I don't have the time to take care of you too, so get a grip. You wait here, stay right on that chair, don't move. I'll give Kat her pills and come back after that. Just stay put. ''

* * *

'' I'm getting too old for that…'' The Scholar sighs as he drops into the chair across from Erik. Erik can not say how long he was alone, most of the time he was staring at his hands in trance. But now that he is slowly getting back to his senses he notices the glass in front of him. The Scholar is taking a sip of what Erik believes to be whiskey. His hand slowly moves to grab the cup. He downs most of it in one go, the Scholar is not commenting on that. They sit in silence for a while before the older man sighs,

'' Erik I know I can't force Kat to send you away. God knows I want to… but she's a grown woman and that's her job. But if you stay around for longer, even if it's just for a few days, you better finally get your shit together. Because if you pull another stunt like this she'll not be able to take it. I didn't see her before she started her therapy but I know that it must have been as bad as it is now. If she doesn't get better I don't have another choice but to put her back into the clinic. '' Erik takes a moment to process what the other man said before he nods slowly,

'' I understand. ''

'' Do you? Do you really understand what she is going through right now? Because I'm pretty sure you have no bloody clue what this is doing to her. She's always living on edge, she always has to walk on eggshells. The drugs, the alcohol, the sex with strangers, the fighting, she's not just doing that for fun. She's doing it to- ''

'' Stay in control of herself. I know. We talked about it. ''

'' Did she tell you that there is the possibility she could receive brain damage or even die from these episodes? '' Erik becomes pale, his heart stops beating, his hand cramps around the empty glass. The Scholar rises to grab the bottle and refill Erik's glass before sinking back into his chair. There's a serious expression on his face as he focuses on Erik,

'' I take that as a no. How do I explain that… Do you know that a person that stays in coma for too long can be brain dead? ''

'' Yes. ''

'' It's the same with her episodes. Her conscious is pushed aside and emotions that should always be displayed to her in only little potions are ramping through her body. Anxiety is riling up her adrenaline, pain is forcing her heart to beat slower. It's always again a 50% chance she might never get out of that episode again. The more Episodes she has, the higher the risk that she might not survive it. '' The Scholar leans back and Erik notices how tired the man looks.

'' She could have a heart-attack, her brain could just stop to function… Or she just might never come back. Those episodes never last long, two days, maybe 3 at the most. But if she can't come back she might loose herself. That's why I don't want her close to you. It doesn't matter if you love her or if she loves you. Because you're sick too and she's not capable to take care of someone else like that. '' Erik's eyes close as a stab of pain runs through him. The Scholar's words tear through his mind like a hunting knife, ripping open all kinds of wounds, tearing apart his hopes that perhaps they can make this work.

'' You might be right. '' He trails off and finally meets the Scholar's eyes,

'' But I will not leave before I know for sure that she is well. ''

'' Fair enough. I'll get her new pills and some more tea. Keep your hands with yourself. '' The Scholar's eyes sharpen at the last words and Erik's eyes narrow,

'' Are you implying I would touch her without her clear consent? ''

'' You beat her up more than once in the past. Right now she easily says things to hurt you and I'm not sure if I trust that you wouldn't rape her should she reject you. Right now she's not in the condition to defend herself but I will defend her and I don't hesitate to shoot you. '' In a surge of raw anger, Erik slams his palms down on the table as he rises to his feet so quickly the chair almost falls back,

'' I would never do something like this to her! '' Despite the Scholar's previous fear of Erik, right now the man appears rather calm.

'' Yeah? Take a quick look at the bed and say that again. Because this situation is _your_ fault. And somebody who's capable of that, is capable of other things. You know what effect her anxiety has on her and still you threatened to hurt her family! What do you think that did to her!? She forgives you time and time again and all you do is mess up! '' The Scholar's voice started off calm but by the end he is almost as loud as Erik was before. The man stands up and stabs Erik with a glare,

'' You might be different than most guys but you're taking rejection like every other man out there! So just keep your bloody hands with yourself! ''

* * *

Nathan stops dead in his tracks the moment he has the door open a gap. He's singing. The guy's singing to her. Nathan knows what that means, he saw what it did to her the last time. Nathan can't say how he does it but somehow that guy manages to put her under some kind of mind-control if he sings to her in a certain way. He vaguely noticed before but after watching the DVD he really payed attention to it. The way she didn't respond even though she should have heard him trying to break down the door to her room the first time. Or that time on the graveyard, or any other time in that matter.

'' _Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation. Darkness turns… and wakes imagination… silently the senses, abandon the defenses…_ ''

'' Fuckin' idiot. '' He growls to himself as he silently looks around the corner. He told the bastard to stay away from her, to not come close to her. And now he's putting her back under that fucking mind-control shit. Who knows what it does to her now?!

The anger abruptly leaves his mind as he sees the scene in front of him.

Erik kneels on the ground next to the bed, one hand gently touching her wrist where Nathan barely sees his fingers making circles on her skin as his other hand lovingly pets her head. Kat's eyes are closed but there's no terror on her face, her body isn't tensed or shaking. Kat seems surprisingly calm on the body contact, not even her breathing is ragged in any way.

Erik's devoted to her, Nathan gives him that. He keeps a distance to her but also manages to build up just enough contact to calm her. And he actually manages to calm her.

Nathan sighs, if only that lad would get some bloody help already. Because he can't deny that they would make a great couple if he'd just get over this. From what Kat told him, Erik is a good candidate for therapy. Perhaps they can arrange something while Kat is out. The best would be they don't see each other before Erik makes some progress in his therapy.

* * *

'' You can take that thing off, you know. '' Nathan mentions while he calls up Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron for her. Erik flinches barely visible, his voice tight,

'' I rather not. ''

'' Suit yourself. But I've seen it and it ain't that bad. You're a gigantic man-child. '' After putting away the controller, Nathan moves back to the kitchen. He gives Erik a look as he walks past him. The man has his arms at his sides, he looks a bit as if he's pouting- which of course helps his case immensely.

'' I am not! ''

'' Yeah, I rest my case. '' Nathan almost cracks a laugh as Erik throws him a dirty glare. That bastard can frighten him to the bone. In that hideout of his Nathan could almost feel his heart stopping in fear or beating so fast that it might burst any moment. Erik is dangerous and he is capable to look at you in a way that has your knees shaking. He is powerful and proud and sometimes Nathan can easily mistake him for an old man. Right now though, where he is too busy with Kat's condition to keep up that mask, Nathan realizes how much younger he actually is. Just a man in his mid 30s that has never socialized or interacted with relationships much. Someone so afraid of what others might say about that face of his that he will do anything to keep that part hidden.

After a moment he nods towards Kat,

'' Might help 'er though. Seeing something she loves, something she can orientate on. As soon as the hallucinations get better I'll put on Disney for her. ''

'' Yes of course, she clearly stated her love for these movies. They certainly do possess a certain charm that can cast the darkness away and bring light. And yet some… things… seem a bit odd, considering these movies are for children. ''

'' Yeah… the Disney mystery that nobody really can explain. Well one way or the other, Kat adores 'em. I play Lilo and Stitch most of the time. In a loop actually, I just keep playing them. By the time she comes back she can choose on her own. She needs something she loves to hold on to that can pull her back. '' Nathan can see the insecurity flashing through his eyes as his fingers brush his mask faintly. Kat mentioned he has had a really tough life but this is the first time Nathan really allows himself to consider this. He was taken aback as he first saw the deformation. Because personal feelings aside, it just looks nasty. And the rage made it into a fucking horror show. People react to this shit bad in their world, he can only imagine what the reaction in Erik's world looks like. Honestly, the scars on Erik's body Nathan could see in that layer back then shocked him more. Because those scars are nothing to joke about. That weren't poorly treated scratches, that was torture. He saw more than enough injuries on Kat within the years and he can tell if a scar was inflicted on purpose.

It depends on how early the abuse hit Erik and how long it lasted. Kat said it followed him most of his life and Nathan has to admit that he feels a little sympathy for Erik.

'' Erik. '' The man's hand abruptly drops back to his side as if the mask burned him. As he faces Nathan, the older man can't help but feel the teacher in him just take control. Call it old school, but he's still one of those that actually give a shit. He never understood how some of his colleagues can sit there and watch their students suffer right in front of them.

'' Yes? '' He taps his cheek on the same side Erik's mask sits,

'' No worries. It's okay. ''

'' I am in no means in any need of your comfort or your pity. '' The arrogant facade that Erik wears most of the time abruptly returns and it has Nathan groaning in annoyance,

'' Jesus Christ, stop being a bloody pain in the arse. You're, what, 35? 36? Act like a responsible adult that actually gives a damn about the love of his life and drop the victim-attitude. Man up and take the thing off already. And if someone really tries to bully you, beat him to a bloody pulp. We all know you're more than capable of that, and in front of a court that's self defense. '' Erik's defensive stance lessens slightly and Nathan takes a step closer,

'' Somewhere in London there's a guy who has a woman tattooed all over his back and another one sits in jail because he literally killed for her. And you managed to put a ring on her finger, put her in a dress and make her sing in front of a whole auditorium. So cut the bullshit. It's not pretty, so what? People aren't going to pay any attention to your face anyway. '' The teacher meaningfully looks him up and down and Erik abruptly realizes what he means. Kathrine said almost the same to him not long ago.

'' This world is very…''

'' Horny. ''

'' Indeed. I was wondering if it was not only Kathrine who has this type of… appetite. ''

'' I don't want the gory details about you fucking my favorite student, thank you. What I want is that you do everything you have to to help her come back as soon and safe as possible. I've seen it and I don't fucking care so take the bloody thing off already and stop makin' a fuss. '' Erik stares at Nathan for quite some time before he begins to speak with a low voice,

'' Kathrine has voiced her admiration for you several times now. I have not been able to accept her words for what they are until only recently though. But I can understand why she is grateful for your presence. '' Nathan musters the man a moment but Erik already turns and walks back to the bedroom, probably to take his place beside her again. Nathan growls after a moment,

'' You're welcome, you bloody wanker. ''

* * *

Two days have passed since Nathan came to Kathrine's flat to aid Erik. It is a bit of a surprise how well both men get along. They don't fight, only bicker a bit. They manage normal conversations that mostly concern Kat and Erik even made an appointment with a colleague of Kat's doctor. They spoke about it again and Erik agreed it will be for the best. The appointment is in a few days thanks to Doctor Bloomfield's help who pushed the whole thing a bit after Nathan explained the situation to him.

Erik rarely leaves Kathrine's side though. Every time Nathan decides to take a nap- with a gun in his hand, just in case- Erik appears to stay awake. The younger man is not sleeping well but part of Nathan believes he hasn't has any sleep in the last days.

Right now both men settled in the kitchen to eat some takeout Nathan ordered. There's a drink in front of them, to help ease the atmosphere perhaps.

'' I'll be open with you now and I won't repeat myself so listen. '' Nathan begins, abruptly getting Erik's attention.

'' Kat's a mess. She's acting all tough and confident but most of the time she's a broken woman who needs something that takes her mind off the things going on in her head. Her doctor knows about the drugs and he's accepting it to a certain level. She openly tells him how much of what she consumes and if it gets bad he sends her to rehab. '' Erik nods understanding. Part of him wants to interrupt and ask various questions that burn on his tongue but he restrains himself.

'' As much as I hate to say it… but she's one of the people that's just not going to be okay at some point. The therapy and the meds keep it somewhat in control but she's never going to be healthy. If you decide to stick around, you have to realize that. She's not going to have children or turn into a perfect little housewife. If you take her back to the Opera it has to be completely structured. Kat needs access to a boat 24/7, she needs a way to contact her doctor in an emergency and she needs somewhere safe and quiet she can be while an episode. Because they will come up every few months. The one you see right now is a rather calm one. She can become violent to a level that she will attack people she usually holds dear. '' Nathan takes a sip of his drink, allowing Erik to properly take all the information in.

'' You need proper training how to deal with her in that time. Best is you arrange a meeting with her doc and let him smooth you in. You need to be prepared for every possible situation and you have to realize that certain measurements have to be taken. It's not pretty but it's necessary. '' Erik narrows his eyes, an uncomfortable feeling runs through him.

'' Which are? ''

'' Well it depends on how long it's going to last and in what state she is. The restraining is always good. You might have to force feed her or actually slap her out of her mania- which shouldn't be a problem for you considering that you have your fair share of experience in slapping her. '' Nathan is not trying to hide how he feels about Erik and this time there is nothing Erik could do or say to defend his actions. He has hurt her several times and every time he swore that it was the last time. It never was. He hates himself for it, he hates how he's not able to control himself. He wishes he could do anything about it but he can't. Kathrine was right, his apologies are meaningless if he only ends up doing it again. The older man's actions in the Opera have quickly changed from protecting Kathrine to personal hate and Erik cannot take it bad on him. If Erik was in his position, he'd react the same way.

As he can no longer stand the teacher's eyes, Erik looks down at his hands. He expects the man to react to it but to Erik's surprise nothing of that comes.

'' She wasn't in love before, she was never in a relationship. She carelessly told me that she lost her virginity to some stranger in the back of his car and that she can't even remember it properly because of how pissed she was. Trust me if I tell you that it's not sexist if I say that women always dream about the perfect first time. I know you haven't been in that situation before either. And that is what makes this thing even more complicated. '' After the Scholar has finished, Erik nods grimly,

'' You are right, I have never been in any kind of relationship before. Whether friendly nor romantic. My life has been isolated from the world, as you certainly know. Interpersonal contact is extremely difficult for me. I lack experience in how to handle or how to react to certain situations but I am learning. This world offers a lot of assistance, opposite to my own one. But you can trust me if I tell you that I am trying my best to learn these things. Kathrine is teaching me a lot about this but of course Kathrine's way to handle life is not the common way either. I am closely watching what substances she uses and I try to reduce them. I tried to talk her out of the illegal fights as well once but I realized that she is in desperate need of this. I am accompanying her to every fight and I am always close enough to help her in case she needs it. Furthermore am I telling her when to stop. She is… not especially interested in listening to the signs her body gives her. If I see that her body is too tired, I tell her to stop. '' Nathan was listening patiently. The sudden change of his entire posture has Erik tensing a bit. There's sympathy in the older man's eyes. As if Erik is missing a big point, as if there is something he simply does not understand.

'' You really don't realize that you won't be able to control yourself just because you learn interpersonal relationships, do you? The only way for you to learn to control all that is to get professional help. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for her. That appointment is a good start, but it'll take time before something changes. The feelings for you put her off enough already. She's capable to handle herself but she's not capable to handle herself healthily. The self-destructive impulses are out of her control. She knows they're wrong, she cries and screams at herself sometimes but she can't stop it. That can be drugs or alcohol or picking a fight with some stranger on the street. There's a lot of rage in her and she's not going to be a nice person if you take the street fights from her. Trust me, I've tried. Her Doc tried. She was off the streets for a few weeks but she really needs those. She hurts herself faster if she is not fighting. It helps her to release the steam and if that option is no longer available, she'll let it out on herself. She might cut herself or burn her skin. Or increase the substances. There's a lot of things she could do to herself and you have to be prepared for it all. Because even with the fights it's going to happen. But your solution for this is actually a good one. '' It feels odd to have the Scholar praise Erik for something. The older man takes a sip from his drink and scratches his neck uncomfortably. This time he is the one to avoid eye-contact with Erik,

'' The episodes are the biggest problem. Hell, the first time I've seen her in one… I just broke down crying like a baby the moment I was sure she's safely tucked away in the clinic. Sometimes I think that it becomes too much for me to take care of her and I want to leave. '' He meets Erik's eyes again and leans in a bit,

'' This probably sounds really harsh but you just have to realize that the woman you love is a ticking time bomb that explodes over and over and over. Most of the time she's stable and you might forget she's sick at all. But as soon as the episode comes up, all you want to do is get out. Fast. ''

'' No. '' Erik responds smoothly. Confident. The Scholar gives him a sympathetic look,

'' It's okay to admit it. Kat knows- ''

'' No. I do not have to admit to anything. Kathrine's state is horrible, more so than I imagined. It scares me and it pains me to see her like this. But there is nothing she could become that drains me enough to think about abandoning her. Nothing. Even if her condition becomes worse and she will spend more time in this state than in her healthy one I will never leave her. I will learn how to care for her and I will do so for the rest of my life. ''

'' Even if she cheats? '' Suddenly Erik's stance falters and Nathan sighs, he really doesn't wanna do this.

'' Don't get me wrong, okay? She's absolutely against it. She would never do so… intentionally. But just like you get lost in your head, she gets lost in hers. And if all the things she usually uses to tick people off doesn't work with you, she might use something that would. There are a lot of self-destructive instincts in her and she tries to fight them, but they're always stronger. If you stay for longer in France she is not putting off her stress in fights anymore and if she has the feeling she has to test you yet again, you have to expect that her behavior becomes more nasty if you don't react to her tricks like she expects it. '' The thought that Kathrine might cheat on him just to test how loyal and devoted he is to her tastes bitter on his tongue. He would loathe her for a while, of course, but he would forgive her. Should he ever find out who she betrayed him with though, he will make sure that person will not have the chance to touch his beloved again.

His grip on the glass tightens as a burning rage surges through him. Slowly he meets Nathan's eye again,

'' I will not lie. I would kill the man she uses for that… test. But I will be able to forgive her. '' Nathan's eyes narrow,

'' My feelings about you are mixed, Erik. I can see how much she means to you and I believe everything you said. But beside that you also hurt her. And you are very creative at that. If you really want to help her, you have to move on. Get help and learn to accept what happened to you. I don't know what it was, but I can see evidence that tells me it was nothing pretty. '' Nathan sees Erik's fingers twitch. He has become pretty damn good at spotting these small things in the time he was caring for Kat. And that Erik feels the need to touch his mask is a proof how shitty he feels about it.

'' You're a nutter. Fact. And without professional help you will never recover. But opposite to Kat you _can_ recover. PTSD is a bitch but it's treatable. That's gonna take time, sure. It's gonna be hard too. But you can wake up at some point and live your life without feeling like you have to keep your guard up all the time. ''

Before any of them can say another word, they notice the figure standing by the door. Kat's eyes are empty, blank like a soulless shell. Erik makes a move to say something but Nathan quickly raises his hand, gesturing him to stay silent. For a while Kat only stands at the door, her eyes flickering through the room, her lips moving but no sound leaving them. Like a machine she suddenly staggers to the table and grabs the bottle of whiskey that the men were sharing. She raises the bottle to her lips without removing the cup. Upon realizing there is no alcohol reaching her mouth, she lets the bottle slip from her grasp. It shatters on the ground with a loud noise but she is not reacting other than staring at it.

'' Kat…'' Nathan begins as Kat drops to the ground and picks up the biggest shard. She stares at it and closes her hand around it. Her grip tightens. With her head titling to the side she opens her hand to find that the glass cut into her skin. Before Nathan can stop him, Erik slides from his chair to the ground and kneels down in front of her and holds out his hand,

'' Kathrine, give me that. '' Her hand closes around the shard again. Nathan watches how Erik's eyes narrow,

'' _Kathrine_. '' His usually smooth voice changes into a commanding sound and it actually causes Kat to look at him.

'' I told you to give me that. '' It takes a while but slowly Kat is cooperating. She places the shard in his hand but Erik's eyes remain locked with her,

'' Now go back to bed. '' As Kat complies once again, Nathan whistles as soon as she left the kitchen to make her way back to bed,

'' Okay. That was pretty impressive. ''

* * *

Kat regains some of herself after Erik decided to not listen to Nathan's advice any longer and use his Phantom-commanding-self instead. At first the older man wanted to stop him but whenever Kathrine started struggling or screaming, Erik's new course seemed to work wonders. Kat's more violent side was triggered only a few hours before she got better. It all happened very fast. One moment she was pouncing at Nathan, her hands wrapping around his throat, the next Erik suddenly sat beside her and told her to release him. Just like Kat once protected Nathan from the Phantom's wrath, Erik now protects him from Kat.

'' Kathrine! Release him! '' His voice is a low shout, sharp and dominant. Kat's hands remain solid for a moment. Then, very slowly, her grip loosens and she slides off him. It's the moment she seems to regain some sense because she sits on her knees, shaking, tears in her eyes as she stares at her hands.

'' _I'm sorry._..'' Her voice is hoarse from the screaming, breaking all the way through her words. While Nathan sits up slowly and shifts a bit away from her -just in case- Erik scoots closer and kneels right in front of her. He holds out his hand,

'' Do not worry my love, everything is alright. '' Kat finally looks up at Erik, the emptiness almost completely faded from her eyes but tears blurry them. As her focus shifts to Nathan, the tears fall down her cheeks.

'' I'm so sorry…! '' The first violent sob shakes her whole body. Kat buries her face in her hands, sobbing violently. Erik seems to take that as his cue because he moves closer, clearly stepping into a dangerous zone. The younger man looks at him briefly before focusing on Kat again,

'' _Wandering child, so lost, so helpless… Yearning for my guidance..._ '' Nathan remembers the song, it's the one he sang to her on the cemetery just before they fought and Kat had to stop the Phantom from slicing him apart. Back then he did everything he could to stop him. Now he is taking some distance, allowing Erik to try his luck. Because Kat's shaking ceases a bit.

'' _Too long you've wandered in darkness… far from my protective gaze..._ '' Erik's voice is soft now, actually really bloody good, too. Even if Nathan probably won't ever say that out loud. Kat on the other hand stops shaking entirely and rises her head just enough to glance at Erik.

'' _Your mind resists yet your soul obeys.._.''

'' _Angel of music, don't deny me. Turn from that brutal darkness… Angel of Music do not shed me, return to me now my sweet angel._..''

'' _I am your master of Music, come to me angel of music._.." Kat's hand moves slightly, hesitant.

'' _I am your master of Music, come to me angel of music…!_ '' As Kat's hand finally rests on Erik's, the younger man slowly places his other hand on top of hers, squeezing comforting. Kat looks from their hands up into Erik's eyes,

'' Erik...''

'' Si… Estás a salvo, mi amor… Puedes calmarte ahora…'' (You are safe, my love. You can calm down now.) Nathan's Spanish is is horrible but whatever it is Erik just said, seems to soothen her. Her lips are twitching for a moment,

'' Erik…'' Kat's eyes close for a brief moment, she must be exhausted now. Erik patiently waits for her to find the strength to continue. Slowly, Kat looks at him again but her own eyes present coldness beside the clear exhaustion,

'' I hate you...'' Erik freezes. To Nathan this comes as a shock as well but Erik looks as if his entire world just broke apart and took everything from him he ever loved. Every muscle in the younger man's body loosens but his hands remain clasped around Kat's, as if holding on would change what she just said. Kat's eyes aren't fully focused, not entirely open. She's drained, the past months took too much out of her and her body is at a point where she needs some proper rest.

'' Kathrine- ''

'' No… just… just...'' She closes her eyes again and frowns, tries to find the right words for whatever she wants to say. She swallows hard, bites her lip but for a while there's not a word coming from her trembling lips. As Erik tries to release her though, Kat's eyes open and she holds on just enough to stop him,

'' No! I just… I-I need to take a shower now...'' Her head drops. Nathan has never gone that far in caring for her that he helped her with that. And right now she is clearly not fit enough to do this on her own. Just as Nathan opens his mouth to deny her that, Erik cuts him off,

'' Please allow me to help. ''

'' Kathrine… hate me as you like, I know I deserve it. But allow me to help you for now. You are clearly not in the right state to do this on your own. ''

'' Por favor mi amour...'' It takes a while but finally Kat nods and allows Erik to pick her up in his arms. He's gentle, loving. Exactly as he's supposed to be and Nathan has to admit that he really is devoted to her. Once Erik got some proper help, there might be a chance for them to really be together. As Erik walks past him in the attempt to reach the bathroom, their eyes meet. Kat has her head buried in his neck, breathing softly. Both men nod at each other and while Erik moves to the bathroom, Nathan gets comfortable in the kitchen again.

* * *

With the door closed behind them, Erik breathes out but won't let his thoughts begin to wander. He has an important task at hand, everything else has to wait for now. Kathrine's confession still echo through his head and make his entire self hurt but even that has to wait. This is his chance to prove he will be helpful. It's the least he can do, after all this whole mess is entirely his fault.

'' Kathrine, I will let you down now so that I can fill the tub…'' He keeps his voice low and gentle but Kathrine is not answering. She turned into a lifeless shell again. Hopefully the water will help her a bit. Erik lowers her onto the closed toilet seat. At first he fears she might fall if he is not holding her but Kathrine sits still, her eyes dancing around but never meeting his gaze.

With a sigh he begins to quickly fill the tub, adding all kinds of substances that Kathrine once used. The scent of herbs abruptly calms his nerves, even if it's just a bit. Kathrine seems to be affected as well because her eyes have stopped moving around, she's solely focused on him now even if she's still not meeting his eyes.

'' May I help you out of your cloths? '' Erik asks as he kneels down before her. A short nod is all he needs. Carefully Erik helps Kathrine out of her clothing, always ensuring to work slowly and gently. His fingers never brushing her skin longer than they absolutely need to. His eyes don't drink in her perfect skin as she is bare, no impure thought is crossing his mind as he carefully helps her sit in the tub. With the same cloth he saw her washing herself before he gently scrubs the sweat and the bit of dirt off her body. His heart is breaking in his chest as Kathrine moves no millimeter while that. Not even as water runs just past her eyes or as he lifts her arm or changes her position. She is like a doll. Erik lifts her arm and it remains in that position until her muscles give out or he moves it back to her side. She is not lowering her arm on own account. It lowers like it has no joints but gears that lock in hardly.

'' I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few days… I thought you deserve to know. '' Erik mutters while gently smoothing the shampoo along her skin with his hands now. The dirt came off, now he will try to relax her muscles a bit. Her skin is still smooth as always but Erik notices the tensed muscles, especially in her shoulders and back. The tossing and tensing sure left marks on her. He finds bruises and scratches that she inflicted upon herself. Especially with the scratches Erik is very careful to only wash them with water.

'' Erik...'' Just as he tries to start on her hair, Kathrine's voice has him once more halting. Part of him fears she will repeat herself or tell him to leave her alone. But as her eyes meet his, he sees no hate in them, no coldness. Just exhaustion.

'' I'm proud of you. ''


	7. Chapter 7 - Love Never Dies

**Chapter 7** – Love Never Dies

* * *

Kat fell asleep shortly after the bath and on the next morning she feels more like herself again, more in control. The voices faded out and the shadows no longer try to swallow her. Her body aches, her muscles are tense and bruised. After testing her footing to check whether or not her body is ready to be put under a certain pressure again, she stretches. Does a bit of workout. Due to the days she abandoned her training, it becomes a bit harder to do the usual procedure but that'll quickly change.

Erik isn't next to her while that but the scent coming from the kitchen and the rustling inform her that he's working on breakfast. Kat faintly remembers that he told her about that appointment he made, she'll have to ask him about that. After the part in her that is tired of getting hurt over and over told Erik that she hates him, she felt sick and disgusted by herself. She saw his reaction and it made things worse. After that most things barely reached her. He asked her if he may help her, he bathed her, he spoke to her gently and carefully.

Nathan sits on the couch in the living room the whole time, watching her discreetly but not speaking up. The memory of her attacking him leaves a sting in her heart, it was over quickly and there are no visible marks on him but that doesn't change anything about the fact that it happened. If it hadn't been for Erik's strange power over her, she might have hurt him.

Honestly, Kat has no idea why he's going through this over and over again. Why he hasn't left her already. But despite her being unable to understand it, Nathan has never made any comment about going.

For a moment Kat doesn't know what to do, who to approach first. She always feels so embarrassed after her Episodes that, right now, she'd love to just drop dead so she won't have to confront anyone who saw it. She's a grown woman who can't be left unsupervised because she's incapable to handle herself, how fucked up is that.

Sinking down on the couch next to Nathan has her muscles tensing up a bit more. At first Nathan isn't even looking at her, just staring at the space in front of him. Then, with a sigh, he takes the pack of cigarettes from her table and offers her one. Once she accepted one, Nathan takes one as well and lights both of them.

'' Better? '' His voice breaks the silence after they both take the first pull. She nods a bit grimly before taking another pull,

'' Yeah… Sorry for… y'know… attackin' ya….'' Speaking isn't easy either. Her throat hurts, her tongue refuses to work like she wants.

'' Don't worry bout that. 'm fine. Erik has a… very strange control over you. '' Nathan's voice is so calm it almost ticks her off. There's no anger, no pain or disgust and she can't understand it. After everything she put him through he's still taking her side. And once again Kat is face to face with how much this idiot loves her, how much she loves him. Without him she wouldn't be who she is now. He helped her through school, he cares for her whenever he knows she needs it and he never once complained. Not even now, after she attacked him. The sudden sting in her eyes calls her out of her thoughts and she realizes that she has tears in her eyes. Kat titles her face towards the ceiling, trying to get her mind off all these feelings as she suddenly realizes something that has her smiling softly,

'' I never heard ya usin' his name. '' Nathan huffs as he leans back,

'' Well I gotta admit that the bloke's really trying. Even made an appointment with that friend of your Doctor. ''

'' He told me. ''

'' And what's your plan now? '' Kat shrugs, her leg twitches as she looks at the cigarette in her hand,

'' I'm not sure...'' Nathan shifts beside her and Kat abruptly knows how soft his voice will be now,

'' Well… Maybe you should take some distance for a while. I think he's sensible enough to accept that it might be for the best to go into the psyche-ward for a couple of weeks. Find his footing in reality, come to his senses and learn some control. Perhaps receiving proper medication. '' A painful smile comes to her lips because everything in her screams. Two sides fighting a war as it always has been. Just that right now the situation might actually change. She can't let him go, not now, not ever. But something has to change before another situation like this comes up.

'' That might be for the best, yeah… I mean… I can still visit him and it's probably only going to be a few weeks. Enough for both of us to heal a bit and… maybe realize what we need. '' She pauses for a moment, takes a calming breathe,

'' I'm not sure I can still trust him right now… I know he loves me and he wants to change but...'' She noticed Erik standing at the door-frame for a while now but only now she's looking up to meet his eye. There's not much emotion in them but the pain is clearly visible. This would upset her more if she wouldn't see how calm he is, he understands without making a fuss. Perhaps seeing her the past days has kicked some sense into him. The problem is: It won't last long. And she will always take him back, no matter what he does.

'' The will to change alone won't help. Something needs to be done, things can't go on the way they do. Even if there's gonna be nice days, the bad will always outweigh that and I'm not sure if I can take much more at this point. ''

'' If you think this is the only way, Kathrine… I will do whatever needs to be done. '' His voice is firm, he's actually being honest right now. He agrees that leaving her for a while might be for the best. Part of Kat wants to vomit, to cry and shout and cling to him. If she allows that part to win, their relationship will soon be past saving. Nathan flinches a bit as Erik speaks up, he obviously didn't notice the other man entering the room. While Kat is incapable to move or say anything because she fears her words might betray her, Nathan quickly picks up the responsibility to answer Erik,

'' You can bring this up at your appointment. '' Erik nods, his body tense. For a few seconds they remain silent.

'' I… have prepared breakfast. '' Erik mutters before returning to the kitchen. Kat's heart feels heavy in her chest. Saying goodbye to Erik, even if only for a little while, will be much to bear, maybe too much. If she won't go through with this though, things will never change -and things need to change. Quickly and profoundly. It's not like she will be cut off of him or never see him again, just for a little while. The first couple of days so that he can settle in and get used to the new environment. Sounds a bit like she's talking about a puppy that switches homes to her but honestly, it's a little bit like that. Then again, Erik never left France before, or the Opera for that matter. Dropping him off at the clinic might not be the best course, personal feelings aside, it could cause even more damage. Ultimately Erik is doing this for her sake, not his. Which is the wrong way to go at this to begin with. But all that are only speculations. In the end it's Erik's new Doc who will say what's the next step, not Kat, not Erik and not Nathan.

With a sigh, Kat gets to her feet and waits for Nathan to follow before making her way to the kitchen.

* * *

Breakfast is mostly silent. Kat is still too drained to talk much, she's exhausted and captured in a constant battle. Part of her wants- no, needs- Erik to do this no matter what. It's definitely the best option they have right now. But at the same time there is this small part nagging about it not being the right time. Therapy is something very private, if the patient has no motivation to do it for himself, how can there be any lasting effects? Honestly, she can't get herself to let this go. She's truly glad he does it for her and for their relationship, but if he doesn't think he needs it simply because he wants to get better to enjoy his life more profoundly, Kat isn't sure if it's gonna be very effective. Or if he's going to be honest. She told him a few things about Therapy, yeah, but all in all he has no idea what is going to happen there.

* * *

Nathan finds himself observing both Kat and Erik stealthily over breakfast. After seeing Erik's devotion over the past days, he notices that his feelings for the man changed a great deal. Kat told him all about the way he is before, sure, but he couldn't truly make himself a mental picture of the situation. Not after everything that he did see at the Opera. After her disappearance after the show, he was worried sick and angry but it wasn't until she returned injured that he truly began to direct his hate and his desire for revenge at the Phantom. And from that point, Kat's attempt to make him see this devotion was a lost cause anyway. Now that he's seen it this closely, he can say that he understands Kat a bit better.

Their relationship is still toxic and something needs to be done but Nathan sees Kat less as a victim now. And he realized that he won't reach anything by pushing Kat like this. It is her life, she is a grown up, he is not her father- at least not really. He will help her and gently let her know that she will have to make sure to not slip back into this again.

* * *

Erik is not looking up from his own plate much, only if he has to grab something. While he was aware of their situation, hearing Kathrine just now made it even clearer that he can't let this continue, not any longer. He has to realize that there was a line he crossed too many times, he has to do so for longer than a few moments. He was, at first, not very fond of the idea to seek help but by now he is more than glad about the appointment. Not only for Kathrine's sake, for his own as well. He wants to enjoy what life has given him without the constant doubt and anger tormenting his mind. Kathrine has stood through enough but he could never leave her. So he will make sure that he can be safe to be around. Kathrine is a beautiful, fragile, dangerous woman who pretends to be all tough and cold sometimes but her heart is pure. Life has given him a chance to be happy, to enjoy his life even with that abhorrent face of his.

Erik likes to imagine what it will be like once they have everything worked out. Kathrine has a lot of people who care for her, she has many people who know her and she likes to go to certain pubs or bars. Will she take him along if she leaves for these destinations? Will she permit him to bathe in the jealous glares that will be directed at him for having a woman like Kathrine at his side? Should he be granted to touch and kiss her in public, where everyone can see and gloat that Kathrine belongs to him, he'd be the happiest man alive.

Will Kathrine introduce him as her Partner to her friends? Hopefully he will be able to gain their favors, hopefully he won't ruin things. _Again_.

* * *

'' What now? '' Kat sighs as she rolls her head in her neck, her body is still stiff despite the small exercise she did after waking up but that was to be expected.

'' I'll make sure he's goin' to this appointment but unless the Doc tells us otherwise, I won't find him another place to live. I think that might lash back in the end, he has barely been outa his dungeons and now I'm supposed to strand him in another world? I don' think so. ''

'' True. For most people a Psyche ward is the best option but I can't say that the same goes for him… As long as he can behave himself it might be for the best to let him stay. And… I will admit that I see what you were talking about back then. The devotion. It needs work but there's- ''

'' Something there? '' She offers with a smirk and he has spent enough time with her and in his job to abruptly realize she's hinting at Beauty and the Beast. And judging by the shift in his expression, she'd say he's also getting the irony behind that.

'' Just shut up. -Do you still remember the week after Emma Tyler? ''

'' The suicide in my 12th grade? Sure, what about it? '' Kat abruptly notices how he flinches as she mentions 'suicide'. Emma was a nice girl but she was different and opposite to Kat completely helpless. The typical victim for bullying, at least for the sake of personality. She wasn't ugly or anything, she was quite beautiful in fact. She was thin, perfect skin and teeth, amazing blue eyes, blond curly hair. But it was a bit like Hannah Baker in 13 Reasons why: It all started with one rumor and got out of control too quickly. The Teachers barely cared and those who did, noticed too late. Kat barely knew her, in fact, they only spoke twice before Emma killed herself- but she was a nice girl who didn't deserve it.

 _Kat stretches but stops mid-way to wince. The broken ribs healed nicely but they still ache in certain movements, especially since the fight two days ago that she accepted to too eagerly. The hospital told her two weeks strict bed rest but it would have been dumb to say no to this one. Easy opponent with limited kick boxing skills who used to be an old fan-favorite so the bets were up in the air. If it wasn't for her circulation being a cunt all of the sudden, she had never received that kick to the stomach and her ribs would be dandy. Dumb luck, dumber decision, worth it anyway._

 _What she really could have done without was the detention she got from Mr. Williams for falling asleep in the middle of his lesson and the way he used that opportunity to try to appeal to her common sense. Yes, taking a bit too many Morphine pills was reckless considering that he's on her tail about the drugs anyway but honestly, she couldn't care less. So she leaves school an hour later than everyone else and decides to have a drink before she goes home. However, just as Kat lightened a cigarette, she notices the 4 girls standing in front of another one. Kat allows herself to observe the situation from her position and watches the ginger girl in focus of everyone attempt to walk away but one of the 4 grabs her on her hair and rips on it so that the ginger stumbles back with a scream of pain. The furious four laugh at her pain and another one walks closer to spit into her face. The ginger is shaking so bad that even Kat sees it. One side of Kat wants to walk away and stick to her plan to have a drink somewhere, another part wants to step in. The 5 girls go to her school if she's not mistaken and if no one helps little red riding hood, she's probably about to have a really unpleasant evening._

 _With a sigh Kat pulls on her cigarette again and approaches the group,_

'' _4 against one. Not very fair, is it. '' The 5 heads abruptly turn to Kat and two of them shrink back almost instantly. After she beat up that guy in the bus, people keep doing that as if they expect the same treatment any moment. Unless they touch her ass without her consent too, that reaction is a bit dumb but hey, she won't bite the hand that feeds her and the more people keep out of her sight the better. The leading-bitch seems unfazed as she takes a threatening step towards her,_

'' _Stay out of this and get lost bitch. ''_

'' _I'd love to honey but what can I say, playing knight in shining armor for pretty girls always makes me tingly. '' Kat's smirk only seems to irritate her further. There's a bell ringing in her head that tells her she's seen this group before but she honestly can't remember if she ever noticed them for anything else than just being in the same school._

'' _The fuck do you want! ''_

'' _Depends on whether or not you keep pissing me off. Don't you have any beauty contests to loose or is bullying classmates a new form of exercise these days? Bloggers really ran out of their ideas. '' Despite Kat's lacking aggressive stance, the two girls who flinched back do not move a muscle in terror and the girl right behind the leader is trying to stand her ground with shaking hands and dilated pupils. Kat learned to spot certain characteristics of the human body in different situations. During her time in the psyche wards she likes to read rather than watch. It helps her to stay in control of her mind, to stay fit. The exercise keeps her body fit, reading or playing games allow her to use her brain. Kat can't say for sure how many times she read all Sherlock Holmes books but it's pretty safe to say that it's been more than 3 times. Same goes for Agatha Christie and Stephen King. For her next stay she's just bought herself everything of Cody McFadyen for her next stay._

 _Sherlock's deduction skills always fascinated her the most though, the way he can read someone like a book by noticing tiny things. No matter how much Kat tried, she never managed to do it like him. But that doesn't mean she didn't learn anything at all and in certain situations it comes in handy to spot a few things right away- especially if she's fighting someone. Verbally or Physically, if you're capable to read your opponent's body language correctly, winning becomes very easy._

'' _You don't scare me, my brother got the black belt in Karate, he'll kill you if you touch me. '' This girl has faith in her brother's strength and brutality- she has every reason for that. Even Kat heard about the guy. He didn't last long in any school, spent two years in jail for mayhem and drugs, even shot his own mate for staring at his sister's ass. If Kat was in this girl's place, she'd probably feel the same. Just that Kat isn't in her place and even with her ribs bruised she can easily take her brother-dearest out._

'' _Ah yes, Robert, right? ''_

'' _Tom. ''_

'' _Whatever. You can try again with your brother if it makes you feel better but unless you want me to give you a reason for plastic surgery sooner than planned, I'd advice you to get tap tap moving into the other direction. And the next time I see any of you harassing my cute friend here, you better have your brother around, Betty. '' One of the girls that flinched back before and refused to move, finally seems to come out of her rigidness. She closes the gap to Beth without taking her eyes from Kat for longer than a second and puts her hand on Beth's shoulder,_

'' _She ain't joking, we should go...'' Kat points at the girl and wiggles then her fingers in a dismissive gesture. The plastic blond at the front is spitting fire by now. Neither of the four make any move to respond, though so Kat sighs after allowing them a little longer to pack up some courage. She pulls on her cigarette again and places her hand on her hip,_

'' _Of course, if you'd prefer that, you can call your brother here now and we settle this right here. '' Kat allows the bad shape her hands are in to fluidly become part of her impression on the girls so as she cracks her knuckles and the noise is a bit louder than normal. Beth grits her teeth in the attempt to hide the way she moves into a position that allows her to run more easily behind anger. To Kat if feels like an eternity passes before Beth makes another attempt at threatening her,_

'' _We're not done yet! Next time my brother will- '' As Kat pretends to charge at her, all 4 of them jump back and a few moments later, they're gone. The girl who is now left still refuses to speak up, which is perfectly okay for Kat. She did her job and protected someone younger who goes to her school from bullies, no need to have a heart to heart._

'' _Oh of course, Mean Girls! Knew I saw 'em before. '' The girl flinches as Kat face-palms. She takes the last pull of her cigarette then and stomps it out on the ground._

'' _Why did you help me? ''_

'' _Last time I checked, bullying was still wrong and we're supposed to step in if we see it happening. Especially if we're older than the victim and/or the bully and we go to the same school. ''_

'' _Thank you… They follow me home all the time, I tried to defend myself but…'' Despite Kat's quite persistent urge to turn around and leave to avoid hearing her whole life story, she can't help but feel a bit of sympathy. The girl's eyes are dull with sadness and exhaustion, whatever the plastics wanted from her, they're probably not the only ones making her life hard. So Kat sighs and lightens another cigarette,_

'' _What's their problem? '' A painful smile comes to her lips as she gives a single, hollow laugh,_

'' _You mean you haven't heard what people say about me? ''_

'' _Not really, I rather stay away from all the gossip girl bullshit. I have a hard enough time bringing myself to come to school and pay attention without having to engaging in social activities as well. ''_

'' _I was going out with this boy… I thought he liked me but… he didn't… After that it just got worse and worse. At first people just spoke behind my back but now they come after me. They terrorize me online, I deleted my Facebook page and changed my number but they don't stop. '' Kat exhales slowly,_

'' _Ever considered to take self-defense lessons? You know, boost the confidence and knock a couple of heads together so that people leave you alone. ''_

'' _I just hope they'll leave me alone at some point. That's how it works, right? People grow older and they'll leave you alone...''_

'' _Do you actually believe that? ''_

'' _I don't know…'' There's something about the way this girl suddenly smiles at her that causes an odd stabbing in her temple. The girl's smile isn't reaching her eyes, they're still dull and her eyelids are twitching. This is defeat, this is depression, Kat has seen this exact expression before but she can't say on who._

'' _I-I'm Emma, by the way. You're in 12th grade, right? Teachers talk about you a lot...'' Emma mentions the last part in a quieter tone. Kat smirks proudly at the info and shrugs,_

'' _Next time someone harasses you, come find me. I'm in the smoking area most of the time. ''_

 _Emma never came to her but Kat honestly didn't waste too many thoughts about it. In fact, she was quite grateful for it because the look was making her uncomfortable and she'd really like to avoid this feeling._

* * *

 _\- 2 weeks later -_

* * *

 _The next and last time Kat spoke to Emma was just before the first break started. Kat slept in and her interest in math is not intense enough for her to hurry so she chose to skip that and arrive there after the first two hours. However, just as she was about to enter school grounds, she hears someone whimpering behind one of the dumpsters. Out of curiosity she sneaks closer to see who it is._

 _Kat didn't expect to find Emma sitting there with her knees pressed to her chest and her arms tightly wrapped around them. No, Kat did not expect the girl to have this emptiness in her eyes that would almost make her look like she's dead already if it wasn't for the shadow of pain. She's rocking forwards and backwards a bit but Kat doubts that Emma even notices this. This is what it looks like if someone is drowning in their depression, this is what it looks like at the bottom of this ocean._

'' _What's up buttercup? '' Emma flinches as Kat sits down across from her and breaks out of her trance but her eyes barely change. The last time Kat saw Emma, her blue eyes were sad but still sparkling. Now there are dark rings under her eyes and her face has become paler. She lost weight too, if Kat is correct. The jeans she wears are the same she wore as they met but now she has to use a belt for it._

'' _Kat...'' Emma's voice breaks as she whispers Kat's name, she sounds hoarse, as if she was screaming a lot lately._

'' _What happened? ''_

'' _They...'' She stops and Kat watches thick tears streaming down her cheeks before moments later her body begins to shake violently while she sobs. As if she held everything in and allows to let go now. Kat's not a hundred percent cool with it but in the end she shifts to sit next to Emma so that the younger girl can hide her face in Kat's neck while holding on to her for her dear life,_

'' _Shh, calm down honey… You're safe… I won't let them touch you… just calm down… everything's going to be okay...'' The biggest lie to have ever been told is to say that one day everything is going to be fine. But Emma held on to hope the last time and Kat hopes that this positive energy is still somewhere inside her._

'' _What did they do to you, Emma? It's okay, you can tell me...'' Kat rubs her back soothingly, waits patiently for Emma to decide whether or not she wants to trust Kat or if she's too afraid Kat might mess with her as well. Honestly, Kat wouldn't say anything if she was Emma. Trusting others is not part of her DNA, not anymore. Hopefully Emma isn't like Kat, hopefully she has this usually typical sort of positive nature in her that allows her to speak up._

'' _They tried to… to force me to... kill myself… They said someone like me doesn't deserve to be alive. Two of them held me and- '' A violent sob cuts her off and the crying becomes worse. But Kat already noticed what they did to her, she can see the red stains on her shirt._

'' _Can I take a look? '' Kat keeps her voice as gentle as she can while threading her fingers through Emma's hair gently. Something has taken a hold of Kat, something that feels familiar as if she is re-living a memory of hers. But it's not a memory and Kat has no idea what memory causes this. One way or the other, this feeling influences her urge to protect Emma to a dangerous level. She can already feel the anger broiling through her veins while she sees a handful of things she could do to these 4 sluts._

 _They carved the word 'whore' into her back. It's not very deep, if she takes proper care of it she might be lucky and it'll heal without leaving a scar. There's a white stain on the collar of her shirt Kat didn't notice before. If she's correct and the stain is what she thinks it is, this is no longer bullying, it's a crime._

'' _Was Betty's brother with them? '' Emma winces and that's all the answer Kat needs. As much as she wants to leave the topic alone, she has to find out what happened exactly._

'' _What did he do...''_

'' _He said… if I'm the school slut anyway… I can..- H-He made me… -I tried to get away or bite him but he hit me as I bit him and I was so afraid that I couldn't move and I-I I just- I just let it happen. I can still… taste it…- '' Suddenly Emma leans the other way to throw up. Kat's ready to murder them. This is no longer simple bullying, this is torture. Seriously, what the hell happened to spitting at people or hitting them? Since when did bullying turn into this fucked up sadistic-psycho-torture shit? Kat saw the videos of girls beating up other girls and filming it while laughing but Emma was cut, she was beaten and she was sexually assaulted._

'' _You were right…! You were right I-I should have… I should have come to you… I…'' Ellie is no longer in control of herself-_

 _Ellie? Emma. I need to be better at names..._

 _Kat's teeth grit as raw anger flares through her veins. She warned them, she fucking warned them to stay the fuck away from Emma. Who the hell do these pathetic cunts even think they are messing with here?! Did they honestly think she wouldn't find out about this sooner or later? Or did they think she was bluffing? Is she this sure of her brother that Betty boo thinks they're safe from Kat? They'll be surprised to find out how little this wannabe Bruce Lee can impress her._

'' _Okay that's it. '' Kat abruptly stands up and offers Emma her hand,_

'' _Come on. ''_

'' _N-no I… what do you- '' Kat leans down to take Emma's hands and pull her to her feet. Kat takes a tissue to clean Emma a little before using her powder to hide how defeated this girl is._

'' _You don't have to do this...'' Emma mutters while Kat hands Emma her jacket to hide the blood stains,_

'' _I know. But I want to. And I will end this once and for all. '' She cracks her knuckles and breathes in deeply. Her ribs will be fine._

 _They find the group in between the people enjoying their cigarettes, smoking and laughing with a malicious grin plastered on their faces. They're bragging about it, they enjoy this victory because they think there won't be any backlash at them. If Kat wasn't who she is, they were right, Emma would never try to go to the cops, she's too scared. But Kat is Kat and she's sick of watching people oppressing others without ever facing consequences. She's so fucking sick of this dumb childish shit and she's sick of people turning into monsters right before her eyes. And if there is one thing that really has her running amok, it's sexual assault._

 _Robert is next to Brittney, smoking a cigarette calmly in sick satisfaction. They think they won. How wrong they are._

'' _Hey, remember me? '' Before Betty can react to Kat's faked friendly question, Kat already punches her in the nose hard enough for people around them to hear it cracking. The group that gathered around them abruptly backs away in caution while Batty crashes to the ground with a screech in pain. On closer observation, she notices that Betty lost a tooth as well. Ronny charges at her with a scream of rage, rushing at her like a bull chasing a red flag, but Kat is faster. She catches the fist coming her way easily by stepping aside in time. Within a heartbeat she turned his entire arm and forces it into a painful angle to his back so that a simple kick is enough to break his shoulder. The group around them is screaming as they hear the next loud crack. Talking, starring, screaming. Kat doesn't care._

 _From that moment on, she's caught in a rush. She knocks the three followers down with each a knee in the stomach, a kick against the kneecap and last but not least by breaking that cunt's ankle. But the pathetic trio running after Britney don't really interest her, she just wanted them to pay. No, her main focus, her rage, lies on the bastard that dared to fucking rape someone. She beats and kicks him and his sister until someone grabs her and tears her off the siblings._

 _End of the story is that Kat spends two weeks in a cell before the judge releases her. Luckily Kat got a judge with a good heart. After explaining the story, he counts it as self-defense rather than serious mayhem and sentences her to visit therapy more often and help out voluntarily in an animal shelter. Really, this judge is an angel. Especially because he sentences Robbie to 20 years because of his previous offenses and his sister got a nice fine of a couple thousand for helping her brother with raping Emma and for- hold your horses- serious mayhem._

 _Kat couldn't stop grinning for a couple of days._

 _Until she heard that Emma killed herself - just a day before everyone got their sentence. She was scared Rob might get away and come back for her. She was done with life and even if it might sound cold… Kat saw it coming._

 _That doesn't stop her from crying in her room alone at night with a bottle of vodka in her hand._

 _It was stupid of her to think Kat might be able to help Emma. Because Emma made her decision way before Kat found her in the alley._

 _Kat stepped in a couple more times if she saw someone being bullied but she never stayed for a chat again._

'' There was this program each teacher had to put their classes through, I think that'd be something the two of you could try. Writing down a list of subjects that hurt you and putting them on the wall where you see them easily. ''

'' Nobody was paying attention to that. ''

'' Yes because students are assholes. No matter how good the idea is that you come up with, it'll never work as long as you have group pressure influencing everyone. Be cool, be witty, be an asshole. Bullying others to feel cool is how things work and it keeps getting worse. But… With you two, there are two adults who want to change things. You know about each others weaknesses and that allows you to actually work something out that might be helpful. ''

'' Besides, if you take a moment to think back to that day you might realize that it was you, Miss Jones, who was giving the most inappropriate comments. ''

'' True that, I was bored. ''

'' And a pain in the ass. I never wanted to hit a student that bad in my entire life. ''

'' You threw an apple at me you asshole. ''

'' You deserved it you sarcastic asshole. ''

'' Yeah I did. And I enjoyed every minute of it. The more irritated you get, the more this vein pops out of your head right here- '' Kat taps his left temple mockingly before Nathan slaps her hand away.

'' Honestly though, try it. Considering how things are right now, there's not much you two can still fuck up. This Episode was one of the most dangerous I've yet seen and the last one wasn't that long ago. You have to make sure there won't be another one any time soon, got it? ''

'' I know. I'll stay in control of things and watch out for any possible triggers. We work out this stupid poster and I'll accompany him to his appointments. We can do this, Nathan. ''

'' Don't get me wrong now, okay? The past days we got a bit closer and I know there is a chance for you two. But if this toxic shit keeps coming up, you have to find another solution. Find him a flat close by or arrange appropriate conditions for him and send Erik into a psyche-ward. Just stay objective for a while. This is destroying both of you. The Episodes are killing you and he's killing himself with sleep deprivation, starvation… and by now I'm fully convinced this is the sort of bloke to die of a broken heart. '' Kat crosses her arms, her voice a bit louder from release,

'' Oh you think that too? Good I thought I'd be overreacting about that. '' Honestly, the first time she thought Erik's the sort of bloke to die from a broken heart she thought she'd have to quite drinking and get a grip on reality so to hear that Nathan sees it that way too, is quite comforting.

'' You can do this, okay? You're strong, Kat, stronger than any of us, so you will get this sorted out. I'm still not a 100% comfortable with Erik being around but that's me caring for you and wanting to protect you. However, putting that daddy-shit aside, I know you well enough to know that this creep is the only chance at love you will ever have so don't mess it up. ''

'' Wow thanks. ''

'' I'm being honest. My last girlfriend broke up with me because her Ex was cheating on her with you. And that's not the first time a relationship of mine broke because of you. Do you know how large London is? This reputation of yours shouldn't even be possible and yet I can't remember the last time the two of us had a drink somewhere without running into someone you shagged or someone who's mad at you for shagging their partner. ''

'' Remember that lass whose husband was cheating on her and then her new bloke was one of my one-night-stands? '' Kat laughs as she allows the memory to play in her mind. The look on the woman's face was honestly priceless as she spotted Kat and Nathan, grabbed her new one to pull him up to them, tried to belittle her and Kat greeted her lover, asking if he still has her lighter somewhere. Kat's still convinced the lass had a stroke that night but after she came out of her shock state, she grabbed her lover and fled the bar in a speed that could have made the Road Runner jealous.

'' That's actually not funny Kat. You don't even care if the people you select are in a relationship, if you wouldn't know it's one thing but knowing and still shagging them is nothing to be proud of. '' Nathan's playfulness reduced a lot and changed into serious disappointment. He never liked to hear about all these stories, not only because he thinks of Kat as a sort of daughter or younger sister, also because he has been cheated on as well and it broke his heart. Kat picked up the pieces back then, it was briefly after the two of them got close.

'' I'm not proud of it, Nathan, but I'm not ashamed either. _They_ are the ones who have to be faithful to their partners, it's _their_ relationship, not mine. It's not _my_ obligation to say no to people I find attractive if they flirt with me, it's not _my_ responsibility to save _their_ relationship. Yeah, if I was intentionally trying to seduce people who are not single, I'd be a shitty person. But that's not what I do. I don't care for their relationship status because I don't care about most of them. If I think they're hot, I go for it. Simple. '' Nathan's expression doesn't change much but at some point he sighs in defeat, rubbing his temples,

'' Oh dear lord, please work this out properly. '' He shakes his head and walks into the kitchen. Kat follows just enough to see Erik sitting by the table with a book in his hand and a coffee beside him. As he notices Nathan, he looks up at Kat's former teacher and waits for him to speak up,

'' Erik, do me a favor. '' Erik places the book on the table and makes a gesture with his hand for Nathan to go on,

'' Don't fuck this up again, you have to make things work between you two, got it? '' The mix of surprise and suspicion that leave him speechless for a few second. Carefully Erik clears his throat and straighten in his chair,

'' Nathan, please do not mistake this for an insult, but certainly you understand that your sudden request feels a bit odd to me after all the previous attempts to have me as far away from Kathrine as possible? I understand that you are willing to accept our relationship but… this is quite abrupt. ''

'' Honestly, I'm not a 100% sure about this either but considering what Kat was previously doing and keeping in mind what a stubborn bitch she is, I feel like you're the only chance at domestic life that she will ever have. And I am sick of getting into trouble with my own girlfriends because Kat was the reason they were no longer with their exes. She's rude, she's sarcastic, she's childish and she's a pain in the ass. Short form: She's a bunch of work and most of the time it's not easy. You're bonkers but you got manners and if you got yourself in check you're someone raised in a culture that still forms gentlemen and ladies. '' He pauses to title his head,

'' Not to mention this kinda creepy ability of yours to actually have some sort of control over her. Do all of us favor and use that to teach her some proper manners. God knows everyone who tried so far, _clearly_ failed. '' Kat opens her arms in a silent 'what the fuck' as Nathan and Erik both eye her at the 'clearly'. She's a bit of a troublemaker but she's not that bad.

… _.Right...?_

Erik nods calmly,

'' Of course. I will do my best to have some positive influence on Kathrine and teach her a few manners. ''

'' Alrighty. I'll be off then. Don't… -Just behave like adults, you two and don't mess this up. '' Nathan points his finger at both of them in what probably was supposed to be a threatening manner but he's so done with this situation that he doesn't really put much effort into it so he just throws his arms up, turns on his heels and leaves the apartment. Kat glares after him with her arms still crossed and a pout by now on her lips. Slowly she moves her expression to Erik who is still leaning back in his chair,

'' I'm not that bad. ''

'' Kathrine, I do love you dearly, but you are that bad. ''

'' Shut up. I'll kick you out…''

'' A very hollow threat mon ange. This flat is quite exquisite but the kitchen and the floor are not separated by a door, not taking part in your conversation with Nathan does not mean I was unable to hear you. '' Kat really wants to be bitchy a bit longer but she can't hold back the smile that slowly comes to her lips,

'' You call him Nathan now. ''

'' We both agreed it might be appropriate at this point. Caring for you during your… Episode… forced us to act as a team rather than enemies. It surprises me a bit but I have to admit that I feel rather comfortable around him. He is… not who I previously made him out to be. ''

'' So… you two are, like, friendly now? You like him? ''

'' I would not go as far to say I desire a friendship with him… but he _is_ pleasant company. He is intelligent, well educated in history I am familiar with as well and we share certain interests that, amongst other things, includes a similar sense of humor. Oddly enough. ''

'' You honestly have no idea how glad I am to hear that… Not in a million years would I have expected you to ask Nathan for help _willingly_ … I'm so glad you get along…'' Kat mutters with a smile, her voice soft from the release that warms her entire body right now. Erik leans forwards to place his folded hands on the table,

'' While I certainly cannot say that the situation was ideal, it did open my eyes. I called Nathan because your state put me into a panic that I knew demanded instant help. Because, while you briefly informed me about these Episodes, I was in no way fit to help you. The Scholar- … Nathan, was the first person to come to my mind, so I called him for help. Upon finally regaining my composure, I felt that familiar rage in me as I closely observed his every move. To then listen to him blaming me for this situation that I already knew was entirely my fault, did not help. Neither did his accusation I might rape you in blind rage should you reject me in any way. '' Kat frowns,

'' Wait, what? He thought you'd rape me? ''

'' He had to leave the apartment to purchase your medication and was uncomfortable with the thought to leave you alone with me. Nathan was quite worried I'd try to speak to you and your rejection would have me losing control so badly that I attempt to forcefully bed you. I tried to assure him that I'd never do such a thing but… well. With things as they were, he had very little reason to trust me but in the end he left anyway. ''

'' You are a lot of things… but you're not a rapist. Besides… I fear that, if you really would have tried to rape- or just touch me in this condition, you'd either be badly hurt now or… in worst case, dead. ''

'' I have made many mistakes but I was very eager to follow the rules Nathan previously told me about. However…'' Erik pauses briefly to look at his hands before meeting her eyes again, a soft smile coming to his lips,

'' Even though everything inside me warned me not to, I sat down right beside you on the ground as you rolled to the edge of the bed and sang to you for a while. Upon realizing it has a calming effect on you, I could not help to think back to the time you attempted to edge me closer to intimacy by drawing circles on my wrist and wondered if you might enjoy this as well. At first tenderly, then a bit more secure I placed my hand next to yours and allowed my finger to draw patterns on your wrist. Thankfully you enjoyed the touch and as your shaking and muttering ceased, I began to run my fingers through your hair as well and caressed your scalp. It was the first time Nathan told me that out of some unknown reason, I had a certain control over you. Not the way you allow my voice to lure you into my world. This sort of control was helping you, I could cast away nightmares and stop you if you were about to hurt yourself or others. ''

'' Did I… did I hurt one of you? Even if it's only a scratch… Did I hurt anyone? ''

'' Well, let us just say it like this: My attempt to touch you after you entered your Episode and began attacking whatever you came in contact with… was not one of my brightest moments. But the scratches are already healing, there is nothing that you have to worry about or feel guilty for. '' Erik pulls the collar of his shirt down a bit to reveal the 4 scratches over his collarbone. They're not deep but they broke the skin, which means they were bleeding and Kat is the reason for that. Erik was lucky he wasn't seriously injured, it wouldn't be the first time Kat fatally hurt someone in her mania. Usually her meds make her less aggressive during her Episodes but with all the trouble she forgot to take them and the symptoms of withdrawal completely went past her because she was feeling nauseous and exhausted before. It didn't occur to her that this was her body reminding her to take her pills.

'' Kathrine… Nathan and I spoke about our relationship many times. Both you and him have mentioned that we are having a toxic relationship. '' Her body abruptly tenses and Kat almost flinches as several of her exhausted muscles sting in protest about the sudden use of them. Until now she barely felt any sort of pain, she remained in that position because moving to a chair would only cost her energy and trigger her body to let her know it's done and needs some rest. So she leaned as much as possible against the door-frame with her arms crossed over her chest loosely and allowed her body to get used to its state and relax slowly.

But Erik's words send a hurricane of emotions through her and the peaceful state of her body disappears. She's still afraid he might hurt her again. Kat thought Erik would change many times before and she was proven wrong over and over again. So even though she has never been this confident that watching her lose it this extremely finally flipped the switch, Kat can't stop the fear from sneaking into her mind and putting itself in her focus. Kat is a 100% sure Erik and her will work this out but right now there are three days left until his first appointment, Kat realizes through the tensing that she's so exhausted that she's probably going to pass out soon and Erik is picking this moment to speak about a sensitive topic like this that should be discussed calmly in a comfortable atmosphere.

It's not only fear that's raging in her though. Erik is trembling, Kat notices it as he reached for his cup a couple of minutes ago. Now the tremor is strong enough that she sees it in his shoulders. Nathan said that Erik didn't sleep, or at least he didn't see him do so. Which means he is exhausted as well and in serious danger of his organs to giving up. He's probably not even noticing that he's tired anymore, Kat has more than one memory about being unable to sleep. At first you work on adrenaline, then you're tired and at the third or fourth day your body is so fucked up that you no longer feel tired. The sleep deprivation mixed with the guilt and the hatred for himself are eating him up and she hates it to see him this heartsick.

However, at the same time Kat can't deny that a part of her feels satisfied and spiteful to see him that way. Kat is still embarrassingly extreme in love with him but there's just no way she can deny that this entire fucked up situation is Erik's fault. He left her, he threatened her family, he stalked her, he tried to control her, he accused her of whoring around even though she told him she still loves him, he attacked her most obvious gay friend because he touched her and told her he will never let her go. Erik is the reason for this Episode. If he hadn't hurt her over and over again while steadily promising her that he'll change, if he hadn't made her feel so miserable and heartbroken all the time, her Episode would not have been this extreme. She's probably just had stayed in bed for two days while staring at the space with dead eyes and only stood up to use the bathroom or perhaps have a drink. She'd have entered a depressed sort of Episode, not this chaotic mess of violence, hallucinations, dissociation, depression and paranoia that caused one panic-attack after the other while Kat is so lost in her own madness that she had no chance to react to any of this properly.

Kat loves him more than she ever loved anybody. She'd die for him, she'd kill for him, she'd obey him if he wants her to. But at the same time she hates him for everything he's done to her. Part of her wishes Erik had never revealed himself to her. If she'd never met him, she wouldn't have fallen in love with him and would not be in this situation right now where her mind is fighting whether or not she wants to touch Erik. Hug him, cling to him, breathe in his scent and feel his breath tickle her skin while he whispers in between showering her with loving, gentle kisses. Another part wants to grab a knife and end this. As long as Erik is alive, she'll always want to be with him and Kat knows that it'll only bring her back into this endless circle of promises and a love that makes her feel both embarrassed for allowing Erik to have this sort of effect on her, as well as peaceful and so full of love that her body feels warmer than usual because just the thought of waking up next to Erik rather than an empty bed is ecstatic. And the moment Kat got used to this perfection, something will trigger Erik and he'll hurt her yet another time. And like the dumb little girl in love she is, she'll take him back at some point no matter what he did.

This lack of control is driving her crazy, it's not supposed to be like that. She is the one in control, she makes the rules, she is the only master of mind. But once she's facing this cunt, Kat is his. And she loves it until she hates it. She could grab the kitchen knife and slit his throat before he knows what's happening. She knows enough people who can take care of the body. But just the thought hurts her.

They can work this out, they have to. Kat can feel it, this time things are going to change to the better. Things will be alright. But right now, with all that rushing through her head and making her already weakened state worse and adds to the physical symptoms she already experiences. Confronting her with something like this in her current state is the last dagger in her heart and before Erik can continue, she feels tears stinging in her eyes,

'' Please, be honest with me. Am I abusing you? Is our relationship toxic? '' His voice is rough. She can see how badly he wishes for her to say no, to assure him that they are not a couple that suffers under domestic violence. Swallowing feels painful, licking her dry lips only causes small stings whenever she brushes one of the gaps that she probably bit into them.

Erik is waiting for her answer patiently but his knuckles turn white every few seconds because he keeps clenching and un-clenching his fist nervously.

The smile she forces to her lips is painful. As the first tear rolls down her cheek, Erik's posture changes into defeat barely enough for her to notice. Kat titles her head as the tears begin to fall freely,

'' Yes. ''

* * *

A/N: I am really sorry I didn't upload sooner. There is a lot going on in my life right now and it's leaving me little time to actually sit down and write.

I won't be uploading for 4 weeks at least because I'm on a trip. Wasn't my decision to go but hey, I'm an adult, what do I know. Right. Ha.

I'll do my best to upload as soon as possible.

Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter even though it was a bit darker. But on rain there will be sun shine :)

AND AS ALWAYS: REVIEWS ARE MY LIFE BLOOD - MY ONE TRUE LOVE - MY... eh... I just like them, okay?


	8. Chapter 8 - No One But Her

**Chapter 8** \- No One But Her

* * *

Erik shut his eyes as if he's in pain and Kat watches him lowering his head. As much as she'd like to say something that will make him feel better, she couldn't take her answer back, not even if she wanted to. The muscles in her legs are stabbing now from being put under too much pressure for too long and right now her first priority is to make it to bed and find a comfortable position that allows her to sleep a little. She'll take a strong painkiller and a Valium but sometimes even those can't allow her to ignore her state enough to fall asleep. A comfortable position is necessary but try to find one if your entire body is fucked up.

'' I'm gonna lie down… You should do the same. Nathan said you didn't sleep the past days. '' Erik needs a moment to gather himself enough to answer. He rubs his face and sighs before clearing his throat but his voice is a murmur, barely loud enough for her to hear it,

'' I did not dare to… I was too worried about you… What if you need me and I am not there to help because of my selfish need to rest? Your condition… frightened me… I needed to watch over you at all times. Yet I cannot say that I feel especially tired…''

'' Yeah I know that feeling. First you run on adrenaline, then you have blackouts and at some point you can't feel tired any longer, even if you try to sleep now you couldn't. I'll give you a Valium too, c'mon. '' She nods her head so faintly that she's not sure he even saw it, especially because he refuses to look at her. The pain and the guilt made his voice a heavy grumble. Kat pushes herself off the frame gently and carefully walks to her bed where she drops into her mattress by her night table. The moment she swallows the Valium and the painkiller, Erik follows and stops with a little distance to her. He silently accepts the Valium and the water she hands him.

'' You're probably considering the couch. Do me the favor and sleep next to me in the bed. It's big enough and in case I wake up with a panic attack, I rather have you next to me. '' Her voice is monotone as she lies down, too exhausted to pull the blanket over herself.

'' Why…'' The frown coming to her face is both because of her body aching because of her position, as well as Erik's question. Slowly she turns to her other side and pulls the pillow a bit lower so that she can swing her leg over it and snuggle into it like she did while she slept with Erik by her side. Sweetheart craddle it's called, she thinks but her head is fuzzy. She can't focus.

'' Because you're the first and only person that can calm me down...'' She whispers back before closing her eyes. The painkiller will kick in soon enough, the Valium will too. She needs to sleep, she's so tired.

'' I will sleep next to the bed- ''

'' Erik. '' Her voice isn't especially loud but it's enough to cut him off. Despite her urge to just remain in this more or less comfortable position, she forces herself to sit up,

'' Just lie next to me. We can discuss everything later but right now I'm really exhausted, okay? I'm in a lot of pain right now and I can barely focus on anything anymore. So please just get a grip and lie down so I can cuddle into you and sleep. We're in a situation right now that needs work but I can't take anything else right now. If you really love me, Erik, lie down. '' That last sentence does the trick because Erik finally moves. Even if he does so carefully, he finally slips into the bed next to her and makes no move to protest as she warps one leg and arm over him while putting her head on his chest.

'' Thank you...'' She whispers as she realizes he somehow managed to cover them both with her blanket. With the warmth of the bed and his body, with Erik's scent and the sound of his heart beating under her ear, she quickly falls asleep.

* * *

Three day pass before Kathrine fully recovered. She told him her Episodes are bad but he never thought it'd be this bad. He knows that one's psyche can completely overwhelm a person but never once in his life has he experienced something as fatal as this Psychotic Episode. And knowing that he is to blame for the extreme level of it, is killing him from the inside. Part of him wanted to leave, to finally set her free so that Kathrine will find someone who truly makes her happy. But this part is small and it finally lost it's ability to control him. Because he finally understands that running is not the right thing to do. True, Kathrine is beautiful and intelligent and strong and caring, if she wanted someone else, she'd find someone. But she doesn't. Kathrine's whoring through the entire population of London never meant anything more to her than simple pleasure for a night. This Omar may be someone she is seeing more than once, yet she is not interested in a romantic relationship with him. They share an odd bond that Erik can't understand, even less can he push it into the back of his mind. They need to talk about this but he is not willing to do so before she is fully back to her feet.

Seeing this Episode finally knocked some sense into him. He had a lot of time to think about their relationship, Nathan and him were discussing it several times very profoundly. As sick and wrong as it is, this Episode was what he needed to realize that Kathrine in fact does love him exactly the same as Erik loves her. All the pain he caused her was entirely for nothing, all the broken promises and the wrong decisions that he made slowly but steadily caused more cracks in her already fragile broken heart. Knowing that none of it was truly justified only makes him hate himself more. How could he never realize how many times she proved herself to him? How could he allow his sick mind to blind him in this way?

Kathrine loves him. Everything that he has done to her and she still loves him, how could he be so blind while being so lucky? This goddess devoted herself to him and she is willing to stay with him despite his mistakes, she allows him to stay after all he has done. Their relationship changed greatly though, the trust between them is broken and this time it is his duty to prove himself. And he will. He will visit this therapy, he will work on himself and learn to restrain himself. He will trust her, he will put his broken soul into her caring hands because Kathrine will never mistreat him. This abuse has to stop. No longer will Erik allow himself to be anything else but the perfect partner.

So each morning, he prepares breakfast that they have in bed. The first morning, the one where Kathrine gave both of them a pill to sleep, Erik woke later than usual. They went to bed around 7pm and he woke to the clock telling him it is 2pm. While he felt a bit as if someone filled his head with fog, he realized that his body is no longer trembling from exhaustion, his sight was less blurry, he felt no longer sick. The 12 hours of sleep were a miracle that his body was in desperate need of. While the after-effects of the fever left him a while ago, his body still was far from ready to face yet another extreme like this. Erik never swallowed Valium before and he is not sure if he will again because his body is displaying rather uncomfortable symptoms long after he woke up. He would rather have it to not be affected like this for so long. However, it truly was necessary because he would never have fallen asleep without it in the state he was in.

There is no regret in him though. With Kathrine in this state and Erik being the one to blame for it, he did not deserve to rest. Not even if he was able to. He was unwilling to leave his angel out of his sight before but upon realizing that he was truly able to help Kathrine and soothe her raging mind by singing to her or touching her gently even though she will attack anyone else attempting the same, he refused to let his tired body control him. Kathrine suffered from a panic-attack suddenly, if Erik had given in and slept to that time, Kathrine may have hurt herself. Being awake and right beside her quickly alerted him of the situation and he began to sing to her. Quietly at first, unsure whether or not it would calm her or anger her. Half through Music of the Night, he noticed the changes. The alarmingly quick and short breathes slowly eased a bit into longer, calmer ones. Her wide eyes that were dancing through the room halted on him and the tense lessened somewhat. He had to sing the same song to her three times before she fell asleep again. By the third time he slowly began to caress her trembling, tight fist that was clenching the sheets.

While it surely was a terrible situation, he could not help but feel proud. Not even Nathan may touch her during those Episodes without having to fear for an attack, the very man that is caring for her wholeheartedly for years. She'd tear strangers to shreds in fear or rage, Holly and Jessie had to fear the same. Kathrine's most dearest friends and family are unable to touch her for she would lash out at them in the blink of an eye and hurt them. Erik however is not only allowed to touch her, furthermore is Kathrine still trusting him and loving him so deeply that he can stop her, send her back to bed, order her to eat.

He'd never ask Nathan this very question due to the man's fatherly feelings for his young Diva but Erik wonders if this submission of her is somewhat connected to the sexual submission she previously displayed. Of course Kathrine would never truly submit her entire self, he would not want her to either. Yet he noticed how he merely has to speak in a specific tone and Kathrine obeys. He itches to further investigate this matter once she is recovered. Order her to do things in this specific tone and watch her reaction, whether or not she will do as she is told or rebel.

Whatever reason there is that has Kathrine obeying even thought she is in this state, he is truly grateful for it. If Kathrine would not have obeyed him during this time, his beloved hurricane would have injured herself intentionally several times. The incident with the whiskey bottle was not the only time Kathrine was about to hurt herself. Erik watched her pull her hair, bite her lip until she bit off several spots of skin and licked the blood off them, walk into the kitchen and grasp a knife with the intention to cut herself on her arm -which quickly had Nathan and him hide anything that she could use to hurt herself-. However, the worst of them all, was the moment Kathrine found the gun they had hidden in her kitchen right between the healthy food because they thought she'd never touch that cabinet. Erik had to use the bathroom, he was finishing as fast as he could because Nathan was asleep on the couch and he felt uncomfortable leaving Kathrine unsupervised even though she was sleeping. The moment he was washing his hands, he heard Nathan yelling his beloved's name with such panic that Erik stormed out of the bathroom with the water still running and his hands covered in soap and water. Spotting Kathrine with the gun in her hand and aiming at her own head with her finger on the trigger, abruptly had his heart stopping in his chest. He couldn't see himself but Erik is rather sure that he has never paled this quick and this extremely before while feeling such overpowering panic.

Nathan spoke to Kathrine in a low tone, carefully asking her to hand him the gun. To not kill herself, whether intentional or accidentally because of the way her body was furiously shaking and her finger not spared from that. The twitches that run through her body every now and then have her whole body jolting so extreme that she'd surely pull the trigger in that motion. A thousand of pictures ran through his mind, all of them showing Kathrine shooting herself. The bullet forces its way through her head, her brain and blood sticking to the ground, perhaps even the wall. With all the times Erik felt sick from fear, this time he was sure he'd throw up right then and there. The only thing that stopped him from doing so, was the sudden fire of dominance surging through him. His body and mind have betrayed him several times but in that moment, he could not have been more thankful for his extreme mood-swings. Because once the emotion took him over, his eyes narrowed and he barked her name.

It surely was foolish to do so, the jerking of her body that the shock of being barked at caused could have led to her pulling the trigger but that does not matter right now, for it was functioning exactly as it was supposed to. Kathrine stared at him with wide yet hollow eyes and lowered the gun a bit, still in a position that would be fatal for her should she shoot now but lower nevertheless. He took his time to close the gap, every step carefully calculated and so full with dominance and power that Kathrine did not dare or desire to move. Only one step away from her, she is already in his reach but the distance between them ensures she will not feel threatened.

As he held out his hand, she was just staring at it for a while. Erik demanded her to hand him the gun on this instant or he will punish her. It both released and surprised him that Kathrine put the gun in his hand with a lot of hesitation. He locked it then, remembering that Nathan showed him how to do so while explaining it'll make sure the gun won't accidentally shoot and held it in his hand tightly while showing it to Kathrine. As Erik began to scold her, Kathrine quickly took on the appearance of a little girl who was caught stealing candy. Her cheeks flushed a little in shame, her eyes averted to the ground and her fingers began playing with the hem of her shirt or each other. She muttered a raspy apology that Erik barely understood because the only thing Kathrine was capable to speak in between the breaking of her voice, was ' _m so..r.'._ To both his and Nathan's great surprise did Kathrine not go to bed before she wrapped her arms around Erik's torso and made him promise in Spanish that he's not cross with her. Erik led her to bed and swore he is not mad, he was merely worried. It was adorable to watch Kathrine fall asleep while he gently ran his fingers through her hair and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

That night Nathan no longer tried to tell Erik gently that he is no good for Kathrine, instead he began to convince him of proper therapy so they could ' _work things out_ '. It surprised him to have Nathan suddenly interested in helping their relationship to heal rather than 'subconsciously' trying to convince Erik that leaving her and moving into a psyche-ward was the only solution for them. Along with the surprise, came joy and hope. Their relationship changed into a more comfortable, friendly one. They began to speak of other things than Kathrine and quickly realized they share many similarities. Nathan's knowledge about history and him speaking french fluently showed that they have the same sort of humor, they are interested in the same things in history, they both share a passion about the Spartan civilization and Egypt's leaders, gods and culture. Both of them are extremely interested in Anubis -God of death, embalming, funerals, and mourning ceremonies- , Khepri -the god of scarab beetles, sun, rebirth and creation- and Serquet -goddess of scorpions, magic, medicine, and healing venomous stings and bites-. They, too, agree that Kathrine surely must be the unlawful daughter of Sekhmet and Wadjet because she just resembles both of them too much. Perhaps granddaughter of Qetesh and Bast.

The conversation had them both laughing, comparing Kathrine and her very odd characteristic differences, was a lot of fun and Erik enjoyed Nathan's knowledge greatly. Even though both of them are highly educated about the Egypt gods, Nathan still began to 'Goggel' or 'Google' the gods to have their characters right in front of them. That made it very easy to quickly find the four gods that mirror Kathrine's character. Sekhmet is the goddess of lions, fire and vengeance, which honestly is 1 to 1 Kathrine sometimes. Erik is well aware of the way Kathrine refuses to let go of a grudge unless she somehow had her payback that seems fair to her. Of course her revenge is always a little worse than the original deed of the other but he is not surprised by it. Whenever she is losing her temper, she is a wild fire burning everything that stands in her way and her love for cats whatever height they have is one of the things about her he noticed first.

As he was watching her wandering through the town with her friends back where he did not reveal himself to her yet, she was in the middle of a conversation while smoking. The moment she noticed the cat rather far away from them, she handed Jessie the cigarette and quickly followed the cat without saying a word. If Erik hadn't followed her line of sight as he noticed the way her eyes suddenly widened in pure, adorable fascination, he would have missed the cat disappearing in the alley. The most amusing part about this, was the lack of confusion on Holly's and Jessie's faces as Kathrine suddenly walked away swiftly. Instead they exchanged a glance and sighed after Holly mentioned that going after Kathrine's expression, she must have spotted a cat. Jessie's replay that they probably won't have her returning before the cat grew tired of Kathrine's petting, had Erik switching his position so that he could see Kathrine who was happily petting the cat. Holly and Jessie joined after a few minutes passed and Kathrine only moved so that the cat could climb into her lap and curl up there to sleep while enjoying the petting. The loving smile on Kathrine's lips and the way her eyes shined with adoration as she stared down at the sleeping bag of flees, was what first had Erik realizing that he is developing feelings for her.

The warning of Jessie and Holly about the high possibility that the cat could be full with flees and other parasites, was brushed off by his lovely angel who informed them that she practically bathed in a sort of spray that kills any parasite trying to settle down on her and suck her blood. The fact that this certain medication was not at all meant for humans but for dogs and cats, had Holly almost losing her temper because this medication can harm a human if too much of it comes into contact with the skin. Kathrine replaying with a calm explanation that she bathed in the whole bottle, really was anything but helpful and in that moment, Holly and Jessie were not the only ones with the desire to hit the back of her head hard, hoping it'll knock some sense into this foolish woman.

Kathrine was actually planning to take the cat along into the Opera with the intention to adopt it but Jessie and Holly forbid it until she made sure the animal was completely clean of parasites. Remembering this memory had Erik wondering if Kathrine remembers the cat and plans to actually search for it should she ever return to the Opera. He can't say he'd be overjoyed should Kathrine return with a cat in her arm one day but Nathan quickly pointed out that Erik could never refuse if she was looking at him with wide, pleading eyes and her lips in a pout. If she then asked him with a sweet, pleading voice, he'd probably say 'yes' in a heartbeat without doing so intentionally and he could never take it back because Kathrine would hug and kiss him in joy and gratitude. Partly because she truly feels that way, partly because she would know it is a clever manipulation that destroys his chances to get rid of the animal in the blink of an eye. Even if he wanted to, Erik would have felt his nose visibly growing all around the world had he denied that Kathrine has him wrapped around her finger that way. So instead of denying, they both shared a laugh at the image of the cat sleeping on Erik's organ and Kathrine forbidding him to wake the cat by moving it or playing. Or the cat destroying his cloths, his painting, his belongings in general while never once harming Kathrine's belongings in any way. Animalistic instinct for noting Erik's dislike of the new member of their family and jealousy about Erik being way too close to Kathrine way too many times. The picture that had Erik fearing for the future the most, was the one of the cat sleeping in their bed and either entirely claiming Kathrine or always sleeping between them.

Wadjet is the goddess of protection, which is the entire opposite of Sekhmet and yet it resembles Kathrine as well. If her extreme urge went by unnoticed by him as she constantly threw herself in front of Nathan even though the Phantom was ready to hurt her and already did so, or the time she took the risk to feel his blade as he attempted to slash the man with his sword, it became honestly impossible to ignore as she stood up for Erik and risked her life while taking out the policemen that had every intention to shoot them both if they had to as long as Erik would be dead as well. This loyalty that is driving Kathrine to do the most illogical, dangerous things for the people she loves is something she needs to learn to control, that's something both Nathan and Erik agreed to. But it is a rare, admirable trait as well. Neither Erik nor Nathan ever met a person who is as loyal as Kathrine, who will stand up for strangers if she notices them being bullied.

Nathan told Erik about the young girl that killed herself. Kathrine protected her once, then she completely lost control and brutally injured the 5 people that were responsible for the girl's pain. Nathan said that the girl was sexually assaulted and tortured by the siblings, that the brother was well experienced in dirty fights and already spent some time in jail for several offenses. The sister was a typical mean girl, entirely focusing on her appearance while humiliating whoever she could. The sister held the girl while the brother assaulted her and the brother held her while the sister carved 'whore' into her stomach. Erik and Nathan both feel absolutely no pity for either of them. Kathrine should not have attacked them in public, perhaps she could have kept it off her record that way but in the end it was declared self-defense. Her record may still mention this incident but at least it does not say brutal, merciless torture.

Qetesh is the goddess of nature, beauty and sexual pleasure which is rather self-explaining. Kathrine is a passionate defender of nature, along many other things. Her beauty is undeniable and it is causing too many people to try and claim her for themselves. He heard what people where whispering about her, how many planned to ask her out, the way men were constantly drooling as they watched her. Allegedly there even have been some who tried to court her but Kathrine turned each of them down. Those who were gossiping about these things also mentioned that Kathrine probably did so because of the Phantom. The admirers came right after he began to teach her waltz. Back as Erik heard these gossips, he was convinced Kathrine turned the offers down because she was not attracted to them, not because she was interested in him. Erik was convinced that Kathrine did not truly begin to feel anything for him until they spent those days in his layer. Now that he is really allowing himself to remember those memories without his insecurity clouding his vision, he realizes how quickly Kathrine's behavior changed during their lessons. At the beginning she had little to no motivation to cooperate. She often wanted breaks, refused to follow his instructions and halfheartedly sang her notes. She solely came because she was curious about the infamous Phantom of the Opera. But her motivation quickly grew the more they talked in between the lesson and since the third night, Kathrine would stay in the chapel and speak to him for hours on end. At some point she truly put her whole heart and focus into the lessons but until now Erik never realized that the reason for this change of heart was her desire to please him, to make him proud. Erik noticed the way she began to smile every time he complimented her but he never realized that she never reacted this way if anyone else complimented her. She smiles, of course, she likes the attention of others and the way they boost her ego but the smile others received was never as soft, never as bright, never as happy.

It is so obvious to him right now that he slams his hand on his forehead with a groan. He spent so many hours watching her and never once did he realize that Kathrine reacted differently around him. Honestly, at least the kiss to the cheek and the tenderness in her touch as she tried to find out what he looks like as she traced her hands along his body should have been some sign to him. The way she seemed scared as he suddenly caught her hand right before she could touch the mask, scared that she hurt him. The way she feared that her kiss of gratitude somehow ruined their friendly relationship. Kathrine touched and kissed many people but never as hesitant and if she was pushed away, she shrugged it off. How could he have been so blind? Everything she said, not the flirting but the gentle comments in between, those that one only offers if they trust the other, feel something deeper for the other.

 _She sat in the same position in the chapel for hours, almost fell asleep doing so but not allowing herself that simply because I refused to speak to her after the kiss. And despite her anger, she never once opened her eyes to look at me. And I called it stubbornness… Of course it is that as well but not even Kathrine would wait for a stranger she has no emotions for this persistently… Can there honestly be a greater fool than I?_

The sexual pleasure that Qetesh represents is what had Nathan and Erik choosing Qetesh in the end. Hearing about the many relationships Kathrine's reputation already ruined the Scholar, had Erik laughing at first before realizing that there is very little to laugh about there. He knew about Kathrine's reputation, she told him about it herself, but he did not imagine that being her friend would cause this sort of trouble. On one side both Nathan and Erik can somewhat understand why his previous partners were furious about Nathan remaining loyal to Kathrine who slept with their previous boyfriends what mostly led to the men leaving the women in hope they might have a chance to win Kathrine for themselves. And while Erik honestly is not trying to mistrust Kathrine, he cannot truly bring himself to believe that Kathrine told him the truth as she told him the number of people she slept with. London is gigantic, it is impossible that there are so many people constantly recognizing her if the number she offered was the truth. Nathan was the one then confirming his suspicion because Erik just couldn't restrain himself and asked about it. Nathan told him that Kathrine no longer bothered to count as she reached these numbers and that it was only a few months after her first time that she reached these numbers. Nathan was convinced Kathrine was afraid that Erik may feel repulsed if she tells him the truth, that she may not be ashamed of it but is fully aware what other people think about it. Erik cannot say how he had reacted if she had told him the truth back then, not repulsed perhaps but definitely a lot more insecure and probably much more jealous. Which in the end only had brought them even more trouble so Erik was rather glad Kathrine lied to him.

The last goddess they picked is Bast, a cat goddess known to protect pregnant women and children. Furthermore is she the protector of Ra, the god of the sun and creation. Which makes Bast a kind and caring guardian ready to defend those who cannot do so themselves. At the same time it makes her a dangerous threat one should not underestimate for her kindness. Being the protector of such an important god means she is more than capable to take down opponents that seem much more powerful than her at first. It reminded them of the way Kathrine is constantly underestimated by challengers for her elegant, feminine body. Of course they quickly realize that they are exceptionally wrong while Kathrine beats them senseless if she feels insulted, or she humiliates them and plays with them like a cat with a mouse before finally releasing them from their abasement by knocking them out with a single, well chosen technique.

Erik sighs as he glances at his sleeping angel, Kathrine may have regained most of her energy but her body is still attempting to recover from the countless damage that was done to it. The beating she received from Rick caused most of the damage, it was a miracle that her ribs did not break after being targeted so many times. The technique Kathrine used to suppress the pain after Rick repeatedly attacking the spot right below her ribs with such brutality that he at first feared he killed her. Punching someone there just a bit too hard can already cause severe damage and have the victim vomiting. The extreme cruelty that Rick displayed that night as he used his entire strength while beating this spot, abruptly revealed his intention to Erik. Like Kathrine he was furious that she hurt him but opposite to Kathrine, he was no longer just trying to win, he wanted to kill her. And if it is even possible for another miracles to happen this quick after the first, Erik just cannot find another word to describe the immense luck Kathrine had. Naturally Erik is grateful for this unusual luck but he can't push aside the thought that it is just not possible to survive such an attack, let alone stand up and keep fighting right after it with only half a minute of a break. No matter how Erik turns and twists it, Kathrine had no chance of surviving this, she should be dead.

'' You truly are a mystery, mon bel ange…'' He mutters while running his fingers through her hair. It grew quite a bit since she came to the Opera, he can see a good few centimeters of her real hair colour, a chocolate brown with a few naturally lighter strands, almost caramel colour. He wonders if he will ever get to see her with her hair long and in its original colour. Erik is certain that she will look beautiful with her hair long enough to reach below her breasts. The things she could do if she allows her hair to grow, the countless ways she could style it. Not that Erik doesn't like her current style, he just wonders if she'd allow her rebellious attire to change into something elegant at some point. Part of Erik can well imagine that Kathrine will dress this way until she dies but he can also imagine that she'll begin to dress more elegant once she reaches a certain age. Perhaps she will allow her hair to grow if she begins to change her choice of clothing, hopefully Erik will still be by her side then.

Right now Erik is fighting an internal war. He has promised her to change so many times that he lost count and every time he fell back into old habits. This is the first time Erik is convinced he will actually stay true to his promise, because seeing Kathrine this way terrified and pained him. Even now, that the psychotic episode has passed, Kathrine still suffers from the after-effects of it. And to be brutally honest, Erik is terrified still. Since Nathan told him that these Episodes could lead to Kathrine permanently losing herself without any chance of ever returning to him, or in worst case even kill her, Erik is unable to shake this nagging fear. The chances that something fatal happens to his beloved during these episodes becomes higher if it lasts unusually long, which it did. According to Nathan, her aggressive-psychotic episodes usually begin slowly with little warning signals on the first day, reach their high on the second day in which Kathrine then acts the way she did during those days but on the third day the symptoms should already begin to fade. Kathrine's episode began abruptly and her symptoms did not cling down slowly, she was on this high for 3 days straight. That means the possibility for her to receive permanent damage this time was dangerously high.

And if that wasn't enough, the danger the rose even more because of the unusual intensity of the episode. Nathan said that Kathrine rarely loses herself this extremely. She was suffering from such intense episodes in her childhood more often if she was under a lot of stress but about half a year into her therapy with Doctor Bloomfield they found the right medication for her and the extreme episodes began to last shorter and loose some of their intensity. Nathan told him brutally honest that Erik is to blame for this and while Erik already knew that, it still made him flinch to hear it spoken out loud. With Kathrine still recovering, there is no way to say for sure whether she received any damage or not and it has Erik on edge. If Kathrine received any damage, Erik is the one to blame for it. What if her reflexes suffered and she will no longer be able to fight? As much as Erik disapproves of it, it is Kathrine's passion, a way for her to let out that anger in her, to feel superior and easily earn a good lot money. Not only that though, Kathrine's motivation to fight is not fully evil, the fun is not purely based on hurting others or humiliating them, she enjoys it so much because she loves fighting. Whether it be in these street fights or with that friend of hers, she has fun doing it. If this passion was taken away from her, Kathrine would never be able to accept it, it would destroy her.

How could Erik ever meet her eye again if he was the reason for her to loose something she loves so dearly? Knowing that he will have to wait for his angel to fully recover before he can find out if something fatal happened, makes him mad. The arm he has around her waist pulls her a bit closer to him as he nuzzles the top of her head fondly, his hand never ceasing the gently petting of her hair.

'' I love you, Kathrine...'' There's no reaction coming from the sleeping woman in his arms so he presses another kiss to her head before carefully freeing himself from her grasp to get out of bed. He takes his time to prepare breakfast, knowing that his little hurricane won't wake any time soon anyway. By now Erik knows his way around the kitchen, where to find actual food between all the sugar and junk food, how to use the kitchenware properly, where the tray is located and where she keeps her dishes. Her kitchen is a bit chaotic and Erik's attempt to store her alcohol in a single cabinet, upon noticing that no matter what cabinet he opens, he is always met with alcohol, miserably failed. He managed to put 43 into the cabinet, the remaining 7 had to find a place elsewhere. Oddly enough, he found a bottle of vodka next to her cleaning supplies and part of him is convinced that this vodka is not for drinking because even for Kathrine's taste, this one was oddly strong. It might be for occasions like the one where an injured man was brought to her for medical attention.

* * *

A noise behind him has Erik turning to the door to find his angel standing more or less steady in the frame. The lack of swaying is a good sign and Erik quickly notices that a bit of life returned to her eyes, even though they are a little dark. A small improvement but an improvement nevertheless. As his lovely angel makes no attempt to speak, Erik offers a gentle smile,

'' Good morning mon ange, I hope you are feeling a little better. You woke up earlier than I expected, breakfast is almost ready. You can go back to bed, I will be done in- '' While Erik was talking, Kathrine began to move towards him until she is close enough to grab him on his collar and pull him into a kiss, abruptly cutting him off. Erik returns the kiss but part of him wonders what suddenly drove her to this action. The past days she never attempted to kiss him, she would cuddle into him because it is a comfortable position and she relaxes in it but that was about all. Considering Kathrine's usual sexual appetite, the lack of initiated physical contact was another thing letting him know how terrible she feels. So usually he'd say that it's a good thing Kathrine's sexual desire returns and yet Erik finds himself unable to decide whether this sudden assault truly is a proof that she is recovering. Kathrine was still in a lot of pain yesterday, there is just no way for that to disappear over night.

Kathrine wraps one arm around his neck to pull him closer and in that moment he feels that her other hand is grasping him through the thin fabric of the boxer shorts Kathrine bought him. The loose fit of the undergarment makes it easy for her close her hand around his semi-hard member and it does not take many strokes before he feels that he is now fully erect in her hand. He breaks the kiss by cupping her cheeks and looks into her eyes. They're only halfway open, her skin is warm and her cheeks flushed from lust. Her pupils are dilated a bit. Kathrine looks extremely aroused but other than that Erik can't spot anything bad.

'' What has gotten into you my little hurricane? '' He smiles, tries his very best not to react to the hand that is still very much wrapped around his member. If something is the matter with her, he has to stay in control no matter how tempting she may be.

'' I want you. '' The way her voice always becomes a low, bewitching hum when she is aroused, right now is working like an aphrodisiac on him with the rasp that is still in her voice. Her simple yet clear answer and the sound of her voice make him shudder and he can very clearly feel his hardness twitching in her hand.

 _Dear god, give me the strength to withstand this seductive goddess, for I fear I will not be able to do so on my own for long…_

'' Only yesterday you were still experiencing a lot of pain, I hardly believe that it has ceased yet. We will have all the time for these activities once you have healed, right now you need to rest. '' Kathrine releases him and for a moment he thinks she will actually listen to him. Until she suddenly pulls her shirt over her head and drops it on the ground, her eyes never leaving his. Erik does his best to focus on her eyes but as she suddenly lowers a bit and suddenly holds the black panties in his hand that leave very little to ones imagination, his throat becomes dry. The only thing holding him back right now, was the twitching and the slight pain he saw during certain movements,

'' You are still in pain, please be reasonable and go back to bed, my love. '' Her eyes narrow a bit before suddenly she once again grabs him on his collar, this time with one hand. She leads him along until Kathrine finds herself in the corner of her counter and without giving him any time to react, Kathrine jumps onto the counter and spreads her legs for him. With the new angle, Erik couldn't not see her perfect body even if he tried,

'' I'll be a good girl and go back to bed… if you turn into your dominant, aggressive sex-nature for 5 minutes and fuck me until I scream. '' He frowns at her request,

'' I am not going to do that in your state- '' She grits her teeth while hissing in a mix of anger and frustration before wrapping her legs around his hips to pull his still hard cock right against her warm, naked sex and the thin fabric that is currently the only thing stopping him from entering her, is quickly damp from how wet his temptress is. As she begins to move her hips up and down, the friction has him moaning and Kathrine uses that to grab his hands and put one of them on her breast, the other finds a much more delicate position, her mouth. He feels every bit of self-control fading away as he watches his irresistible angel wrapping her full lips around his pointing and middle finger. He feels her tongue licking slowly along his fingers, her eyes never breaking contact with his. Teasingly slow she releases his fingers with a wet pop. As much as he'd like to move away and put her into bed, he can't move. The feeling of her rubbing herself against him, his hand cupping her soft perfect breast and his wet fingers now slowly being led to her lap. While his eyes follow his hand, he misses Kathrine's other hand once again gripping his collar to pull him so close that their noses are almost touching. As her tongue suddenly moves along his deformed face, he can't stop the groan. She is well aware that it drives him crazy is she kisses of licks him there.

 _Why…! Why does she have to be hurt…!_

Suddenly her lips stop next to his ear, her voice a needy purr,

'' Please Sir, please fuck me… I need you to slam your big cock into me hard and fast, Master, please...'' Kathrine never spoke like this before. Then again, they did not have sex that many times yet. All the times he scolded her for her dirty vocabulary and now his eyes close as a wave of pleasure runs through him, another moan rumbling from his chest. She snaps her hips suddenly and the lustful moan escaping her perfect lips makes Erik want to hear more, he wants her to scream his name and devote herself to him. He has to stop this,

'' Kathrine- …I don't want to hurt you.'' It takes all of his strength to focus enough to speak these words but Kathrine makes no move to stop, in fact, she only seems to become even more aroused from the little friction she is causing them both with the constant rubbing. Kathrine is tugging at his shirt, oddly enough she is not removing the fabric separating them. Looking at the way Kathrine is panting, he'd have imagined she would go for his boxers first. What is she waiting for?

'' I _want_ you to hurt me…! I want you to cover my body with teeth mark and fingerprints so I won't be able to look into a mirror and _not_ remember that you own me. I desperately need you to fuck me with so much brutal force that I'll feel sore for weeks. I won't break, you can go rough on me. You'd like that, I know it. '' The logical part in him, which admittedly is rather small now, wants to ask her what has suddenly gotten into her. First she is barely able to accept him in her life again because he has abused her so many times that she can no longer trust him, and now she's begging him to claim her? Is this the mere arousal speaking out of her or is his beloved actually being serious with that request?

'' You love biting me, how would you like to bite me while you take me from behind? I'll spread my legs for you good, Master, I'll let you choose if you rather fuck my pussy, or slam your prick up my arse. I never had one that big in there, I bet you'll feel amazing stretching me open. '' There's a slight flush of embarrassment coming to his cheeks at her offer,

'' In...-to… into… your...'' She smiles at his stuttering,

'' You're going to love the tight fit, everyone does… Don't you want to try it? Make me scream your name, I'll let every neighbor hear how good you make me feel and how hard you're fucking me, Sir. If you smack my ass hard enough, I'll think about how good you fucked me every time I sit, don't you want that? ''

'' Your body is still recovering- ''

'' My body is _yearning_ for you, Erik… I'm burning up, I need your cock in me so bad, I can't take it anymore. I want you to fuck me in every room of this house until you made me cum so many times that I'm no longer capable to think about anything else than how good you make me feel. ''

'' Kathrine what has gotten into you? Are you still with me? '' Finally Erik receives a reasonable response. Kathrine finally drops her hands and sighs, her eyes halfway closing and gaining a sad shadow. It almost appears as if she was afraid or unsure of something.

'' I'm fine... I just… really need you. What's wrong with you, why won't you just fuck me? I saw the way you were looking at me all the time, you thought about it all the time. '' The questions are coming off very differently than they were probably meant to sound like. Right now it more seems like a tired, weak attempt to hide whatever is leaking through right now.

'' You are right, I did imagine it so many times that I lost count and right now it takes me every bit of self-control to not give in and take you the way you ask me to. If we were in another situation, I would never find the strength to resist you and the only thing allowing me to do so now, is your condition. Your body is very fragile right now and whether you ignore the pain or hide it, you cannot make me believe that it is not there. You were hardly able to move only a few hours ago, there is simply no way this disappeared so suddenly. The pain I enjoy inflicting you is nothing like the pain I would cause you if I were to do as you ask. '' Her eyes refuse to meet his even though he gently puts two fingers under her chin to encourage her to look at him. The shadow on her eyes deepens and her body begins to shake, her hands curl to fists as she ducks her head between her shoulders. Erik watches the whole thing quietly to offer her the chance to speak up after gathering her thoughts a bit but the more time passes, the less patient he becomes until he cups her cheeks gently and speaks in a hushed, loving tone,

'' Kathrine, please tell me what is going on...''

'' Are you real? '' The question comes a bit quicker than he expected and at first it surprises him. But of course with everything that happened in the past days, it is not that hard to realize what is troubling her. Carefully and slowly Erik takes Kathrine's hands in his and leads one to his birth defect and the other to his chest so she will feel his heart beating beneath her palm,

'' Of course I am. You can touch me, can you not? You can see, smell and hear me, can you not? '' Still Kathrine refuses to look at him but at least her eyes shift to each of her hands. Eventually she retreats her hands so she can stare at them as if she couldn't choose whether or not to trust what is happening. Who could possibly blame her? So much time in constant hallucinations, so many times in which she was wandering these walls fully believing she wasn't in her own home and skin, who knows what was really going on in her head, who knows how many things they were unable to see. Perhaps she has been going through situations like this before, how could he possibly help her believe that this time they are not simply playing out yet another hallucination?

'' That means nothing… I was so sure to be back but I wasn't in control of myself for so long this time… As I woke up… and noticed you're not there… I was sure I dreamed it up… everything. That you're here, that we're giving it another chance, that you finally realized you can't keep this up…''

'' But then I woke up and I didn't… -I just need a sort of proof that I can't misinterpret. I need visible things, things I can feel, things I can't do on my own. I'm sorry I was being pushy but I…. I don't wanna forget… I can't wake up like this again… I couldn't call out to you, I couldn't move, I was too scared of what would happen if I did…''

'' These are only the last effects of your attack, Nathan informed me about several possibilities and I read up about anything I could find. Your collection of Psychological books was helpful in my studies as well. I have read about this phenomenon as well, it is rare but not uncommon. Kathrine...'' He waits for her to finally meet his eyes,

'' I understand that you fear for fading memories, I understand you fear to realize all of this is merely another hallucination… but we have to find another way to ease these fears. I can't risk injuring you and I do not want to either. Do you understand? We could position pictures around you and I can place a letter next to you each time I have to leave your side until you have recovered. I will ensure you will be able to wake without fear… but not like this. '' It takes a moment but then she nods,

'' Okay...''

'' How about you just let me finish and once we ate, we will look for a solution? '' Again, Kathrine nods. Erik halfway expects her to wait for him but she leaves the kitchen the moment he goes back to their breakfast. By the time he enters the living room, aiming for the bed in the open bedroom, he finds her on the balcony. Quietly he places everything on the table and considers whether or not to follow her or at least call out to her but he decides to give her a moment of peace so she will be able to gather her thoughts. He has payed close attention to her medication and her substance abuse. While he wanted to refuse her any sort of alcohol for a little while longer, he quickly realized that she is not too interested in her substance abuse right now other than smoking weed.

Of course he studied all of the substances Kathrine uses as well and he quickly became aware of the way cannabis is generally seen as something positive in this world. There were countless of articles that listed all the illnesses that are successfully treated with cannabis, that it hardly has any negative effects opposite to all the other drugs Kathrine has in her storage. Kathrine hides her drugs in a wooden box in her closet, each type is in a separate small plastic bag. The box is a sort of jewelry box with several separated parts, which allows her to put each different type of drug in a different part. This organization allowed him to quickly find out what drugs she has in her possession and what effects they have on both body and mind. Knowing that the ones she uses the most frequently are Morphine and Cannabis, Erik made sure to study these two first. Opposite to Cannabis, Morphine is nothing to be fooled with and Kathrine's repeated use of it is something they need to talk about once she is fully recovered. While Kathrine isn't showing any long-term symptoms of addiction to the substance yet, it is only a matter of time until she will and Erik will do anything that is possible to prevent that. Hopefully she will be reasonable in a calm conversation about the substance abuse.

Consulting Nathan about this, only led to answers Erik can not and will not accept. Because Nathan told him that Kathrine is brutally honest about this topic with her psychiatrist and that she went through every rehab program that she was assigned to without making too much of a fuss. The fact that she will do breaks whenever her psychiatrist tells her to and never shows the typical symptoms of withdrawal eventually led to several tests which finally had them come to the conclusion that a typical addiction is hardly possible due to her extremely messed up state. So as long as Kathrine reports everything truthfully and abruptly tells her doctor about any signs of change on that matter, she is allowed to continue her substance abuse as long as she sticks to certain rules and limits.

The Cannabis however is something Erik even encourages because he could already see that it helps Kathrine to calm down and that is eases the shaking of her hands that are side effects of the anti-psychotics she has to take more frequently during her episodes. He also noticed that her sleep is more peaceful if she smokes a joint before going to bed, there are less nightmares that have her tossing and turning or waking up abruptly. One night she woke from a nightmare, she inhaled so abruptly and repeatedly, that Erik feared he had to call an ambulance because her body cramped from the gasps and she was unable to breathe for almost a minute.

Erik's eyes shift to the copper casket on the table in which she keeps some of her cannabis, her so-called 'cruncher', tobacco, papes and tips. There's a joint or two already prepared in case she can't make one because of her shaky hands, too. After he read about the dozens of ways to taint the normal cannabis plants with other substances so the one using it will develop an addiction much sooner, he checked the plants but Kathrine told him he won't have to worry about that because she knows he dealers and they would never sell anything that has been tainted. Still, studying the world of drugs was something both fascinating and frightening. The willingness to try about anything possible to get high is alarming, the ideas people have to create new kicks are sickening and it quickly shows that something is very wrong about this world.

'' You really need to stop worrying about my substance abuse, handsome...'' The muttering close to him, breaks Erik out of his thoughts and upon looking up, he spots his beloved standing in the door to the balcony, her shoulder resting on the frame and her arms crossed over her chest relaxed.

'' I find it a bit alarming that your doctor and Nathan are this comfortable with the knowledge about all the drugs you use. ''

'' They're not really comfortable with it but they are well aware of the fact that they couldn't stop me anyways. My doc is obliged to keep the things I tell him between the two of us, so he couldn't stop me even if he really wanted to. Nathan knows I'll be open and truthful about the matter as long as I can be sure they won't exploit my trust. ''

'' Even if you are more resistant to typical signs of addiction, there is no way you are immune to it. ''

'' I'm not immune to it and no one is claiming that I am. However… both my body and my mind have built up a certain protection against addictions. That has a lot to do with my current mental state… but the main reason for that is the way I was treated before I met Doctor Bloomfield. My illness began to really show itself unusually soon and by the time I got a proper diagnosis, I received all sorts of medication in various doses. However…'' She sighs as she pushes herself off the frame to move to the sofa where she allows her body to smoothly sink into the cushions before she pulls up her legs to sit with them crossed,

'' Many of the meds I received were negatively affecting me and while one or two symptoms disappeared, others became much worse. So they gave me more meds and it was honestly just fucking me up. That uhm… that psyche-ward I mentioned as you asked me about the fighting? As you saw me doing my workout routine for the first time, back in the Opera? '' Erik nods, watches her scratching the back of her head while her eyes move through the room, her jaw stretching in a nervous tick.

'' Well they weren't really interested in actually helping but the guy who was in command, he was a bit interested in my case because it's not the most common type, y'know? He was sort of experimenting on me, trying out different meds on me to see what I react like, blood tests, brain scans, that sort of stuff. At some point he was just stuffing me full with all sorts of shit and it messed up my entire body. Made me a whole bloody lot worse and the damage that was done there, is still there today. So the minimal danger for me to become addicted to something in the typical way, is still an after effect of that time. ''

'' How long have you been in this institution? ''

'' I… think it was about… a year? Maybe a year and a half…''

'' Were your parents aware of the abuse you faced there? ''

'' It was a really strict institution. Usually if you're in a clinic, you are allowed to have visitors to any time during the weekends and under the week for a couple of hours once the therapies and programs are over. Depending on how stable you are, you are given rules that tell you for how long you can leave the station, how far you are allowed to go and if you can sleep at home on the weekends. But those are rules for normal clinics. The one I was in was for violent and extreme cases, I was brought there after I injured someone during an episode. Visitors were only allowed for an hour or two on Saturdays and only if the doctors gave their ok. Sleeping at home wasn't allowed at all, you couldn't leave the house for longer than half an hour and you had to stay on the grounds. My parents came by once a month at first but with my condition becoming worse, they were told to give me some space for a while so I could focus on the therapy 100%. ''

'' Did they never once question this method? '' The moment the question is out, he regrets it. It's not especially hard to see how uncomfortable his angel feels and his question is causing her already passive mask to become even more emotionless. With a shrug she bends forwards to grab her plate and cut a piece of her egg off,

'' Who knows. '' Kathrine begins to eat, the conversation is over. With a low sigh, he takes his seat next to her and places his hand on her head to thread his fingers through her hair gently,

'' I am not happy about your frequent use of drugs… but I understand that you have this under control and that you will not allow yourself to lose this control. '' With a kiss to her cheek that Kathrine is not acknowledging, he focuses on his breakfast as well and the room becomes quiet.


End file.
